What am I doing in Life?

The other day, I was lying on the couch gorging away on leftover pieces of cake, when I came across this Instagram post titled — “Famous people under 20”. After taking a pretty good look at that post, I forced myself up, but that piece of cake away, and started thinking. These people seem to have it all sorted out, like having a perfect plan charted out for them before they even reach the age of 20.

It’s just that whenever I was younger, I used to think that I could achieve something big when I grow up. But now having entered that stage of being a so-called grown-up, it suddenly dawned upon me that if I don’t do anything spectacular now, I might never be able to do it. It’s just that at 22, some people have it all figured out. I have just finished college and am about to start working as a Software Developer in a good company, but is it really the kind of success I was aspiring for? I always envisioned myself doing something other than a 9–5 job. Something interesting or cool like a writer or a motivational speaker who gives out tidbits of insights for a huge crowd. Now when I realize that I am just normal, I begin rethinking all my decisions in life.

I do like the work that I’m going to do, but it isn’t what I would want to do for the rest of my life. I had wanted to stand out of the crowd, but all I’m doing is trying to blend into the crowd.

It got me thinking,

“Do I not have any aspirations?”

“Did I not follow my dreams?”

“Do I even have any dreams?”

“Am I too lazy to even work on what I love?”

I’ve had many dreams from childhood:

Singing

I do sing well and have sung many times at different concerts, I have even learned Carnatic Music which is a classical form of Indian music. I am told that I have a good voice, but I never did anything about it. I have participated in quite a few concerts and competitions but nothing major.

Whenever I see people younger than me singing on shows like The Voice, it gets me thinking deep for some time but I have not actually put in great efforts to kickstart my career in the field of singing.

Writing

I absolutely cherish the process of writing. It is cathartic and lets me pen down all the messy emotions that I am unable to sort out in my mind. Right from my childhood, I have written quite a lot of stories. About a few months ago, I even started writing my own dystopian novel but after writing about five chapters, I felt that something was missing so I had to put a pause on it for some time till I get clarity on what I want to write.

Quite recently though, I embarked upon the journey of writing on Medium. I began writing about my struggles with OCD and about how I cope up with it. Promoting mental health awareness has always been my top priority. I want more people to know that it is okay to feel sad sometimes and that it is okay if you're not able to control the chaos going on in your mind.

Therapy

Ever since I started my journey with OCD, I wanted to become a therapist. When I went to therapy, I really enjoyed the experience and did gain a lot from it. Whenever I was in the therapists' office, I wanted to be the person sitting on the other side of the table.

What I actually do?

I can almost imagine you saying,

“She really needs to sort out her priorities”

Now you might ask me, what is this person doing with her life?

I am a Computer Science graduate. Yes, I code.

I even have a job as a Software Developer that I’m about to begin in a few days! I do love Computer Science — don’t get me wrong but after going through 4 intense years of coding, writing exams, participating in hackathons, and writing research papers, I am not sure whether this is how I want to live the rest of my life. But at the same time, I do not know whether I should’ve pursued singing, writing, or therapy. I have so many varied interests that I am not sure whether I am going in the direction in which I need to be. I know that there is no correct decision in life and that it all depends on your perspective but sometimes when I’m on my laptop coding away, talking to clients about their requirements, I can't help but wonder how my life would’ve been had I chosen ‘The Road Not Taken’

So as you can see I have experimented with a variety of things but never actually poured my heart into anything. Sometimes I blame my laziness for it — I am super lazy and will do anything to spend a few more hours in bed. If the TV remote is out of my reach, I wait until someone passes by so that they give me the remote, sigh!

But at the same time, I do work hard too. I’ve worked pretty hard to get that Computer Science degree. I’ve studied countless algorithms, coded in various programming languages, and had my own share of fun with Data Structures.

After 4 years of engineering though, I cannot help but speculate if I chose the right path. So when I saw the Instagram post about famous people under 20, I let out a brief sigh and stopped what I was doing for some time but resumed eating my cake again!

Originally published at What am I doing in Life?