Well, let the "get rid of the toxic people" begin.

Well, look what we have right here, a negative word, “toxic,” followed by the word “people.” Do you want to know what’s that is about? Stick around. This could be good.

Intro

As they say in an AA meeting, “Hi, my name is Patricia, and I am a positive person. One could say that when they see me, I am the poster child of positivity until they really see me. More on that, maybe?

Question: do you have that friend or family member that when you have good news, instead of saying “congratulations” or “I am so happy for you,” they make it all about them and make you feel like you just killed them with a .45 mm gun? I see some heads nodding. Let me give you an example of this that has not hit you in all the right spots.

I had a car (a 2008 Dodge Caliber) that gave me some problems. I kept putting it in the shop for all kinds of reasons. If it wasn’t the brakes, it was the engine, and then the right passenger door, and on and on. My dad took it upon himself and gifted me a brand new car. It was the one I had been saving up for; a new Honda HRV. Outside the United States, it is called by another name. I love this car to piece. Anyways, someone I know came by my parent’s house to talk, and my dad could not wait to show them my surprise. This person (who shall be nameless for the purpose of this article) asked my dad not to show them the car, for they will be forced to say something negative about me getting the car. It did not dawn on me until June of 2021 when they wrote a nastygram to me on messenger (Facebook’s little minion app, which I hate) that I was basically a spoiled little brat, and every time I cry, I get what I want from my father. I had no idea that this person was jealous, yet, out of the generosity of his heart, they received a car from my father as well. I basically told that person to sit them in their place, that the car was a gift. Yes, a gift that I was saving up for, and I will be helping my father with the payment. Traditional toxic friendship 101. There’s more.

My dad also told a friend of his about my new car, and he wanted to know what dad was going to do with the Caliber. Dad had bought the car from him when I had an accident in my 1998 Honda Accord in 2015 while returning home from a direct seller’s convention. The Accord’s engine had imploded upon contact. Thank God I was not killed in the accident. Anyway, the friend asked my dad if he would give (not sell) the Caliber back to him to give it to his daughter. Dad sold it to my nephew’s girlfriend instead because she needed the car, in case my little niece or nephew needed to go to the doctor or she decided to get a job. The friend was so mad until he and my dad were no longer speaking. His choice, not my dad’s. Wow, that Caliber has caused a lot of problems. Another classic toxic friendship 102.

My point is if this sounds like something that has happened to you, you are not alone. Everyone has that toxic friend or family member who is your typical “Negative Nancy” or “frustrating Fred,” and it seems that there is nothing a person can do, or is there? What can you do in this situation?

There is a solution, and I am here to offer some tips. I am not an expert, but I have found the following to be faithful in my situation with the car, and other situations from this person:

To the toxic person:

First, everything is not all about you. You are not the center of everyone’s universe. I mean that most openly.

You are important. Yes, I agree that you are important, but learn to celebrate everybody’s happy moments, not just yours. It means congratulations are to that person. Please do that and move on. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Go by this motto: “If you cannot say anything nice, do not say it all, but do not put it on Facebook either.” I just saw that on my timeline ON Facebook. Everyone does not need to know how upset you are or why you cannot stand a specific person, smile on their face, then come back and talk about them some more on Facebook. If you do not like them, unfriend them, but do not talk about them either.

Repeat after me: “Not your circus, not your monkey. It means, “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. STAY OUT OF THEIR BUSINESS. IT IS NOT YOUR CONCERN”.

To the person who is dealing with the toxicity:

Let the person vent. They want an audience, let them have one, FOR A MINUTE. Only a minute.

Listen to them. Do not play into their reality. It is about them; they think they are the victim in every situation. Let them see you as a supporter of their cause.

Explain to them how you see it and tell them the facts, and only the facts. In the situation with the car, I explained why I got the car, and the solution was for the car. I did not have to tell them that, but I had to do it because I needed to “shut that ish down.” Squash it, and move on.

Do not get drawn in. I mentioned “listening to the person.” I never said, “agree with them.” You never want to do that because this means that you agree with them, and this, in turn, brings you down to their level. Never complain about them. You are only adding fuel to a smoldering fire brewing up inside that person.

Pay attention to your reaction. When a toxic person says that situation that upset them, these words will often come with hurtful phrases that can damage you and your soul. Never take them to heart. The person is venting, and they are hurting. Say “Sorry you feel this way” and move on.

If the problem is not you but someone else, talk to the person venting about their behavior. You might be surprised at how effective you can be with that person. Then again, maybe you will not get through to that person. It depends on whether they are having only one problem or having a problem with life in general.

It might be that the person may need your help to get them out of a bind. It might not be out of spitefulness or abuse. Put yourself first, and once again, do not add to the fire that has brewed inside of that person.

Offer compassion. Never offers to fix the situation. You offer the person a way to talk to another person or other resources by offering compassion. When all else fails, walk away from the situation. Give them a chance to cool down and make a choice if they can. Store up enough emotional energy to walk away, but tell them that you will be there when they (not you) fix the situation. If they are smart enough to have common sense, they will realize that it was really about nothing, so they need to do something about it. Again, think of your own well-being.

The conclusion to the car situation: The new car was only the beginning of what this person had in store for me. I had to walk away and let that person figure it out. I had done so much for this person until I could not take it anymore. I was starting to bring this on myself into this person’s whole situation at the point of walking from it all. I had not spoken to this person since August 2021, when they left a brief message on my phone, apologizing for their behavior. They told me that I did not have to answer, and I did not. They are still my Facebook friend, but I have limitations on what they can view from me unless I mention their name. Yes, during the period in question, they mentioned that they saw a post on some bad stuff I said about them on Facebook. I have forgiven them, but I will not forget what they did to another family member and me. I still have to talk to a professional about this.

I hope that if you are dealing with a toxic person in your life, understand their situation, but you do not have to put up with the abuse nor be a part of their pity party. Be compassionate, offer help, and if it escalates, walk away.

Think good, positive thoughts, and have a good week.