Trying when You Expect to Fail

It's almost 11 PM on a constant countdown to June 25th. I've spent the day exposing myself to two languages without much break in between and feel disheartened. On the 25th, I enter a country I have never been to before and start learning a language that frankly scares me. It's the unknown and the fear of difficult situations rolled up into a bundle and that's terrifying.

There are small issues of course. I don't expect to succeed in learning Czech in the Czech Republic. Even though I'll be taking a class, I don't expect to reach the high standards that I've placed on myself. My high standards being a grade of an A - both in learning the language and the other class I intend to take, Czech Cinema. And that's the thing. Not getting that feels like failing. While it doesn't for many, the prospect of a B or even a C seems to be terrifying for me. And not necessarily for the reasons that at once come to mind. I know my GPA can take a hit like that. It wont drop terribly far for getting another B (I have had them in my time) and while getting a C feels like a horrible prospect, it also isn't the daunting part of what I'm facing. The fear is that it will prove I can't learn German as quickly as I need to. Or that, somehow, learning Czech (even though it's only to A1 level at most) will prevent me from learning German or get in the way of it. Are these fears founded? I don't know. I don't know my learning process and learning a new language is hard enough when it is close to English. Czech isn't. Czech is where I struggle.

Perhaps the worse thing of the matter is that I also have a deadline for German. By November, I have to be able to get through roughly A1 speaking and writing to potentially pass out of beginning level German and maybe, just maybe, make B2 level by 2024. Why this harsh deadline to maybe get so far in such a short time? I would really like to go to university in Germany.

And failing Czech might mean that I can't. That maybe I don't have the skill, the drive, the ability, the whatever to get to a point where I can actually do those things.

It's a hard and long process to come to terms with the fact that failure to do any of these things will not be the end of the world. That a year ago, I had specific plans for myself and a year before that I had plans as well. The time I spend working on what I'm doing here will actually get me to a goal, even if it isn't the one I think it is. (Oh horror, I actually have experience knowing multiple languages? Whatever shall I do?)

But that doesn't mean the thought isn't disappointing in some facet. I expect to be this one way, to get this one thing, and it has every chance that I wont get it. But what then? Should I give up?

Today I thought of emailing my college and telling them to drop me from Czech. Why try? I don't need it for a degree and I am worried that it will get in the way of learning German. But at the same time, I feel like I need to take this step. Risk failing. Maybe even expect to. It shouldn't be why I want to learn. Success shouldn't be the grade I get or the time I safe to study something else. While that is a good measurement of my self-awareness, I can also acknowledge that this will be hard. I can acknowledge that I may walk away with a low grade. I can acknowledge that this may damage my other studies for my personal goals because of the time I have to spend on this rather than learning German.

But at the same time, I don't think that's why I wanted to learn Czech. I signed up because I wanted to learn it. I felt like it would both be respectful to do it and that it still might play a role in my future. I may end up in the Czech Republic again and it would help me better understand some of what I learned in my other class. I didn't join for a grade. And part of me is even aware that by learning a third language, even just a little, I'll be able to understand the process I need to learn German better.

But yes, I expect and accept the possibility of failure. If I walk away with no grade at all, I want to walk away knowing I pushed for it anyway. And if it hurts my long term plans, then it does and I'll change my plans.

So I guess the goal is just to fail with some level of learning.