Time to meander

In 2021 I want to get a little frantic about my creativity. Let it swallow me whole. Let it drown me. Let me feel the flow. I’d like to get a little peaceful about my creativity. Let it bring me courage. Let it dare to be different or more of the same. I’d like to fall in love with my creativity. Let it bring me alive. Let it breathe in nourishment. Let it challenge and inspire me.

Uh, sounds simple, right?

Unfortunately, it is tremendously easy to get wrapped up in comparison, especially in regard to creative pursuits. The wave of doubt sucks the creativity right out of me. These critical thoughts ping pong around my brain. Here it goes... This person is more experienced, more unique, cooler, just better. They are just better and therefore I am going to suppress my soul, because I could not fathom placing my creativity next to anyone else’s. I just cannot fail again. I won’t do it. I will stay inside this safety zone. Pylons and all.

Sorry, I think that was 2020 me talking. She is so last year, if you know what I mean. All insecurity, no calm. You know what the safety zone is? It is that gorgeous looking sweater you are so jazzed to put on, except when you do, you realize it is all itchy. I don’t want that! I refuse to be allured by comfort, only to be uncomfortable. 2021 is shifting the mindset. It is all about expansion. It is all about leaning in, discovering, and exploring.

2021 me is taking contemporary dance classes folks. And she’s buying paint. She’s working on her second poetry book. She’s applying for her masters. She’s creating connection and dismantling white supremacy and colonial mindsets through work and volunteer opportunities. She’s doing her little part. And guess what, 2021 me is going to make mistakes. She is going to fail, but she is failing forward. She is walking bravely into the mess, the best she can.

2021 me is going to be so busy meandering, you guys. Meandering. I can’t even begin to tell you where I’m going to go, because I don’t know. And this doesn't mean going to a physical place. I may meander into that loving relationship I'm so keen on resisting. I may meander into that cool creative project I was too timid to delve into last year. Let me open to the truth that there are things I cannot control. That person’s weird vibe? Can’t control it. Do they hate me? Doesn’t matter. Am I ever going to amount to what I want or crumble under this immense pressure? Don’t have the wherewithal to worry about that in 2021. This infographic is everything, and so helpful in this regard.

You know when you put on the coolest shades and you feel like you’re a different person for a second? Somehow you have this strange confidence, and you're not as concerned by the opinions of other people? Well literally, and figuratively, I found those shades. Here they are.

This opinion infographic + these floral shades = me feeling a freedom I have not quite experienced in my adult life.

2021 me is open to being weird and staying kind. Fear is tremendously confining. And I have really tuckered myself out. Not just in 2020, but like, all the years before that.

So, 2021, it would be super chill if you would be easy breezy. Just let me eat whatever I want and watch whatever I want, and let me be happy with coasting sometimes.

And then, 2021 me, stretch, meditate and eat all the greens too.

Basically, let me live my life. Let me gravitate to what I desire. Let me find what and who I need. I would be tickled pink if in 2021 it was not radical to listen to myself deeply, and find some balance here in this magically strange world.

I could write all the resolutions and to dos that I have, but ultimately, I just want to lean into my natural state of joy. I want to celebrate life, whatever I am doing in the present moment. Having the worst day where I’m crying? Celebrate it. Dance about it. Call a pal. Walk kindly with myself. Accept that like all things, it will pass. 2021 me will rejoice that I am a living breathing thing that gets to feel at all.

But seriously, ONE concrete resolution for 2021: call your grandmas more. They are the sweetest peas and every time you call them life is better. Time is truly such a gift when speaking and sharing love with these gals.

Lastly, to my darling muse, Creativity. I’m listening. I’m open. I am carving out space to hear you, to feel you, to get to know you. Let's make some mediocre, and impeccably beautiful things this year. I’m ready.

Let go, 2020 babe. 2021 me is good.