Through The Chaos

I had finally hit rock bottom. I have always had a hard life but always stayed optimistic about it all the things I went through some are like in hispanic culture you would call it a tvnovela. I will write about that in an other storie put point is I had finally lost it all my job, friends, family, my abusive ex-husband. That in itself was a hard reality they removed themselves out of my life. It was hard for me being the people pleaser I was I always went out of my way for them gave even when I had nothing to give. So I was left on empty, financially, emotionally, physically. I was beat all I had by my side was my 3 children who where my responsibility all to myself since my ex-husband was now disabled permanently mentally and physically which I will go into detail in an other story as well. So I was alone and empty and covid was already a pandemic which as it wasn’t much help it was in a sense that I needed all the financial help that was available due to covid. I was so disappointed with my life I layed in my room n cried many nights and days tried to keep myself going because I still needes to be a mother so when I could I layed alone in my room crying asking my self what had lead my life to this point as I continued to ask my self I began to find the answers within me. Where I found the most meaningful love, my self love. I began to realize that I was giving love, to everyone but not to the person that mattered most myself. I put others first insted of myself. Self love is needed not in a selfish way but in a healthy way where one must give to ones self before giving to anyone else or it will lead to the place I found myself depleted. Its been difficult to finally realize what being that nice person, people pleasing, always trying to make others happy but myself, not being able to say no. How damaging it could be I thought I was doing the right thing. Ohh.. was I wrong. So I questioned why I was this person who didn’t love herself who didn’t value how amazing she really was. I found my inner child trauma and that is why I stayed in toxic relationships, friendships, didn’t love myself. It all came down what I had grown accustomed to as a child. I was raised by a single mother who’s main concern was and is still the man in her life who is not my father he has not children not so much by choice but it what he had to accept being with a woman who had made the choice to permanently stop that process. He is about 16-17 years younger than my mother she actually met him because he was her son in laws best friend. The chaos that come of that was pretty hostile. My sister her husband my dad it caused a lot of trouble when their afair was out in the open and my mother left my dad she had her reasons to my dad was narcissistic and constantly cheated. Her choice of replacement was not the best we all felt some type of way about it he was a close family friend who we considered family he lived with us he actually tried to date my other sister who was around his age but she wasn’t interested but guess my mother was so they didn’t sit us all down and told us they just snuck around and eventually stopped hiding it I was about 8 maybe when it all happened I was upset I hated him he ruined my parents marriage in my eyes as I kid I didn’t understand that my dad had done that long before he did. So I had to deal with my feelings my mother has not ever took the time to talk to any of us and explain life situations so in time he began to hate me as well and my mother would and still does chose to allow him to treat me and my children unfairly rude he is mean but all my other sisters and their kids are treated good except me and mine. So as a child my mother favored my younger sister she always got what she wanted for Christmas I didn’t, my younger sister got what she wanted the attention I didn’t I would be hurt sad upset as a kid and as a kid I realized that no one cared that I was upset that I was hurt so I came to the conclusion as a kid that I was the only one hurting why keep hurting my self with situations I could not change and be happy insted of being sad mad hurt because no one cared anyways so thats how I began to deal with all pain in my life that my feelings didn’t matter if my mother didn’t love me showed me I wasn’t worthy of love its what I had learned to accept so I stayed in toxic relationships and friendships because its the only love I was worthy of until I hit rock bottom and realized I had to love myself to know that I was worthy of being loved that my feelings did matter and I began to speak up for myself I didn’t want anymore bread crumbs in and out love and knew that I was capable of being loved I deserved to be acknowledged it took me loosing it all and being okay with being alone to see I was worth it and also a big thank you to the man that stuck by my side as I fought through my doubts, fears and loved me through them he has been a big part of my self love process because he showed me that I was worth being loved for all that I was and that my feelings mattered and all he wanted was to love me unconditionally. Although I was unable love the right way until I healed my self he was patient and understanding he heard me yell he heard me cry he apologized for things he didn’t do and I thank him for being strong when I was at my weakest. I hope to be his strength one day as hes been mine. I was blessed with an amazing man hes not perfect by any means but hes been perfect for me I appreciate him and everything I have been through as it has made me that much stronger, and continue to get stronger each and every day. May everyone know that you are worthy and you do matter in this life and may everyone strive to be their best self every day. God bless all I prayed a lot through this process and he as answered my prayers each time maybe not in the way I wanted them but in they way they needed to be. With God all is possible he is my savior.