this is a true story

This was it. The moment all that anxiety tied to self doubt emerged from the depths of my psyche. It ached, and not the dull kind of aching either, it was soul piercing.

Two days ago I found out that a musician who looked up to me (5+ years ago), was now finding success. It crushed me. First, the jealousy crept in as quiet as a dream, then what ensued was a restless night of fear and self doubt. In my deflated state the following day, I decided to stroll around a nearby lake to process this experience. The sun had slipped away for a moment and a light drizzle took its' place, leaving a fine mist settling onto my thick jumper. But I didn't notice this moment, or the one after, I was edging closer to the hollow vortex of my thoughts, spinning my insecurities around my mind, over and over; I should have been a machine in a laundry mat for the amount of cycles I put myself through. As I navigated closer to the lake I felt something come over me; something that did not need to be questioned. It can only be described as the urgency to move in a certain direction, but I am taking away the magic of this feeling, it felt holy. As I walked aimless but with trust, I noticed there was someone not too far away walking towards me. My eyes focused on the figure made of autumn colours, her clothing palate soothed me in some odd way. Soon after, I snapped into the realisation that this face was familiar, this was no stranger. I had met her one year prior, just once. She had abilities beyond my understanding and, without even knowing my name, unraveled the mysteries of my life right before my eyes. An individual I trusted, without even so much as a hello.

"Welcome" she said, offering a smile. I was taken back and could not find the energy to express my true happiness to see her. "I feel like I'm needed here, but I'll keep it brief. The industry you are heading into now will not take you anywhere. In another five to five and a half months you will be even more lost and depressed. You should change your path now in order to prevent even further unhappiness". I was devastated, so much so that she decided to excuse herself after I failed to respond for five minutes.

My dreams were crushed, I felt so betrayed by my self, how could I have convinced myself that music was the answer when it wasn't? Was my pursuit not genuine or passionate? As these questions swirled around my mind I felt that there was only one person I could call who would understand the very specific nature of my experience. This is a person I would consider honestly being in my head, sometimes I forgot that he was a separate person. One of my best friends.

The wise man picked up when I called with "yo, what's going on man!?". I explained the entire scenario and this is what the owl of a human had to say:

"let's get one thing straight, people - no matter how spiritually advance - can still project their insecurities, we won't take her ideas as the word of the universe. This is the thing man, every damn road exists! Your job is to pick one you like and move towards it; of course there'll be road blocks, and sometimes you are the road block. But if you let someone else choose your fate, out of both of you insecurities, then you'll be the only one losing".

Today I woke up and felt it. Any way is the right way if you want it to be.