THINKING OF MARRYING A NARCISSIST WORKAHOLIC?

There are so many articles out there about the negative aspects of being with a narcissist workaholic urging you to "save yourself and flee." I find these articles rude and a little heartless. I do not feel that a person with this personality type deserves to be alone or shunned by those who love them. I fell in love with a narcissist workaholic and he’s a perfect fit for me.

I enjoy lots of alone time, allowing me to do all the things I would rather do, alone. When looking back, many of my failed relationships stem back to a partner who was too needy for my comfort.

I am not the type who wants to go to bed at a set time every night, tucking my husband in next to me, clicking the lamp off to stare in the dark until sleep takes its sweet time to arrive. Nor do I want us to suffer through hours of shows or movies every day that one likes more than the other. I don't need to be friends with his friends or expect him to hang out with mine. I don’t want to be someone’s sole entertainment or happiness. I want to be part of their life, not their only life.

When I met my husband a little over a decade ago, I found him fascinatingly annoying. He rejected me after a friend’s feeble attempt to hook us up and he became my newest challenge.

I was not in a moment of my life where I was considering setting down anytime soon. I was looking for a little fun. He was cute and the first guy I had come across who I pursued that was not interested in me, at all. In fact, he hardly knew I existed on this planet.

He was constantly distracted or busy with his own endeavors and obsessed with making a business name for himself. He was brilliant in the boardroom but was oblivious to family and friends in real life. I could literally walk around with my ass hanging out of my shorts and my boobs bursting out of a tank top, and he didn’t bat an eye.

A few months into our friendship, I was enjoying a girl’s (at home) spa day with my ladies, when he called me in a panic concerning something about… him. I tried multiple times to interject that I was busy but ended up putting him on speaker phone.

I learned early on in our friendship to just let him stand on his stage and present whatever newest idea or catastrophic event of his day that was so important that I need to stop my day. We were only friends at this point. I was still rejected and seeing other people.

Sitting there with my face mask on, starting to panic a little bit over how quick it was drying, I would need to wash it off soon. As he talked, my friend scribbled some things on a notepad, I didn't give it much thought at the time. 20+ minutes later he came up for air and I was able to politely get off the phone. At this point I can barely speak because my facemask hardened so much, I couldn’t even crack a smile.

A little bit later that afternoon my friend, a retired psychologist, handed me a folded-up piece of notepaper. She said that she knew I was going to marry that man on the phone one day, and I needed to know her "professional" view of his personality type before this went any further. I needed to know what I was "getting myself into."

That’s how real homegirls look out for you. They tell you the cold hard facts as they see it going down. She gave a great toast at our Engagement party, years later. She knew before I knew, just by one conversation she heard between him and I, that he was my person.

I opened the paper and in it was a description of a man with narcissistic behaviors and who was definitely a workaholic. I giggled and denied even liking him “like that” claiming he was just a friend who needs some help. But I tucked the paper in my pocket to Google about what a narcissist was later. Sometimes your inner self is smarter than your current self. I am so glad she was looking out for us and didn’t toss the advice.

That little piece of notepaper saved my sanity and relationship for the last decade. A few months after we hooked up, (finally, it took 4+ months to get his attention) I spent a few weeks researching what a narcissist was like living with 24/7 and how others were able to love this personality without being in some sort of therapy. There were so many questions and scenarios that ran a marathon through my head.

Could I live with someone who has a screen attached to his body every waking moment?

Would I mentally be able to love someone who rarely shows love back?

Will I get lonely and if so, can I figure out how to be enough for myself?

What about my kids? How will it affect them and how can we as a new family be healthy?

How many years can I listen to someone talk about themselves without becoming sarcastic or resentful?

Am I comfortable with traveling alone on my own vacations when he would be too busy or distracted to join?

Can I live alone for months at a time if he has to be away for long periods of time for business endeavors?

Will I be mentally strong enough to stand up for myself when boundaries are broken? (And they will be, a lot, the first few years.)

These are all serious situations that did and will happen in our relationship, and your experiance will be different. You need to be really honest with yourself and take time to fully digest how your future with a narcissist workaholic can be.

Once I felt I had a handle on what to expect, I was able to go into the relationship with a pre-existing knowledge of what I was getting into and a game plan. I feel sad for all those out there who unwittingly falls in love with a narcissist workaholic, unprepared.

Here are five tips that saved my sanity and relationship with my amazing, brilliant narcissist workaholic, who I love to call... My Husband.

Tip One:

Do your research. Find out what makes your narcissist tick. Find out how your workaholic thinks. Figure out if this is a lifestyle you can adjust to and mentally tolerate. Are you “low maintenance” who can deal with “high maintenance” because they are definitively going to need lots of attention.

Read all the stories and articles you can about people who have been in failed and successful relationships with a narcissist. Do the same for those who have been with a workaholic. These are two very strong, very different personality types mashed together into one. I do not want you to only read the good side expecting to never experience the bad. It’s not an easy cup of tea folks. It’s work and a lot of looking within yourself.

Tip Two:

Set boundaries. What are you willing to put up with or give up? For example, how important is it to you that he is NOT on his phone or tablet during your dates? Set this boundary right away and never allow exceptions, no matter what important call or business deal they may miss.

Set boundaries with yourself on what you will and will not tolerate and be very direct and firm about them. Don’t bend your own rules for your narcissist workaholic or else you will find yourself bending all the rules.

For example, you stay home for a movie date night with your other half. The boundaries have been set already that there are no screens during date night. But since you are at home, maybe screens should be allowed since it’s so casual.

Nope. Nope. Nope. If you bend the boundaries on this, you will never go out to the movies again. Your narcissist workaholic will find the loophole way too easy to resist and start making excuses on why staying home for a movie is “so much better.” And then, four years later, you will find yourself at home for all dates, and your narcissist workaholic on the phone answering business messages while you sit next to them alone, but not alone.

Tip Three:

Have your own separate life. Your narcissistic workaholic lives in their own world. You will be lonely and resentful if you are waiting to be in their world because that’s not how it works.

They are selfish and they don’t allow anyone to linger in their world long, distracting them from their goals. And that’s okay as long as you are making yourself a priority.

If your friends are meeting somewhere and your narcissist workaholic is busy or distracted, leave without them. They can catch up or miss out. This is something you need to have boundaries already set in place for. Be realistic on how often you know your other half will willingly leave their world for yours.

I have my own life separate from my husband’s world. I have my own job, friends, plans, business endeavors, hobbies, etc. I have found learning to live for myself has been wonderful for my soul. I make plans and include him in them, sometimes I don’t.

He is always intrigued when I leave on a day trip or plan a three-day vacation. I might casually invite him, knowing he probably won’t come. He doesn’t usually want to go, and that is okay. He is not the center of my world, I am.

I am responsible for my happiness and adventures, and that is so freeing. His narcissistic personality and workaholic schedule forced me to get to know myself, my needs, and take the wheel of my life, and head in the direction of my desires. He loves that. This is the type of personality he needs in his life. We understand each other.

Tip Four:

Practice lots of self-love and learn to be selfish. You need to spend a lot of time loving yourself to make up for the amount of time your other half spends focusing on their world. Plan your day around yourself, not them. Make yourself your priority because you are not theirs.

Buy your own presents for every holiday. To avoid years of disappointment, you will need to be the one to remember holidays and anniversaries, plus planning them. Make your birthday just as amazing as you make others. Celebrate yourself as much as possible because you deserve it.

I had a little bit of experience with narcissists as I am a mother of three amazing people. Anyone who has ever been around a small child or a teenager, knows they are pretty much self-centered assholes. They forget birthdays, holidays,(especially Mother’s Day), even if it’s on their calendar and notifications.

I have been buying my own presents for many years before I met my husband, I just kept the tradition going once he came into the picture.

On my birthday he gives me money to buy my own presents and then he wraps them. We do the same for him. This has become the norm to do this for holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. It’s worked great and we both always get exactly what we want.

I am the sentimental one, so I usually get him a little extra gift that I picked out myself… But I never expect one back. I take the kids out to get Father’s Day gifts to make it personal. After many years, he started taking the kids and they buy me Mother’s Day presents… I’m rubbing off a little on him.

Tip Five:

Don’t make excuses for them. Just because they are narcissistic workaholics does not give them a pass on being rude or overly selfish to the point that it hurts others. This goes back to my most important tip: Boundaries.

You will not be able to make this relationship work unless you have set-in-stone boundaries. Without this, there is no respect. Narcissist workaholic types are pretty big on respect and without it, you will never have a spot in their world.

Don’t sugarcoat anything about their behavior. If they have been working too much and neglecting their family life, call them out on it. So, you’ve let a couple of boundaries slide a bit for a while but know it’s time to make it right… reset it in stone.

If a family member or friend feels like they’ve been neglected or slighted, tell your loved one that their actions are hurting others. They’ve probably been so consumed with whatever’s going on in their world, they didn’t even notice.

You need to be the one to hold up the mirror and point out the dangers in the path ahead. Be gentle, but stern or else they will plow right over you. It takes a strong heart and a strong mind to have a healthy relationship with a narcissistic workaholic. Time often shows, the relationship of trust and openness is a bond that is often what both parties needed in the first place.

Try to notice the little things your narcissist workaholic does to show you love and don’t expect grand gestures of admiration. If you are the type that needs attention and a BF /cheerleader, then a narcissist workaholic is not for you. They are the ones who need the cheerleaders and BF (even if they don’t always make great ones back.)

They are very sensitive even though they appear to be in control and perfectly put together. They have faced many years of rejection and being told they are too selfish. They are flawed and feel just as unwanted and unloved as they project onto you.

If you are a person who likes to be alone, yet wants someone around every now and then, but does not need others to thrive, then this is the relationship for you.

It takes a person with a strong moral code and the ability to maintain their own happiness and self-love. Not everyone has a personality type that fits with a narcissistic workaholic. You need to ask yourself if this is a personality type that you can spend a decade or more with?

Be honest with yourself now and save you both years of struggles and pain. Look deep within yourself and follow your inner self to where you need to go.