The world has become decentralized

"The answer to the pain of grief is not a way to get out of it, but how to feed yourself within yourself." ~ Unknown

Ever since I lost my husband Matt more than eight months ago due to cancer at just thirty-nine years old, I have seen so many changes happen inside me, and one of those changes is the burning sense of self-defense that I have because of my grief.

We live in a unique period in history. The world has turned upside down due to the coronavirus epidemic, and at the time of writing the UK had just over 100,000 Covid-related deaths and many others excluding Covid.

That is a staggering number of people who are grieving, and when I consider that not all losses are related to death, I suspect that everyone in the world is suffering to some degree right now.

But I am concerned that this loss of the universe has become so ingrained in our daily lives that it is now considered normal to suffer.

The news of the mass death no longer seems to shock us. We are separated from each other in order to live and sustain ourselves, and this is reinforced daily by messages of stay at home and away from society.

Our human need for intimacy and connection has become second to none in the real life threat we face, so we willingly submit to these new rules - we put on masks and stay away, back off, and we don't complain about the psychological wounds we face because this is so much worse.

There is a collective feeling of numbness, which is a well-known way to deal with stress levels, and I can’t help but listen to this from my panic response.

I sometimes feel frustrated, and I see the reason for using this form of self-defense, but that is why my grief comes as a gift to me now: Thank you for being able to communicate and accept my feelings of pain and grief. This is my healing; this is a walk in life as I know what I was meant to do.

We are not made to deny or suppress our feelings, we are made to learn and grow with them, because emotions are the energy and strength that needs to move. When I refuse to let my emotions get the better of me, they become trapped inside.

I know this because it has happened to me before. The sadness is strange, it is the most painful and deepest experience I have ever had, and yet it is obvious to me. I know I’ve heard it before but in a different way and at a different time.

It’s inside my heart and I have an inner awareness that I intend to hear. In the past, I was apprehensive about the magnitude and intensity of my emotions, as well as about everyone around me. They would get frustrated when I showed them, so I pressed them and did my best to push them down.

The result? Years of suffering from anxiety, depression, and unexplained physical illnesses and illnesses, which I now understand are a manifestation of my closed suffering.

Bessel Van der Kolk describes the trauma as “unseen or unknown.” It seems to be a real danger to be at risk, but we continue to be ashamed of being a major threat to our society, a society that rewards us with being more productive and productive than our human needs.

Unfortunately, this discrepancy can prevent us from treatment. In our culture there is a lack of tolerance for the emotional weakness that victims experience. Less time is allocated to the operation of emotional events. We are often pressured to fix very quickly after a difficult situation.

So, we have a problem. At a time when more of us than ever before need to accept the danger of isolating ourselves and not associating with others, we are at the same time fighting against the idea of ​​capitalism. Which do we prefer? Authentic or attachment?

I believe we both need it, but I also believe it should start with the truth, and that is why.