The truth is...

I've been traveling with depression all my life. I'd say most of the women in my family have. Any one of them can spin you a sad, but completely true story. And a lot if them have more than one. Some don't even fully know their sad story. So, I'm predisposed you might say. Pain has passed down through the generations and run rampant in our lives. It was time somebody put a stop to it. To not allow it to pass to the next generation.

I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I was a little girl, carrying a baby doll and diaper bag everywhere I went. Finally, at age 31, having been a mother for six years, I figured out why I'd wanted to be one so bad when I was younger. Why it was the only thing I could ever envision myself being. And why I was struggling so hard to be what I wanted to be. I wanted to break the cycle; to be the change I wanted to see.

It's not been an easy road though, short as it's been so far. I've had to unlearn bad habits and pick new ones that are both calming and healthy. I've been to therapy and had several medications prescribed and yet I'm still in the fight every day of breaking that cycle. Not only am I fighting to beat my own depression, I am hoping to be a good role for my daughters, so that even though they are predisposed like I am, they will have the tolls early on that I never did. Do that, I have to learn how to dream and hope and most importantly, love myself again.

It's a process and I'm very much still working on it. I still have days where I don't shower or barely eat. I still battle the voice every day that says I'm not enough. I still have what seems to be an unsurmountable of anxiety weighing me down and on certain days it seems I can barely function. And yet, every day I put one foot in front of another and keep going. For my girls; but also, finally, for myself.

You may be wondering how though. If it is so heavy and hard, how do I keep going? I can't say enough for a good support system. The kind of people who tell you the truth even when you don't want to hear it. The kind of people who will always love you no matter the sadness you carry in your heart. Someone you can rely on to always be there and make you laugh or remind you of the things that make you happy. The amazing thing is it doesn't have to be a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, those kinds of relationships are important and it's vital you pick a partner who has similar goals and who is honest, but there's a lot to be said for platonic support. Take my sisters for example. You'll not find people with bigger hearts and amazing ways of making my day better with just simple words. The most important thing is that you reach out to the right people. Those with your best intentions and genuine love in mind. Another helpful tools I came across during a mindless FB scrolling session is a gratitude ritual. Every morning I pick three things I am grateful for and then I pick a person I am grateful for and I tell them. It's a small thing, but it allows me to explore my own mind and heart and also step out of my head for a moment and help someone else by reaching out to them.

It's not gravy from there but it is easier. Safer. Having someone to turn to in a dark moment can mean the difference between "what if" and "too late." So, while I still may sit on the couch and cry because the prospect of facing the day is too great, I know I'm not alone, and neither are you! We must allow ourselves those moments but not get lost in them. My therapist gave me some advice that he continues to remind me. In order to understand our emotions, we must feel them. Allow them space and energy, sort through them, and then move forward with understanding. Don't force them in a box or repress them. I think it's good advice. We should allow our emotions space to breathe so that they may pass. Holding on to something like anger or jealousy or even sadness, can cause more damage than having a cry session. Find a safe space, a journal if necessary, and just get it all out.

Remember, don't deny your feelings!