Fears and Goals

I have a huge fear a failure. Huge. I question everything and whether it will fail. Jobs, relationships, parenting, even being friends with someone. Which is why writing like this every week is such a struggle. It amazes every time I get even a single read, let alone multiple! I am always second guessing myself and thinking it could have been better. Granted, there have been times in my life when I haven't tried. When I haven't put my best foot forward. For the most part, however, I am at constant war with my imperfections and how I let them limit me. There are things in my life that I allow to hold me back, that I let stand in my way. It’s usually just myself, doubting every move I make. Not letting my intuition guide me but instead allowing fear to swallow me up and hold me hostage in my own mind.

It can be a dark place, my mind. A place I often feel trapped and have to find my way out of. I win battles every time I sit down to write but it is an exhausting fight. Putting my fear aside and grasping for the dreams that I want. I’ve come to realize at this point that I let fear rule my life. I let it creep in and keep me down. Me. It’s only me holding me back, letting fear run rampant in my mind, leaving chaos in its wake. Sometimes I feel broken beyond repair, other times I feel like that brokenness is what keeps me going. Is it too much to ask to have one day where I feel unbroken and strong? Must I always feel and act weak?

When I turn to the keyboard though, I am attempting to grab that fear and use it. It is my way of overcoming what holds me back. To show myself that I am capable and am strong enough to face my fears and move forward. Not only with my writing, but with my life. I am afraid of myself and the darkness inside me. No matter how much shadow work I seem to do, there is always more to overcome. So much to dig through and figure out. Did I mention it’s exhausting?

So how do I push forward? I have a dream, a goal, finally, and I want to realize that dream, even if it means embracing my feelings and emotions. Rather than wage war on myself, I am saddling my fears and using them to help me move forward. I don’t want to stay stuck like I’ve always been. I want to explore and learn and remember. I want to remember what it felt like to create without fear and reservations. When I was a child, I would write without abandon, whatever came to mind. I even started a novel in elementary school about a princess lost at sea. I’ve always known I wanted to write, but I’ve always let me stand in my way of making my dream a reality. But not anymore.

I know that I will have to continue to fight for a while. The war is not over, much as I wish it was. I still have to fight for control, but it gets easier every time I write. Each time I sit down I front of the computer or put pen to paper, I am lifted just a lit it more. I refuse to let my fears win and keep me from happiness. I encourage anyone else with a dream, a goal, or a wish, to fight for that every day. Don’t fight against yourself but with join forces and conquer the fear together.

Please understand, it’s hard for me to write the way that I do, but I do so in the hopes of helping myself and others. I’m hoping to not only heal my wounds but stop my daughter from obtaining the same, and if possible, help someone reading this heal their own. If I can help even just one person embrace their fears and use them to reach their dreams and goals, then I will be satisfied with a job well done.