The trip that changed my life.

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means damage no longer has control over our lives."

A year ago today I flew to Hawaii with two of my best friends, for what I thought was going to be an epic girls trip. What I didn't know was, it would be the trip that launched a healing journey I needed for many years. While at the time I viewed many of the events as hurtful, reflecting on them one year later I realize that it all happened for a reason.

What made me think of this trip you may ask? Well, I was sitting at my desk looking for something and I broke a glass souvenir that I had gotten from Hawaii that year. At first I was mad because I loved that souvenir, but looking back now I realize it was a reminder from the universe, because that trip honestly broke me.

This was actually a birthday trip for me and one of my best friends. We had gone the previous year before the pandemic hit and I had one of the best vacations of my life. With the pandemic we knew the trip would be different, but we still wanted a get away. My other friend was going through some things and we thought she would benefit from the trip. For the first few days, everything was great until it wasn't.

"Note to self: Healing is not an overnight process."

Without going into too many details, there was mis communication and other issues that ultimately led both of my friends flying back home early, while I stayed alone on the island. This was the first time in my life I had ever been that far from home completely alone. Looking back now I wish I would have taken more advantage of that time, but I still did the best I could with it and took time to reflect on life.

At that point I knew that my 13 year friendship was coming to an end, and my almost 25 year friendship (sorry for the numbers Lisa)! was changing in a way that I couldn't relate to. I know that we will always be friends (sisters really), but for most of our friendship one of us always understood what they other was going through. I was terrified because these were two people had been a constant in my life. If they went in different directions where does that leave me? It left me to find myself.

"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on."

When I arrived home I didn't even unpack my bag, I was so distraught I placed the suitcase in my closet, and thats where it sat until today one year later .There wasn't anything I needed from the bag since all I packed were beach clothes and disposable toiletries. I finally unpacked that suitcase and it made me very emotional. I realized just how much I had grown since this moment.

At first I was lost, I was scared of what my life was going to look like. I fell down the rabbit hole, blaming myself for everything. This led me to reflecting on many events that happened in my life before this trip. I started looking at why I am the way I am. I also realized how I held on to many relationships just because these people had been in my life for a long time. A lot of friendships that I had posed as a distraction because they always came to me for help, so by helping them I didn't have to deal with my issues.

Eventually I began evaluating all friendships in my life, gauging everything from communication to what they were bringing to my life. Did we know each other for the people we are today, or a past version of ourselves which is holding our friendship together. What I realized is a lot of these people in my life only knew the past version of me, not the person that I was becoming.

"You are not broken, you are becoming."

When I decided to quit drinking after I came home from the trip, this shrunk my friend group even more. Ultimately making me see that some friendships were held together by parties. I am still a work in progress when it comes to my drinking, its been such a part of who I am ( I know that sounds horrible but it's true) that I myself have to learn who I truly am without it. What I can say is I don't turn to it as often as I did a year ago, especially when I am feeling sad or angry. So I'll take that as progress.

Looking back at the girl I was a year ago, compared to who I am now is a huge difference. I am still a mess, and sometimes I feel like I've gotten worse instead of better. Then I realize back then I was hiding behind alcohol and distractions. I was running from myself, not wanting to accept that sometimes I was the toxic person in the situation. While also making excuses for the people that were toxic for me.

They always say that everything happens for a reason, and as cliche' as it sounds I believe it too be true. For if things didn't happen they way they did, it wouldn't sent me down the hardest but most beneficial journey of my life. I still have a long way to go, but I am proud of how far I've come.

"Be brave enough to heal yourself, even when it hurts."