The Stars and I- Trying to Find Myself

The Beginning

I was lost for a long time. Growing up in a turbulent and unstable environment can do that to a person. Instability, it takes energy away from being able to form as a person and turns your focus towards surviving. Instead of looking for hobbies, interests, and friends, I waited, sometimes impatiently, for the next fight or the next big move. Neither, high school nor college, were the best years of my life because I was too busy being lost. When college came along, all of a sudden, I went from being a lost teenager to an adult struggling to grapple through new expectations while still trying to figure out who I was as a person. That was how I ended up spending two torturous years pursuing a career I did not like and closing myself up completely to the outside world, then finally reaching my bottom and seeking out help.

Astrology did not help with my journey. Instead, it made it worse. In my culture, astrology is a very popular subject, especial with the older generation. Every day after the morning news, a neatly dressed woman with bright red lipstick would read your daily astrological readings, and every morning, I would sit in front of the television with my mother, listening to my reading. I am a Sagittarius, someone who is supposed to be outgoing, loud, confident, impulsive, and social. So, what was wrong with me? Instead of being confident, I was shy and reserved. Instead of being social, I was introverted, and instead of being outgoing, I was a wallflower. Don’t get me wrong, I still am shy, introverted, and I don’t like being the center of attention, but for a long time, the fact that I was none of these things made me more insecure and confused.

Maybe I was obsessed...just a little bit- I promise!

However, trying to find something to cling to and give me an identity, I started to really get into astrology. And let me tell you, it wasn’t the only identity I tried to cling to. I would cling to the identity of my partners to the point that each relationship would leave me an empty shell of a person.

But, I became obsessed. I would spend hours reading up about the different zodiac signs. Trying to figure out my in-depth astrological chart, factoring in the location I was born, the degrees of the planets when I was born, what color my mother wore, and if the leprechaun was at the end of the rainbow that day. I had factored everything into my chart.

I started to believe that if I wasn’t outgoing and social, then I must have inherited all the bad characteristics of being a Sagittarius. Maybe I was a cheater? Maybe I was brutally honest? Maybe I was just an asshole?

So, I tried to fit into the rigid characteristics outlined by astrology. I tried to be social and quickly became burnt out. I tried to become outspoken, but my voice would tremble. Nothing seemed to work, and I was still the same shy and closed-off person as before. Maybe, I was flawed?

Finding Myself

However, I wasn’t flawed or messed up. I was looking for a way to form my identity. Something that I wasn’t able to do as a child…and it took many, many years. Many people aren’t taught how to love themselves. Instead, they become people pleasers trying to appease their parents, then their teachers, and then finally trying to appease their partners. These people are never truly able to find happiness in themselves because it is a practice lost to people like us. For me, this appeasement manifested in my obsession with becoming the perfect Sagittarius.

And yes, I am a Sagittarius, but I am also just me. I am a person not dictated by my zodiac sign. Now, after counseling and a lot of self-work, I am more happy, confident, and outgoing but not because of my zodiac sign but because I learned to love myself for who I was. I am now comfortable in my body and my head.

I am a shy, reserved, introverted, and loyal person.

I am a Sagittarius.