The Single Mothers Survival Guide - A Dreamer In Action

“I recalled John Maxwell saying in Failing Forward, 80% of success is just showing up.”

Do you have any dreams or aspirations? Most likely you do. Do you know where your passion lies inside of yourself? It could be possible that you don’t. Many of us don’t. We fall into jobs, get married without thinking things through, and generally accept the circumstances in our life. Think about it now while you are reading this. What makes your heart thump? What gifts were you born with? Do you dare to even hope when you already have enough to do—and all hope seems to do is lead to despair?

Yes! Hope! Hope, because you can make your dreams a reality. Of course it will require a great deal of faith and persistence on your part, and you will need a vision or plan. If you integrate all of these factors, you can mold your dream into a reality and your dreams will crystallize before your very eyes. It will, however, take time. Even if you are too pooped to pop right now, the exhaustion will pass, organization will come, and you will be ready to dream once again.

Faith is where dreams are born. It was once said that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains. This is certainly good news for single mothers as you will find you frequently need to move a mountain or two. Faith is a belief deep in your soul and in your consciousness that something is possible. Faith is an I can, and it can, and it will attitude. Faith is the seed that, when planted and nurtured, grows into reality.

I am fortunate enough to know John and Maria Herren. They were international speakers and have been—and still are—an inspiration to me. Their daughter, Gina, is a friend of mine, and meeting her parents and coming to know them changed my whole outlook on life. Maria was a single mother of a young boy, raising him alone. She was very young. John had served in Vietnam and had been privy to the Battle on Hamburger Hill. Young Maria met him at the beach one day shortly after he had been discharged from the service. John didn’t have any money but he had a car full of books. Years ago, Maria’s mother had told her that a man who reads is a man who can do anything. Maria remembered what her mother had said and took careful note of John and his books. He subsequently went on to get his law degree and also became a real estate broker with two offices.

They were married and Maria worked hard alongside John. While in their mid-thirties, they saw an opportunity in what is now Network 21 and eventually became millionaires through this opportunity. They lectured and spoke all over the world to audiences of thousands of people who eagerly hung on to every word. A small seed of faith started this whole process in motion, and John and Maria have inspired many, many people since, including me.

One way to obtain this type of faith is to watch someone else succeed in the area of your interest. Talk to people, especially positive and encouraging ones, and find mentors—or at least be open to them finding you. Read autobiographies, listen to tapes, and do whatever it takes to open and fill your mind and spirit with hope and faith.

I used to drive from Palm Springs to Monterey with Gina while I was pregnant with Jasmine and still married to my previous husband. Gina and I would listen to motivational tapes the whole way there and back. One time I was so sick I almost didn’t go, but knowing the way John and Maria lived and how being around them and so many positive people spurred me on, I went. It would eventually change my life for the better. I may have been broke financially but not in my attitude and spirit. John and Maria encouraged me to act as if I had everything and I have since carried this with me all the time.

We really can calls things that are not as though they were! The trick is to act as if what you want to happen has happened already, is faith. Acting this way can change the chemistry in your body. Does this mean I am a fake? No, I am authentic and always will be authentic. Now that I have convinced you of my authenticity, have you heard the term, Fake it till you make it? Well, fake the clothes, the attitude, and change your negative thoughts by believing and acting as if you are already there. There is no room for can’t because it already is! Your essence or who you really are won’t change, but some of your behaviors and circumstances can, so have faith and watch your life unfold. You are not really faking it, you are just helping your reality to change for the better.

98% of the population quits when things seem difficult or impossible. In sales I have experienced so much rejection that on some occasions I would feel like crying. Persistence is what kept me going and that, in turn, led to bigger and better opportunities and more income. I remember so many times feeling the urge to run away or quit, and I had to will myself to stay where I was. I recalled John Maxwell saying in Failing Forward, “80% of success is just showing up.” would get through just one more day by reminding myself to just show up and do my best one moment at a time. Excuses don’t work when you are being persistent.

If you’re tired, get some rest and then keep moving on. This may seem paradoxical but you can be persistent and still rest when you need to. You will think more clearly when you are rested, and sometimes a little catnap is all you need to do the trick. For every perceived failure, there is a learning experience and a seed of success is planted. Being persistent to the stage of completion helps to overcome perfectionism. Sometimes you can be involved in doing something and become part of the Let’s Make It Better syndrome. This will probably guarantee that you will not complete what you are doing because it will never be good enough and you’ll keep changing things. Just do it. Then improve it later if you must.

When beginning your journey, confine your efforts to one small area of your life. This will be a good start. After you have mastered this one area, then move on to other areas, expanding as you go. My usual advice; reward yourself for any progress you make. Everyone makes mistakes, so learn from them, accept them, and keep moving ahead. Paige, a mother of three boys, quit her job as a financial representative to start her own insurance business. She had saved enough money to keep going for a few months and, although Paige had a business plan and followed through, the insurance business slowed down right after the 2008 crash and she didn’t have enough cash flow to see her through this crisis. She not only felt like a failure but, she also felt stupid for even trying, even though the circumstances were totally out of her control.

Paige regrouped and then went back to being a financial rep, working full time again. Something good came out of it though. She realized she didn’t want an insurance career after all and so, while she worked full time, she took inventory of what she really wanted to do. What would better suit her personality? She researched SBA loans, grants, and attended a counseling session on writing a business plan. She was positive that her efforts to ultimately have her own business would come to fruition, but this time she took the necessary steps to make it happen.

Paige drafted a five-year plan on attaining goals and an income level she could strive for at her present job. This would allow her to continue pursuing her goals while still working. She also accepted the fact that she would have to be a working mother for somebody else for the period of time she required to realistically work on another plan. One thing she knew was that she needed to clean up her credit. She also started putting a little aside in her 401K, which she would later roll over into other investments when she started her own business. She adamantly believed in herself, which was a prerequisite to assuring her future and, at the same time, helped her to be a good role model to her children.

Fortunately, within three years she succeeded in having an online consulting business, letting her provide for her family while still being available to them. She could schedule her own time and work pace, which allowed her to be able to attend her children’s school and other activities. Most other appointments ceased being a problem as they could usually be fit into her schedule. Paige is currently engaged to be married and she is very happy. She is also able to spend time with her fiancé. Her persistence and faith were finally rewarded. Was it easy? No! It took hard work and dedication but she had a vision of what she wanted in life and made her dream become a reality.

As for me, I would ask myself how, as a single mother working 50 hours a week to make a decent income, could I have a vision? After coming home and after preparing and eating dinner, helping the kids with their homework, I would do the other chores that needed to be done and then fall into bed exhausted. Life’s crises, doctor’s appointments, cleaning, shopping, menus, and cooking were all staring me in the face while trying to take care of myself as best I could. I even had my mother move in after the duplex had been sold. Thank God she did, but I still was running 24/7 and it was hard to visualize what my life could be like. I was working in high end retail and had to work weekends. My salary was based on straight commission and I averaged good money each year (after years of struggling). This at least paid some bills but I missed my children desperately and dreamt of spending more time with them. While contending with all this, it was difficult to come up with a vision in order to have the life I really wanted. Now with the changing world and the pandemic many of us are forced to change.

At times I would have to visualize very hard because circumstances looked so bleak. I knew I knew I had to do this, however. If I didn’t pursue my vision, my life would have very little in the way of options and choices later on. I joined virtually every multi-level marketing company I could afford. I would dress in business suits when I was flat broke and looking for opportunities. Before my last job, determined to make a home business work, I took a part-time job as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant. Let me tell you something. Loving Mexican food and the Spanish culture did not help to turn me into a waitress.

Here I was, already in my 30’s, and I had never done this type of work before. Believe me, it is hard work! I would dress up in a bright multi-colored bouffant skirt and peasant style blouse, and wore my blondish hair in a ponytail. In no way could I manage this job of balancing trays, writing food orders, remembering drinks and special requests, and all the while I would try to smile and keep the customers happy. I felt like I was playing a part in a crazy sitcom. The younger waitresses just watched me fumble around and the seasoned ones wondered what on earth I was doing there. After three days I began to wonder too, and so I told the owner that I quit. After I left the restaurant, I went to meet a friend of mine at a local university. One of my old classmates saw me in my uniform and asked if I was waiting for my mom. She didn’t even recognize me.

I had to visualize my dreams more in context and see that my reality would be what I would make of it. I decided the home business wasn’t working, at least not then. I called a friend the next day and got a job selling high end furniture. I made a lot of money that year. I then made the time to properly research different home businesses, real estate, and internet sales. The pieces of my puzzle were starting to form a more complete picture—piece by piece—and my vision was starting to come into focus. On my days off when the kids were at school, I wrote down my goals and decided to do my sales job with all that I had and, at the same time, start building multiple income streams as outlined in The One Minute Millionaire. Miraculously, people started appearing in my life, many of whom had the answers to my questions and needs. You have heard the phrase "Where there is no vision, the people perish! How true this is. On some days I would cry and doubt myself, doubt the force within, and virtually doubt the whole universe, but I knew that somehow I had to hold on to my vision of freedom.

My children watched me and helped me make dream books, and we would dream together. The best part was that they were impressed enough to practice this in their own activities and dreams, while I was in the process of reaching for my own vision. So start visualizing what your ideal life would look like and use faith and perseverance to start moving towards your dream, one goal at a time. You will find that your baby steps will turn into giant steps. You may need to redefine your vision periodically because life and goals are always changing.

Someone wise once said that once you as a person take action, Providence steps in to help. With vision, your spirit, and your life will soar and your dreams will become a reality!

Loving and Emotional Practice:

Make a Vision Board. Cut out pictures of your dreams and desires, whether it is a yacht, a new husband, or just a nice house with a picket fence...make a collage and be as outrageous as you want. Then, when you feel down and out, make a dream box or a intention box. Have fun with this. Include your children if you want. Remember, you deserve the best. Read this a year or so later and see how many dreams and intentions have been answered.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

I live and dream in this moment. I show up for life.

This book is dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.