The Single Mothers Survival Guide Series - Victim No More

“Mentors are lifelines in the bridge over the deep waters of victim to victor.”

Living independently from others’ viewpoints requires that we take responsibility for our own lives and actions. In order to do this, we must stop blaming others and stop playing the role of a victim. We may have been hurt, betrayed, or abandoned in our life, but if we stay stuck in this groove of being wounded, it will be difficult to progress to the steps that can lead to a happy and fulfilling life. To make matters worse, being a victim is a role our children can take on. There are three phases to the removal and healing of the victim pattern; acceptance, forgiveness and accountability.

ACCEPTANCE requires that we take a good hard look at where we are in life. What are our responsibilities and, more important, how do we move out of denial into reality? Bridgett, the mother of an 11-year-old boy, could not accept the fact that her 14-year marriage was over. She blamed Justin for everything and made him the bad guy in this scenario. In her eyes she was the wounded party. Until she accepted that this was her life too, and that she had played a part in the breakup, she was stuck in her own resentment and pain. Anger and sadness are part of the healing process, but when we stay stuck there, it is difficult to regain our own personal power. When Bridgett finally accepted her life as it was, she was able to take the next step, which was ownership of her life. She then made a conscious decision to forgive. Until she had gone through the acceptance stage, she could not go to the forgiveness stage.

FORGIVENESS is difficult. When life brings us as single mothers to the reality of what separation really is, how can we forgive when we have been left alone to bear so much responsibility and agony? We are so very tired. Perhaps our ex is either totally out of the family picture or maybe he gets weekend or semi-monthly visitations. Either way, we still have to clean, take the kids to the doctors, nurture, love, help with homework, get them ready for school and life, and handle virtually everything that goes along with this. Sometimes we are even criticized for the job we are doing.

Over time, resentment can build up and it sure does seem like it is justifiable. Why should we want to forgive when the undesirable behavior of the other person has not changed? I’m sure you have heard this before; forgiveness is not for the benefit of the forgiven person but rather, it is for the benefit of the forgiver. It does not excuse the behavior of an absent or controlling parent, but forgiveness does allow us to heal and take care of our own life. We cannot change another person or their behavior no matter how much we want to. Harboring a grudge can be detrimental to your physical, mental and spiritual well-being. Resentment can eat away at you.

Once you release someone and let them go, the process of forgiveness starts and healing can begin. Now we are able to focus on the changes we need to make and take inventory of our own shortcomings, while at the same time, having the willingness to change them. As we begin to change patterns we will start to have compassion for the weaknesses of others. When we stop blaming and judging others, we will know that forgiveness is starting to take place.

My first husband, Paul, and his new wife sued me for full custody of our three children while I was pregnant with my fourth child in my second marriage (rebound relationships usually don’t work). At the time, I didn’t know what I would do. A lot of bitterness reared its ugly head and showed itself in feelings and words. Money battles ensued and more fights followed. I won the case, but so did he. He was able to get ten weeks in the summer and had the gift of seeing the children more. I felt both vulnerable and scared. He had more money and seemed more stable. (I do not have any advice regarding family law or attorneys, but suggest you look at the resources on the Internet). There was no choice but to let life happen and allow matters to work out. After a hectic beginning, the children started to enjoy the relationship with their father and the semi-monthly and summer visits became pleasant for all of us.

Now, as I look back years later, I understand that almost everything worked out for the best. I don’t always agree with his parenting techniques; nor does he always agree with mine, but eventually we found that his parenting strengths seemed to compensate for my parenting weaknesses and some of my parenting skills compensated for his weaker ones. Without forgiveness, I never would have accepted this and I would have wasted precious time and energy blaming him for everything. Today I have an amicable relationship with Paul and with his wife. We are able to cut each other slack for our respective mistakes. Our children have benefited immensely from this and love us both.

Now, forgiving an ex-husband who has made mistakes but is still part of the picture is difficult, but it is attainable. Forgiving an ex-husband who is a deadbeat dad or absent parent seems nearly impossible. Sarah's husband was an every-day alcoholic who would show up every two years or so. No child support or alimony was forthcoming. How could Sarah not be resentful and not blame him for her two children’s heartaches? I can relate to this. I had a similar situation with my second marriage, and Jasmine, my fourth child. I not only hated Don, her dad, but myself for getting into such a rotten situation. Forgiveness isn’t only about forgiving others. We must also forgive ourselves. We are human and not infallible, but hate is a very destructive emotion.

Many of us have been hurt in various ways to some degree. Out of this hurt, we frequently try to over correct and make bad choices. That is why it is so important to know the consequences of our past errors and to learn from them. Although we should realize that the absent dad is choosing wrongly out of hurt and from the degree of his own pain and hurt, we should also know that he is acting selfish and his behavior is inexcusable. You will have to totally let that person go. Forgive someone by realizing they too were hurt and somewhere along the line, life will catch up to them and they will have to move on. Don’t waste your precious time or energy on being vengeful. I know that situations can be sad and regrettable, but remember you are empowered to live your own life and forgiveness gives you this power. I hope Toni comes to realize this. In time, I know I did. Being accountable isn’t always fun .

ACCOUNTABILITY comes when we reach the point where we are not blaming others and take responsibility for every part of our life; our children, health, finances, work, my own trauma and healing and the list goes on and on. This is a time in our life when a personal inventory can help us to see clearly where we really are in our life. When you start a written inventory, you should compile a list of all the things you are already doing right, as well as stating any areas you would like to improve. This is not a list to judge yourself on or one that can tempt you to beat yourself up. This self-inventory must be honest and you may want to bring in a trusted friend as an accountability partner to help you in this.

Some areas of accountability could include money management, time management, personal habits, morals, goals, behaviors, delegating, parenting, or whatever you can think of. After thoroughly working this out alone, or with your accountability partner, pick the three top areas you want to change and write a contract stating what changes you want to make. Remember also, priorities can change, sometimes on a daily basis. However, your primary areas of concern probably will not change much. Give yourself a reward every time you achieve a stepping-stone in this process. Have a consequence if you miss the mark. Usually, missing your target milestone in this is enough of a consequence, so don’t continue to beat yourself up. Just start over again.

If you do have an accountability partner, which I strongly suggest, check in with her or him weekly to reevaluate your progress. Remember, progress is not predicated on perfection. You are a work-in-progress and eventually you will see some desired changes. Sometimes this can happen immediately; sometimes it can happen slowly. Either way it is progress.

One of my friends, Dawn, became my accountability partner. A few years ago, when my budget was out of whack and a major concern, I barely had enough energy to care. I had never heard of accountability partners but Dawn facilitated groups that practiced this method to help clients chart their progress on various issues. It is not intrusive if it is your choice to do this and if you trust and like your accountability partner. It can be a bit uncomfortable in the beginning.

Dawn sat down with me and wrote everything down on paper, which was an eye-opener, to say the least. She structured everything she had written down into as workable a plan as possible for my finances at the time. Since I was not yet totally cohesive, Dawn called my utility companies and anyone I owed money to and explained my dilemma and worked out a payment plan with them. We checked my progress weekly or periodically and I slowly made progress in many areas. I am still not perfect in the area of finance, but over the years I have learned to pay my bills and keep my debts manageable.

By having an accountability role model, my children have also learned their own lessons of consequences from choices they make. By me offering them input, while at the same time, standing back (even when I wanted to rescue them), they got it. Thank God Dawn had come in to my life to mentor me. She has truly been an angel and I have since learned to surround myself with wise women and men to learn the lessons of life. Accountability allows us to live our lives with integrity and honor, and removes the fear. Mentors are lifelines in the bridge over the deep waters of victim to victor!

Loving and Emotional Practice:

Write your story. Include the good things you have done and the mistakes you have made. Include the people you feel have wronged you and those that have helped along the way. Take your time, but start now. It can be a short story.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

I am responsible for my own thoughts and actions. I choose freedom. I survive and thrive. I am not a victim!

This book is dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.