The Single Mothers Survival Guide Series - Reclaiming Yourself

“We are able to break generational cycles, one layer at a time.”

Why? Why? Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? What is wrong with me? These are questions I think every person on this planet ask themselves at some point in their life. Deep down, if we have felt failure at any time in our life, we may still feel inadequate years later. After two divorces, I had to start looking within myself to find the answers to the WHYs of my broken life. I decided to listen to Tony Robbin’s advice and change my questions to HOW. By asking how this happened to me, my inward search led me to look at my denial and to think about the old programmed tapes I had running in my mind. What this showed me was that by not loving my core being, I had masked my true self, and caused myself much heartache.

Asking how showed me that I was not living my true identity. No, to quote an old joke, denial is not a river in Egypt. Actually it runs deeper than any river ever could. We go through life experiencing repetitive cycles or patterns, having the same old fights and the same old reactions to many of the triggers in our life. We usually bring the same—or same types of—people into our lives to help us replay these scenarios; then we wonder why our life is not working the way it should.

When we wonder how this happened, we realize that as children, or somewhere along the line in life, we would ignore who we really were. We would put on a mask or create other defense mechanisms to help us survive. At times, especially in extremely fearful situations, we needed these defense mechanisms to survive and not go insane. Maybe we were verbally, physically, or sexually abused—or maybe we were fearful for an unknown reason. We would pretend and become someone we wanted to be, not who we really were. Imagination is great but sometimes it can backfire on you. In a situation like this we can retain these survival masks and modes as we grow up, and then we unwittingly carry them over into our relationships.

Try to recall a time in your life when you had been hurt or humiliated in some way. Do you remember that later on you vowed to never let that happen again? At that particular time, you likely felt that being who you were was not OK and you promised yourself to change. I remembered doing this, as did many women with whom I have talked. A layer of denial had been set into motion.

I was raised by my mom and my grandma and grandpa. We had a nice house with a swimming pool in a normal middle-class neighborhood. My mother loved me very much and I had a lot of good times with my mother and my grandmother. One of my best memories is when my mom took my friend, Amber, and me ice-skating every week at the Olympic rink in Harbor City. My grandma also spent a lot of time with me when my mom was working. She was a strong and assertive woman who bought me nice things and fed me nourishing food. My grandpa also loved me but he was an alcoholic and I can remember many times when I felt like his babysitter, instead of the reverse being true.

It’s never easy to reclaim your life. However, on thinking back, something that was easy for me to remember were the good times in my young life. Even now, I hold on to the functional and the fun times like they are gold. However, later, when my life wasn’t working as it should have, and I ended up using alcohol or medication to numb my feelings and stop my anxiety, I had to ask why (how)? One probable contributing reason was that my grandma and grandpa owned a bar and I spent a lot of time there as a child. My mom had to work full time and after school grandma and I walked to the bar, which was about a mile away. Although they had hired help, one of them was usually there for at least part of a shift. Grandma would take over my grandpa’s shift and while I waited, I would play pinball or shoot pool, thinking this was normal. Of course, it was not.

Inside, I felt alone and unsafe. Everyone was drinking and I don’t think any child feels safe around people who are drinking. Every child has a right to feel safe. I know I laughed and joked a lot, but I also felt alone a lot. Since my grandparents were from Europe, where alcohol was always around, they didn’t really think much of it.

All of this left me with some very mixed up perceptions of what was normal in life and normal in relationships. I also experienced abandonment issues. I never knew my father until I was 18, and then I had to reprogram my thoughts about him. My thoughts about drinking and drunk people had to be faced as they played a huge role in my life and in my relationships. Knowing this made me think about how my relationships hadn’t quite worked like they should have.

My perceptions needed to be changed, and changing your perceptions can be a very long and drawn-out process. My own children have watched cycles of dysfunction. Fortunately, though, by the time they were born, my grandparents had sold their tavern and my grandpa didn’t drink like he did when I was a child. My grandma had mellowed out and they both loved the kids. They had always been caring people and now they seemed more in touch with reality and easier to relate to. Since our mindset is passed down from generation to generation, it can manifest itself in different behavior patterns. I feel behaviors and addictions are both genetic and environmental. This gives us the double task of reprogramming both our minds and our learned behaviors.

I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and as a result, my children have inherited their own issues to deal with. I found that by owning up to the truth in my life and in my family of origin, I was able to break some of these cycles and practice healthier patterns in my life. My mother was the first adult in our family to break the cycle of drinking. She did this by finding counseling and healing modalities. As mentioned, my grandparents later followed suit, although they would still have an occasional drink or a beer. I have been able to break multiple cycles of negative behavior by self-examination and by coming out of denial. Hopefully my children will do the same, or even do better. All I can do is my best for now and let love do the rest.

Whenever we deny who we really are, our senses are numbed and we react or act out in ways that the hurt child in us would act to hide the pain within. Penny was in a marriage that was not working. Frequently her husband, Tim, would pull away from her. Penny’s dad had left when she was very young, so every time that Tim pulled back she would panic and fear that she was going to be left alone again. The pain she felt with Tim was so intense that she would fight with him in retaliation. Tim had his own issues to deal with, which in turn caused him to create his own defensive actions, and he would distance himself from Penny, blaming her. In turn, Penny would blame him and this would cause him to pull away further. The rifts between them became so frequent and ugly that they eventually divorced. Penny’s nightmare had come true.

After some counseling and enough time had gone by, Penny was able to look inward. She came to terms with how badly it hurt her when her dad left. Deep in her subconscious she had blamed herself for her dad leaving. She was able to connect this to her hurt with Tim and her reactions to him. She taught herself how to retrain her memories and reclaim herself. It has taken many years plus a divorce, but Penny was eventually free of pain for the first time that she could remember.

On the surface, healing your hurt sounds easier to do than it really is. It is, however, worth it and it is doable. There are many ways to gain insight into the source of your hurt feelings. Therapists, bodywork, massage therapy, and self hypnosis are some techniques that can help trigger a release of these repressed emotions. If you do some inner work on your own, read the Affirmation Section at the end of this chapter. It should help you.

In 2002 and 2003, I completed over 250 hours in hypnotherapy coursework taught by Hugh Harmon, Ph.D., Director of The Foundation for Research of Mind Motivation. I found this to be a helpful tool in changing my own negative thought patterns. You will find it takes a lot of strength and courage to stop denying who you really are. One reason I dwell on this is because not only do we begin to heal when we come into the truth about ourselves and about our life, but we also become more authentic as a person.

If you have areas of shame or guilt, don’t feel alone. Everyone does and you will eventually have to forgive yourself in order to go on. We should try to remember our wholeness just the way we were originally designed. We then are able to break generational cycles, one layer at a time. Our children will see this happen and can start doing the same.

Why it has to take so much honesty and feelings of pain to break through to the truth, I don’t know. It’s almost like doing the 12-step process used in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first step you have to take is to admit what is wrong before it can be fixed. It’s similar to a principle to rid you of the denial (transgression) before you can go on. There are many books and many different theories on this subject alone.

In the beginning, even after making some progress, I found that I would then revert back into my comfortable denial zone, only to try again later. I would start by saying nuts to all of this and then I would work as if there were no tomorrow. It would be OK for a little while. Our family would exist, mesmerized, almost as if we were on some type of auto pilot mode. Eventually some pain would creep in and let me know that I was not yet done with my healing.

Once again, I would start by peeling off another layer of repressed emotions, hoping against hope that this was almost over and with each layer that came off, my spirit and soul would lighten. Then I would flex my psyche again and remember how important it was for me to look at the truth. As I start to deal with the next layer of lies, masks, and the defense mechanisms that have taken me a lifetime to learn, I become more adept at recognizing the patterns. Many memories cannot be changed, but our perception of them can be changed. It is not a quick fix and I will never be perfect, but I am worth it! My children and grandchildren are worth it! You are worth it!

To break out of denial or darkness into the truth and light, we must reprogram the old untrue tapes that creep up and play in our mind. Our brain or mind is like a computer and when we’re inputting whatever we perceived took place at that time, it remains in our computer-like memory, even though our original perceptions may have been wrong. Remember, we have no delete button in our memory. Hopefully, as adults, we are more discerning. It should be easier to not accumulate the untrue garbage and misperceptions we did as children, even if we still have many old untruths in our subconscious mind.

In order for us to thrive as an individual and as a parent, and to make better choices for our future and the future of our kids, we have to erase these old untrue tapes by reprogramming them. As parents, we have to be careful to not inadvertently implant misleading messages in our children. Sometimes, even our best intentions can create negative tapes in their heads. My son,

Ryan, excelled in school and he is still doing so as a graphic design student. Instead of just validating him, my expectations for him sometimes did exceed what was required of him and what he is actually able to achieve. I still get caught up in this with people. Ryan as a teen sometimes played into it. He felt valuable and worthy and subsequently worked overtime to please us all. I told him I am proud of his accomplishments but I want him to know that no matter what, he is valuable and wonderful and loved, as are all of my children. Deep down, I hope he believes this as an adult.

In my own life I managed to sabotage both of my marriages, most of my jobs, and many of my friendships. This was primarily because of my core belief that I was not good enough. I felt that because I didn’t have my dad, I didn’t deserve what everyone else had because I was different or not as good in some way. (Remember Society’s Views in the last article). Would I ever have admitted to this tape in my head? Hell, no! I always had said, “Who needs a dad? I am just fine!” I would put on my cloak of denial and I would lunge forward. Now I have to work through these same issues with my adult children without becoming enmeshed.

It was becoming increasingly clear that in every area of my life I felt that I was not deserving of many things. I would fight these feelings and just try harder. I wanted to be deserving of the house, the husband, and all of the perks I thought would make me happy. When I finally discovered the root of my feelings of inadequacy, I felt like I was a fake in my own body. I had to find out who I really was. I knew my core being was in there somewhere and I had to find it. I had to reprogram all of the lies so that I could claim myself and claim the birthright we all have—the one that we are all endowed with.

So, is being a mom at the core of our being? Is being a career women or a victim of society at our center? I don’t think so! To discover who we really are, we have to start peeling away the layers of denial and replace these layers in our psyche with the truth. When we ask some of the larger questions about ourselves such as why are we here and who are we really, some truths will surface. What is true happiness?

All of the roles we play are expressions of ourselves and perceptions of who we think we are. Yet, we are so much more than any of the roles we play, even the role of a single mother; so how do we remember who we really are and allow the light inside of us to really shine through? Well...we can go back insightfully, but still live in the present. We can pray and look ahead and try to change the present, if need be. We can take a deep breath and then go deep within ourselves and remember and change a little at a time. It is a personal choice that you make to go forward and to unravel yourself in your own time and space.

Coming out of denial is step one. Changing negative programming is the next step; after that different paths and processes will open up to you. You may find that the more you get to know and accept yourself, the better you will like yourself. Remember the story of the little wave that became larger and larger as it was about to break on shore. Approaching the shore, it suddenly became very afraid and said, “After I break on shore I won’t exist or be here anymore.” The wave behind it calmly said, “Remember, you are not just a wave. You are also the ocean!”

I wrote this chapter both for the sake of your children and for you, the mother. Please try to take this first step because inside of you there is a creation like no other. There is power and creativity in you that is unimaginable. There is life after divorce, death, or abandonment. You are the future and you are beautiful. Reclaim yourself!

Please read the poem, The Tower, following in my bio. It was born from this.

Loving and Emotional Practice:

For this practice you will need some quiet time. (I know. I know. Where can you go for peace and quiet)? Lock yourself in a room if you must, but do this practice. It can be life changing.

Step 1. Lie down and relax your body from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. Imagine every muscle relaxing. Take as long as you need, but do it. If you can, record a relaxation tape walking you through every part of your body so that every muscle can relax. Then relax your conscious mind by visualizing your most favorite and relaxing place, such as the ocean, the desert, or a mountain forest or stream. Visualize yourself walking through this favorite place about ten steps down. Relax at each step and tell yourself you are more and more relaxed. Finally, visualize your destination at the end of the steps. Use your imagination to create a comfortable, relaxing spot as you pause at the 10th step, perhaps a hammock, a beach blanket, or some warm sand under a palm tree.

Step 2. After relaxing in this space, imagine you are directed to a room called your subconscious control room. There is a computer in that room that has large delete and enter keys on it. Take three negative thoughts or attitudes and see each of them, one at a time on the computer screen. When you put each negative thought or feeling on the screen, visualize it. Then hit delete and visualize the words being replaced with a positive image. Example: “I don’t trust life” (use words or a scowling face) and DELETE this. Replace it with “I trust the process of life” (use words or a positive image such as a flower, a cloud, or a smiling face) and hit ENTER. This is a positive type of meditation, creative imagery or a simple self-hypnosis technique. All of us do this subconsciously throughout the day. This is a way to become conscious of our thoughts.

Step 3. If you want to make a tape for this practice, tape the relaxation process the way you want to do it through step 1 and then do part of step 2, where you visualize your self opening the door to the subconscious control room with the computer. At this point, leave the tape blank.

Step 4. Now, imagine the three negative thoughts one at a time, and imagine them individually on the computer screen as described in step two. Next, delete them one at a time as described in step two. Use an affirmative tone in your mind during this erase and replace technique.

Step 5. You are most likely still in your subconscious, at least partially, so after completing all of the above count up to five. If you are taping this practice, then restart your machine and record step 4. After counting to five, remind your brain how much energy and vitality you have in yourself and in your life. Your mind and eyes are clear and you are alert and wide-awake. Say something energetic and vital along these lines with each number as you count up. If you are making a tape of this practice then be sure and use energy as a term in the count-up and use calmness during the path to the control room.

Do not do any of this technique while driving.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

I can change my thoughts, one thought at a time.

This series is dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.