the secret art of letting things be

I can’t count the amount of times I’ve let out a sigh in the past two days. If I had to guess, my best guess is that I would have needed one of those clicker counters in order to tally them up.

Is it possible to feel great, without feeling too great? Because I feel great, fantastic even - I’m holding my own exceptionally well for somebody who hasn’t always had it together. At least I have it together for a bit. I’ve taken time for myself and my thoughts. Instead of trying to plan every moment of my day, I’ve taken it one step at a time. I try not to let the thoughts overwhelm me. Sometimes all you can do is take things one step at a time - I was always somebody who had trouble being patient.

But sometimes it’s not the thoughts that overwhelm me, it’s the sadness. Or, maybe it’s not necessarily a sadness - but a bitter feeling. Kind of like when you eat something that doesn’t sit well in your stomach, leaves a weird taste in your mouth. Bitter isn’t a word I like using, because it implies that you don’t like something. I don't feel as bitter about you anymore.

Have you ever tried so hard to change how a dream is turning out, only to wake up before you get to the end? For a long time, that’s what my interactions with you felt like. Like right before it felt like I was getting somewhere, it woke up. That part bothered me, waking up. I didn’t want to wake up and let things be. This went on for a while.

Yet, that’s something I have to do - which makes me feel bitter.

I’m doing plenty of other great things, and I AM happy, but even happy people go through things that they just can’t understand, things they need to find answers too. Have things they want to say but can’t, mostly because they know the outcome. And that’s okay, I’m okay with that.

You can talk all you want about how you feel about something, but it’s up to the other person to listen. Even if they do, you cannot control if they will hear what you want them too; chances are they won’t go to bed that night and wake up feeling different about what you said the next day.

So I take a step back, try to look at things from your perspective, and I take more steps back - and then I don’t even bother trying to think about it. I don’t try to bother analyzing myself from my point of view - because I’m not a mind reader. I just let it be, and that’s all I can do. Of course, I don’t want you to take this as some weird thing where I’ve “given up on myself and my self worth” or anything like that.

I wake up, go to work, eat and sleep just like the rest of the world. I do things I enjoy, listen to music I enjoy, write about things I feel and try to be a decent human being. I can do all of these things now without feeling as bitter as I once did, without holding this ‘resentment’ over my head like it was a personality trait. I don’t resent you, I don’t think I ever did. I just didn’t know how to process my emotions in a way that I understood them.

But now I do, and now I can let things be. Everything else still has to go on, and so do I. It’s not a streamlined process, but I’d certainly like to think that I’m getting there. That’s enough for now.