"The Reflection"

The mirror showed a reflection that wasn't my own. Well not as I see myself any ways. This reflection was hagard and pale with eyes that had a permanent haze glossing over them. Around the eyes the skin, swollen like little pillows the eyes might rest upon. Those pillows held a dark tint setting them aside from the paleness of the face. The face as a whole appeared to be swollen as if someone had blown a balloon up tightly then let out just enough air to allow some slack. The lips dipped down at the corners presenting a permanent frown, they appeaared as if they were burdened with a deep sadness that comes from being lonely for too many years. And the hair that framed this face hung thin and limp, dull, and withered as if it should be on a well loved but set aside doll in a child's toy box.

I stepped back as if the reflection threatened to cause me bodily harm, all the while denying that this could be my reflection. It took me some time before I gathered enough courage to stand at the mirror again. And when I did, I gazed into the same reflection, only this time the reflection gazed back at me with an accusing look that begged me to deny! Deny that every bad choice, every heart I had broken, every promise I never kept, every obligation I shrugged off or left for another, every call I never returned, and every good and honest gesture made towards me that I had left without any thanks had made it's home on this haggard face gazing back at me.

I longed to turn and see one of my children before me with open arms, arms that longed to hold me and comfort me. But that was not to be, I did not have children, I had made a conscience choice not to burden myself with all the responsability of raising children. I chose not to risk ruining my figure carrying children. Besides I would have had to settle for one man and the temptation of the others would have been to great. And my career of course my career was far more important, needing my full attention. Yes all of this was far more important than having children.

Oh I had, had a husband or two throughout the years. these always seemed to be expendable relationships to me. I had divorced my first husband three short years into our marriage, you see he desired to have a family and thought I would change my mind with time and I knew that would never be, so rather than expend energy I needed elsewere I ended the relationship.

Instedad I moved on to vacation in some of the most beautiful locations on this earth and stay in the most elaborate lodgings where I was waited upon and my every need anticipated and met. Being the fashionista I was I had worn the most esquisite clothing created by designers who are recognised world wide. I had driven the best cars and sailed on the most desired yahts and drank the very best aged wine, how is it then that I gaze into a reflection that is a blank slate!

No matter how many times I shook my head or rubbed my eyes the reflection remained the same. As hard as it was I needed to accept this as me. Yes, it had come to this. Nothing I had experienced in my life was significant now, all the belongings I aquired and places I had visited, basically held no value. I had no memories I had shared with loved ones to look fondly back on. All my memories seem insignificant to me now. Now, I stand with nothing but a house full of expensive items and several luxury cars. When I consider the cost of all of this, it holds no value.

I have no one to leave all that I have aquired, no one to will my saving be devided among. When I pass I will pass, leaving nothing that records I was here. My grief is deep and it shows on my face. As if the image will speak back to me I ask "how could you have been so consumed with having it all that you would miss having anything?" I did not like the answer. I had been self indulgent, better than everyone, and I wanted it all so much that I didn't share with anyone. And this was were it had gotten me! No amount of recognition or material items could fill the gaping hole in my being. I was spiritually empty and it showed on my face. Why did it take me all these years to realize what is important in life. There is no way that I can recover any of the years and it saddens my soul.

I return to gaze at my reflection one more time. Some how in finding acceptance of the face that now gazes back at me it no longer holds an accusatory look and I find it not so frightening and evasive. I accept that this is what it has come to. I have no one to blame than myself. Therefore I receive all that it is to be me. As I retire to my bed I hope that even one of you who may read this realize there is no horror scarrier than waisting what precious time we have here.

Live your best life, but what is a best life if lived alone? Live your best life with others you have created great loving memories with and you will have lived life to the fullest! And when you look at your reflection you will recognize clearly that it is you as you will re-live every adventure and loving moment that shows on your face!