The real me shined through during homelessness

Never have I experienced anything as bad as homelessness. It’s worse than you can imagine.

Police chase you off if you try to rest somewhere. Businesses don’t let you use their restrooms. In fact, there almost are no restrooms for people experiencing homelessness in Denver. Public restrooms often are closed.

People beat you up for no reason. I was cold cocked by a drag queen on the 16th Street Free Mall Ride.

In the winter months, you could really freeze to death. I remember one night I slept on the cold concrete in 9-degree weather. I slept under a light rail bridge on Broadway.

Another night I slept down by the river during a snowstorm. I didn’t even have a tarp to cover with. There was no place else for me to go.

The time I considered suicide

I considered suicide during homelessness. The suffering at times was too great to bear.

But my authentic self would not allow me to commit suicide. My authentic self took over during homelessness in many ways, even though I was suffering from untreated mental illness.

I became obsessed with two things: God and my work, even though I wasn’t being paid for my work at the time.

I never had even a nickel. I refused to panhandle as my pride is too great. That’s another example of the real me winning over during homelessness.

Finding purpose in writing

As a journalist, I always thrived on the collecting and disseminating of information. During homelessness I was no different.

I penned a blog during homeless called “That Denver Homeless Guy.” I have since taken it down.

I wrote the blog because it gave me purpose. Every day I had a reason to go the library and draft a story about homelessness in Denver.

I didn’t shy away from controversy. I reported on everything from police brutality to the things some people will do for a place to rest.

In authoring my stories, I always felt better after I aired my grievances. Blogging helped a lot to lower my anger level.

I was incredibly angry during homelessness. During homelessness, being called every name in the book, not having anywhere to go to the bathroom, and feeling unsafe most of the time, caused me to lose it daily.

When all else fails, pray

When I didn’t know what else to do – such as the time I was down by the river in a snowstorm – I would pray.

I prayed the night by the river because I had begun to think about jumping off a freeway overpass. I had no friends, no family, no personal effects, no blanket, no tarp, and no reason to live, so I thought. Would I really take my life?

Obviously, I didn’t, and it’s because I never lost faith in God. I passionately believed that things would get better someday because God would not let me suffer. And by God, things did get better.

That faith in God instilled at such an early age and such a big part of me saved my life.

Bipolar disorder, PTSD wreaked havoc

Eventually I ended up in jail after a skirmish with police. From there I was taken to the state mental hospital in Pueblo. There I received treatment for my bipolar disorder and PTSD.

I was released from the mental hospital into housing for the formerly homeless.

I look at myself today and what my values are and realize I’m a better person than I ever thought. The real me doesn’t care about wealth, although for years I pursued it.

The real me doesn’t care about money. I have learned to get by on a modest income. For years I worked in newspaper newsroom management roles. I made good money, but I was miserable.

My make-believe broadcasting career

Now, more than ever, I find inspiration for life from sharing my stories. Here’s a funny story where my authentic self shined through.

Ever since I was a tot, I loved the "Today" show. Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbel brought me the news every morning and I thought there were no journalists more credible.

Through the years I have maintained my fondness for "Today." So, when I became homeless, completely mentally ill, and delusional, I would wander Denver’s streets, shouting:

“From NBC News … this is … Today! With Savanna Guthrie. Hoda Kotb. And David Heitz. Live! From Studio 1A in Rockefeller Plaza….”

People loved it. At least they smiled at me instead of scowling at me.

A sense of humor always has been a part of my authentic self. If you can’t smile, that’s when you’ve really got problems.