The People Pleaser's Guide to Setting Boundaries

For a big chunk of my life, I struggled with healthy boundaries.

Mainly because I had no idea what they looked like.

I grew up in an abusive house and was quickly dismissed and punished for asking what I wanted or needed.

For anyone who has grown up in an abusive home, you probably know what I am talking about.

I quickly learned that my boundaries weren’t respected. I lived in fear of the consequences if I stood up for myself.

Because I was sexually abused by my father, I was afraid he would hurt me.

If I tried to defend myself, I was name-called.

I was criticized and told I would be nothing in the world.

I was blamed and accused for instigating his sexual attraction to me.

According to him, it was my fault for his sexual advances. In his mind, his 13-year-old daughter provoked him to be sexually attracted to me.

So I struggled big time with boundaries.

The boundaries I desperately wanted weren’t respected.

And so when it came for me to go out in the world, I had no clue what boundaries looked like.

Saying “NO” wasn't safe for me.

I became a people pleaser until I became resentful of being a people pleaser, and then I exploded.

My boundaries were passive aggressive.

I scared people because I was unstable.

I had no idea how to be in a healthy personal relationship with myself or anyone else.

My brain was merely trying to protect me from experiencing the past again.

I was afraid to be taken advantage of, manipulated, attacked, or harassed.

It is common for us trauma survivors to become people pleasers and empaths.

We take on more than we can handle or need to from others.

This is a survival technique we try on and keep.

It is terrifying to say NO. It is new to speak up for yourself and create personal space.

But I promise, it doesn’t have to be hard.

The moment you begin to exercise your right to personal space and take care of your needs, there is freedom.

There is liberation.

Those who love you will understand and will respect your space.

You become yourself. You begin to live a real life.

Here are some tools I learned in my process of setting boundaries:

1. Pause before speaking. Literally take a moment and let that person know you need a sec to think about it. This practice of taking space gives you an opportunity to check in with what you need before operating from a place of autopilot.
2. Check in with your body. If you feel yourself naturally contracting, your shoulders hunching, anxiety in your chest; listen. That’s your body trying to communicate exactly what you need, which is also an indication that you may need time before giving an answer.
3. Decline. Decline and let go of explanation. A friend invites you out to an event, but you want to focus on a personal project. For a people pleaser, declining can be hard. A simple, “I can’t today, but thanks for thinking of me,” is perfect.
4. Let go of explanations. Oftentimes when we say NO, we want to explain ourselves or WHY. Try to practice saying NO without having to explain yourself. See what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised that it is easier than you thought.
5. Give yourself a pep talk or an affirmative statement. This statement can be a reminder of what you need without feeling bad or shaming yourself. This statement can be, “I am honoring my boundaries and practicing self-respect.”

Saying no is a practice. Setting boundaries is a practice.

It is like any other skill.

It has to be learned and practiced for us to realize it is okay to exercise what we need and want without hurting ourselves or someone else.

It can be gentle and kind with firmness.

Trust your intuition. Listen to your body and let your voice be heard. You deserve it.