The Not So Secret of Finding your Soulmate

“Dreams do come true,” I said sarcastically, as I heard someone mentioning how they finally found their soulmate.

Growing up, I always assumed soulmates were something out of a fairytale. It felt like fiction; something written for Cinderella. Honestly, the idea of a soulmate was super cringe. I think the key thing I didn’t like about it was the fact that you can never feel complete without that specific person. I’m not a religious person, but I recall stories about Adam and Eve and how Eve was formed from a part of Adam’s liver. God created Eve so that Adam would have companionship. She was created for Adam, which I suppose would make her his soulmate. I didn’t like the idea of being created for someone specifically, so I always dismissed the idea of a soulmate.

I’m certainly not the only one who found the term soulmate to be controversial. “If you’re stuck on the notion of soulmates, you could feel this void throughout your single years. Feeling like you need someone to complete you is a horrible way to approach dating and relationship because it comes from a place of need,” said relationship psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, P.H.D.

This was, of course, before my “spiritual journey”, as I call it. It was before I realized what having a soulmate really meant. The same person who told me that they finally found their soulmate told me that this soulmate wasn’t a romantic partner, but a best friend. It got me questioning what a soulmate even is. According to the web, a soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust.

The idea of a soulmate possibly being a best friend prompted me into doing a bit more research on the subject. I found some information that I never really took into consideration. The different types of soulmates. Romantic soulmate, soul partner, karmic soulmate, companion soulmate, kindred soulmate, soul contract, and twin flame. I also uncovered the secret in finding said soulmate and a not so secret that is often overlooked. But before I get into that, I want to take a look at the elements of each kind of soulmate.

Romantic Soulmate: This type of soulmate was what I always found super cringe. It felt more like a fairytale than a reality. Romantic soulmates have the capacity to bring to one another the heights of physical and emotional pleasure. They ignite one another’s passions, supporting each other’s highest self and deepest desires for spiritual growth.

Soul Partner: A person you haven’t seen in years but once you reunite it feels like no time has passed. I often wondered if I had a soul partner. Regularly, I’ll think about my childhood best friend. Somehow during the 5th grade, after I moved, we lost contact. But for the 4 ½ years of our friendship we were practically joined at the hip.

Looking back at those times, she wasn’t the best influence on my life. She was extremely selfish and self centered; if I got just a little bit more attention than her, she would throw a fit. She also found joy in stealing from convenience stores, and would often steal from me claiming items as her own. I remember a time that I had a pair of purple safety scissors that I kept in my pencil box at school. In black sharpie I had my name written on it. One day, it went missing, but then suddenly she had the same pair of scissors. I told her those were mine, and she denied it, claiming them as her own. However, I saw the black sharpie marks on the scissors which were poorly rubbed off. That’s how I knew they were mine and that she was lying. I never did get those scissors back.

Once I moved, we tried to keep in touch for a bit. She would call me often and we’d talk for hours on the phone. Overtime she would call me less and less before stopping altogether. I suppose I could have called her too, but I never did. I often wonder where she’s at now and if she’s doing okay. It also makes me wonder if she is my soul partner. We could somehow be reunited later in life.

Karmic Soulmate: This doesn’t require love or intimacy, but relies on putting your best selves forward to achieve something that matters. I always wanted to believe that we are alive for a reason. A karmic soulmate would typically have that same or similar reason for being here. Your skills compliment one another and you are both meant to make a difference in the world. Joined together, nothing could stand in your way.

Companion Soulmate: The type of soulmate that I know for certain I have is a companion Soulmate. It’s the kind of friendship that is an essential part of our lifetime journey. They help us laugh when we are in pain, and nurture when we are suffering. They never abandon when they are angry and vice versa.

Kindred Soulmate: When two people share the same journey towards truth and love. You love the same things, laugh at the same jokes. You agree and disagree with love and affection. Competition without bitterness or jealousy.

I thought I had someone like this. For a long time we were inseparable. We always joked about how we were practically the same person. It was actually because of her that I began this spiritual journey. I always thought we were somehow part of the same soul cluster. That may still be true, but it also turns out we were much more different than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with differing from one another. However, our differences turned into a bitterness that came between us and now we no longer speak. We went from talking every day for the last few years, to being strangers in the passing.

Soul Contract: A common commitment to speak the truth that binds you. To be emotionally open with one another and own up to deceits. Being authentic to yourselves and each other.

An example of a soul contract would be a married couple where one spouse cheats but they stay together. Not for the kids or for their public image, but because there’s a deep law of attraction within pulling them together.

Twin Flame: Also known as the Mirror Soul because it reflects your deepest insecurities, fears and shadows. However, they also help you overcome them and vice versa. Most consider this different from a soulmate because unlike a soulmate, a twin flame is two people who share the same soul. One soul that gets split into two bodies forming a tense spiritual and loving connection.

One of my favorite spiritual authors, Shannon Kaiser, had said, “A soul mate changes who you are by bringing you closer to your true self. Soul mates have contracted to be together, and they don’t always mean romantic love. You can have soul mates that are friends, pets, and family members, etc.”

At this point you might ask, “Kellie, what is the secret and not so secret, you mentioned earlier, of finding your soulmate?”

I’ll start with the not so secret of finding your soulmate.

The not so secret is: You don’t.

You don’t find your soulmate. You can research and read many articles on the web, read books, and watch different programs on the television. But when it comes down to it, you don’t search for your soulmate. Your soulmate will come to you when and if the timing is right. Dedicating your life to finding this specific person isn’t much of a life at all. In fact, it’s actually kind of sad when you think about it.

The secret is: Find the soulmate within yourself.

Honestly, that’s the hard part. That’s something I’m trying to work on currently. You can never truly welcome a companion if you can’t love yourself. Inside your human mind and your human body, you have an entire soul that comprises thoughts, feelings, and emotions. So often our souls go ignored, and it causes different mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety. We are so afraid of being rejected from others, when in fact we are the ones rejecting ourselves. We are the ones that tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough, or funny enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, and so on.

We talk so badly to ourselves that it discourages us from putting ourselves out there. How can you expect anyone to love you if you can’t even love you? If you think you aren’t pretty enough, then how can you expect someone else to think you are pretty enough. That’s not meant to sound harsh, but it’s the bold truth. If you can’t tell yourself that you love yourself, how could you expect someone else to do so. You’ll spend the whole relationship questioning why they are with you and questioning their motives. People dedicate their lives to finding their soulmates because they want to feel that deep connection and find that person who was meant for them. They spend so much time finding that specific person, and often failing at finding them, they completely miss the life and opportunities going on around them.

As my final thought I’m going to say that it’s true that soulmates aren’t exactly a fairytale. I believe they exist outside of a fiction world. However, I don’t believe they are something you can just search for and find. In order to find your soulmate and live the life you dream of, you need to start with finding the soulmate within yourself. Be your own soulmate. Love your core self; discover the things that make you tick and cherish all those details. The best thing you can remember is that a soulmate may not even be a potential spouse/romance. Your soulmate could be a friend, a partner in crime, even a pet. So don’t waste your time trying to find them when the only soulmate that truly matters is yourself. Spend time finding yourself and the rest will happen naturally.