The Lies I Never Told You.

As my mind raced while walking into the building I live in; my gaze wondered to your window and there, plastering the walls was maintenance.

I fought with the want to go and say hello to the maintenance guy in your old apartment, I struggled with the reality that this confirmed, you really left.

My heart was not strong enough to keep me standing if I did go in the apartment; enclosed walls that have witness so much hurt, so much passion, so much darkness.

I went home and opened my laptop and here, I found myself writing for the first time in months, I found myself crying, barely able to read my typing but the fire I felt in my core needed an out; and so I wrote about the lies I never told you.

On my yoga mat, The Sunday after a 6 day vacation, I found myself eager to stretch my body, to welcome, balance, to welcome healing; I've cried a million times since I last saw you, a billion and one since the last text and still I have not talked about you, I've not screamed how I did today.

I closed my door and as soon as my back hit the wall I melted into a scream, the deepest scream I've heard, the most painful tears I've cried over love. I felt disoriented, as I got up, I looked around feeling empty, feeling light headed.

I learned a new yoga pose, the frog pose, homework was to do the frog at home on our bed for the next week; the pose was simple, google it, however the emotional flood that came with it was unexpected but oh so needed.

I've talked myself out of texting/calling you a trillion times, I cry every time, the last time was the Friday before vacation, I was so excited I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you that I wish you were here, I wish that this time apart was not taking so much out of me, I wanted to tell you that I got a promotion at work and I was starting a new position in September; I wanted to say I love you, and I miss you.

I spent the better half of the day at the storage unit, getting back to school ready, getting uniforms and supplies organized, coming back from that is when I saw Raul at your window, where your desk was, where I saw you playing live so many times, I could draw that corner by memory only if I needed to.

I was mad; but I can't hold you accountable for my feelings, I can't be angry that you didn't feel the same, you voiced it often, I just wasn't listening.

I was busy loving you the wrong way, expecting you to understand me, when I didn't even understand myself and in all fairness, you taught me that love is only a reflection of self.

So I prayed that Texas treat you well, that it gifts you a new pot to grow out your roots and that it is everything you ever wanted, I prayed that the visionary in you finally trust himself to walk the journey of healing, and that he finds peace. I prayed that your heart be loved, that your hands be held and that your eyes see beauty in everything you've experienced. I prayed that Universe keep you safe and that it provides for you, always.

Please go to the beach for me, and say hi to the Sun, I'll feel it here in loud NY.

XOXO

Lucinet Luna