Our Love...Then My love.

Unconsciously, I was waiting for her to move on, that's the truth; I struggled with the thought of making anything official on my part and potentially hurting her again.

Hurting her was never part of the plan, matter of a fact, I went into marriage with the 'this is forever' mentality, I am not sure where that changed, I am not sure what made me decide that divorce was part of my journey here.

I would never deny the love and happiness our marriage brought to my life; it didn't only make me a mother, it also made me way more responsible that I'd like to admit. Having someone handle everything for you, is great until is not, I had to learned from scratch what it was like to have some sort of financial independence, coming from a household of my mother working double sometimes triple time just to make rent, marked me.

My marriage was never balanced, but it was exactly what I needed, to be welcomed into a family so tight that at times it was a problem, to be loved so deeply, to be supported in every phase of our young years. I am forever thankful that even to this day, I can count on my father-in-law, I can count on my brother-in-law and I can most certainly count on the mother of my babies.

She gave me everything, from the moment we met, to the moment I walked away, she would've given me her life if I would've asked for it; that is not a stretch, the love we shared was unconditionally and even today, I can only speak on my feelings, I love her unconditionally.

I heard the words coming out of her mouth as a smile played on her lips " I am in love " I would be lying if I sit here and say my eyes did not water, they did, and my heart hugged itself, my elephant screaming "now you can" and my mind opening the ever lasting folder of memories we share. I felt released for the first time since I understood that our path was no longer together. I felt relief to know that her heart was safe, that she found what I desperately wanted.

At times I feel broken, as if love forgot me, as if I am no longer eligible for the butterflies, for the commitment; most days, I crave a hug, a cuddle while watching a movie when we both fall asleep in the beginning. Hell at times, I wish someone other than my dog was happy that I made it home, that I was blessed enough to get the devil off my back; sometimes I wish love was not a tinted window I look out of, holding back tears, feeling like the left out kid watching others play in the playground.

I am happy for her, I truly am, her words awoke something that has been asleep for so long that I forgot what it felt like to hear; hearing seniors talk about their love story, is different from hearing the one you went to war with say she made it out and found safety again; I am still in war zone, am I going to survive this?

I started writing this at 5:17 am, is now 5:30 pm , I was just face to face with someone I get too nervous to speak, to stare, to be smart around, someone I've been begging to love me back for months now, someone I extended my arms for and was left with air between them. I keep thinking, we both loved hard, we both gave our best for 9 years, we created the most amazing human beings on this planet, could it be possible we are both going to be blessed enough to find that again?

I am beautiful, funny, smart, creative, out going, independent, determine, successful.. I am lovable, I am warm, I am emotionally available; am I going to ever be loved again?

XOXO

Lucy