The Journey Home To Me

Home used to be about going home after a long day, weeks, months on the road . One day lights are green , I’m flowing and grinding working hard and moving mountains ! Suddenly the light turns red and nothing is what it was . I’m in total shock of how fast my world has crumbled as I lay here broken with numerous injuries asking why this had to happen ! At first it feels like punishment as I watch all the pieces that were carefully placed together to build this life I had imagined fall apart, one by one , piece by piece , bit by bit till there is nothing left ! I am a shell a broken one at that stripped of everything ! Fear , anxiety and confusion are what I’m left with . You assume being a good person would mean protection from such TRAUMA ... Wrong! ...First thing I learned is to let go of my EXPECTATIONS on how life is supposed to go . As I wander down this dark and twisted path of enlightenment you start understanding exactly why this had to happen ! For me I was a well programmed and refined machine , the poster child of a female driver . Strong and confident with allot of respect from my fellow comrades . Up at 3.30 Am 70 hour clock time to go move some mountains ! In just one second reduced to a broken pile on my sofa sobbing wondering where I went wrong and how do I fix this ! Truth is you can’t fix this , you aren’t supposed to ! This is THE GROWTH PROCESS , once you take a deep look inside yourself you learn there’s reasons you ended up here . Let’s start with expectations, the world does not exist in perfection . Yes you could be doing everything right and still lose it all . There’s always lessons to be learned , things taken for granted , holding on to things or people that may no longer be serving your good or well being , fear , afraid to take chances .

For months I laid here bitter feeling robbed of all my glory and hard earned efforts it felt like such a cruel and harsh punishment . What’s left is that I’m still here where I once felt like I was going to die . How do I start over , where do I even begin ? So much pain for months my mind spun like the wheels on my tractor . I suddenly started little by little day by day understanding why my life needed to change as I laid here living out all my fears in real life watching my life play out like a lifetime movie . I started to have a fear of everything . Fear of losing ,fear of failing, fear of of being imperfect , fear of letting go, even fear of what’s next . I am left with so many questions and zero answers ! DETACHMENT ... watching everything and everyone leave me as swiftly as it all came ! Was it even my life ? Who was that person ? One day your unstoppable unbreakable on top of the world the next it’s (ground zero ) your starting over !

THE SHIFT ... from this point I decide to “flip the switch” . I decided for my mental protection in order to move forward I needed to forgive . Forgive the person that caused this , forgive myself for whatever mistakes of the past that are still hindering my progress ! MAKING PEACE .. by making peace with my situation “it is what it is “ , now I’m accepting where I am . There’s allot of work to be done here and this isn’t going to be easy . My path was changed for many reasons looking back I understand it all clearly now. MINDSET ... atlas that light that gets switched on in your mind! Now your acting instead of reacting to situations , your hearing as well as listening, your feeling and appreciating each day instead of just going through motions like that well refined machine filled with expectations of a false life ! Little by little day by day you get pieces of you back just by living in the now, free from your past because now you’ve released it , it no longer serves you . Now I understand how much I was living the past dwelling, letting past experiences dictate my life . In a sense it hardened me .

It’s been a year , I’m still not exactly where I was , I’m kind of glad , I found a beautiful new spark in life , I realized I was missing so much and giving so much I didn’t know when and where to stop ! This is where fate stepped in . Mighty little trucker lady independent and fearless got the biggest downgrade of all! To start over... Baby steps , first to get back up on that horse I developed a little plan to get my strength back I chose to use DoorDash yes I know laugh ... I even do ! Everyday I’ve been building up my body strength physically as well as improving my mind, head injuries are scary . This helped with improving memory remembering addresses, keeping orders straight , easiest routes, keeping my driving edge just dealing with daily traffic situations. There is always a mental stigma after being involved in any accident . Even just part time every bit helped serve a purpose in this grand scheme of progress I’m making .

PATIENCE ... this is where I’m at today . I’m not fully healed nor am I back to where I was . Through all this I learned I actually like people and find it more rewarding on a personal level to do this kind of driving job ! No shame in my game , doing what makes me happy . I’m walking with more confidence and faith these days starting over yes... but this time I’m armed with wisdom as well as an abundance of life lessons ! I am me but stronger , I am me but wiser , I am me but kinder , I am me but softer . The biggest lesson here was SELF LOVE ... it’s ok to fail , it’s ok to be defeated, it’s ok to be lost, it’s ok to be broken , it’s ok to be down . Sit with it , own it , this is the now not your final destination . It’s not ok to give up , set some boundaries , take care of yourself , learn to say no, lose people , detach from things , stop killing yourself for success , sometimes letting go is all you can do ! Now I see I am worthy of all my efforts even if I fail, I promise to get up .... here I am full circle ! Not where I was that was yesterday , Today is now and for right now I am home I am me !