The Journey

I have reached a very interesting point in my life. It's not the most fun, nor the most productive in the moment (perhaps in the future I'll look back and disagree with myself), but I think it'll be for the best in the long run. In fact, currently, it's very painful a large portion of the time, and often I'd much rather distract myself and not deal with it. But it is time to face and accept it, and I know that distractions, and pretending it's not there will just make it harder, and prolong the inevitable. What is this thing I speak of? It's my search for self.No, I'm not going through a mid-life crisis, I'm a few years too young for that. I'm truly just on a search to find myself. Or maybe a better way to describe it would be, "I'm on a quest to build myself." I do know who I am. But at the same time, I'm striving to find who I will decide to be. I have lots of aspirations, lots of abilities, lots of weaknesses, lots I want to learn, lots I want to be. My personality is such that I want to do everything, and go everywhere, and be everything for everybody. And I've come to the harsh reality that it's physically impossible to do that. I've realized two words to be true that I hate saying more than anything: I can't.I suffer from an ailment that is specifically created to both cause me the most torture, and yet mold and chisel me into the best I can be (I'm a type 5 on the enneagram chart—but that's a story for another day). And actually, you have it too. It's the inability to do everything. My mother expertly expressed it by teaching my sister and I this little nugget of wisdom: When you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to something else. This can be seen in situations where you already have a fully booked day, but somebody reaches out and wants/needs you, and you now have to decide between declining them, or cancelling a previously decided commitment. Or on the other side of the spectrum, it can be seen when you're very spent physically, mentally, emotionally, and are in the midst of resting when you suddenly think of something that could, should, *needs* to be done, and you have to decide between taking care of your needs, or doing the thing that randomly popped into your head, threatening to destroy any hope of self-recovery in the near future. I can't tell you the number of times when I've mourned the fact that I don't have a personal assistant telling me I'm overbooked, or who can tell others that I'm unavailable, or someone who can basically just solve my problems, or who can be a buffer and hide me from the fact that I can't do everything. Which would definitely be just running from my problems at this point (nothing against personal assistants—absolutely invaluable in many cases, and if I truly needed one, and had the financial margin for it, I wouldn't be against hiring one!).I considered (and even typed up) a sampling of the cycles of thoughts that go through my brain 24/7 to share with you, but decided against it, as it would be too long, and probably lose the interest of most readers. Suffice to say, I have a lot of thoughts, and things I'm thinking through with various levels of importance and urgency, and I'm often overwhelmed, and left at a loss to know what I need to focus on at one point of time versus another point in time, and what needs to get done or addressed first. If only everything could be done and worked through, all at the same time. If only the YouTube channel could be established, the camera chosen and purchased, and the sound equipment figured out. If only the puppy could be in the new apartment, and working on potty and crate training. If only all family and friends could have attention already given, and would be the happiest and most satisfied that they could possibly be. If only I could say yes to everything, and never say no. If only... I could do and be everything.I am on a journey. A journey to accept. A journey to learn. A journey to discover. A journey to build. A journey to become. Because I am not all-powerful. I am not omniscient. I am not very far in my journey—I still struggle to be okay with the things I cannot do. I still don't know what my balance in life will be. I don't know who I'll decide to be tomorrow, or next week, next month, next year. But I know who I am. I know that I love people. I love my husband, my friends, my families. I love my puppy (who I haven't even met yet!). I love makeup, and writing, and making videos. I love helping others, and being involved. I like being social and active in society, and yet, I also like that I'm introverted. I like calmness, and being quiet. I like passion, and loudness, and seeing. I love dark colors, and I love light colors. I love to be the tortoise, and I love to be the hare. And honestly, I love variety. And I know that one day, someday I will find my balance, and I will decide what parts of myself I will chose to be more, and what parts of me I will chose to be less. But I also know that even when I find my balance, I will still be on my journey. Because this is also a journey of life. New obstacles come into the road all the time, and new factors, new developments, new advances, and new opportunities, new victories, and new mountains. The journey never ends... but honestly, that's the beauty of it. Just because now I'm in a bit of pain, fighting to accept my limitations, while simultaneously trying to fight to do everything I possibly can, I know that this journey has joyful and peaceful parts, just as much as it has hard times like now. It has plenty of twists and turns, and I'm sure there will be parts harder than this, as well as times that will be happier than I've ever experienced before! So right now, the thought that I'm going to chose to focus on today, is to accept the journey, enjoy the journey, and savor the journey. And to realize that tomorrow I'll be further along in my journey than I am today—I am making progress, and I strive to always make progress, and to keep learning. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day, and I can't wait to continue my journey.