The institution of marriage...

I am tired and not really stoked on this wedding based on the previous night's bullshit between myself, my man-child of a boyfriend and the groom needing a place to crash last minute. "I just wanted to help a friend"... last I checked "friends" don't impose on one another especially when there is no emergency and you don't want to drive to the marina or pay for a hotel.

And honestly who the fuck doesn't know he isn't allowed to stay the night beforehand? Why did this discussion not happen between bride and groom before 11:00pm the night OF? If you have read the other articles you're catching my underlying disturbance with this whole situation. I have had the wonderful gift of recovery for almost 5 years and just now really starting to stretch my legs and wings so to speak. I am asking for my needs to be met and my sobriety to be protected by those that say they love me, if I don't feel good around yo or your energy I will not be around yo, simple as that. Except that it's not.

My boyfriend is just "waking-up" to the fact that these "friendships" maybe are not as healthy or beneficial for him as he once believed and I am the "Bad guy" for lifting the veil. Being the truthful one of the group has also turned me into a social pariah, and he suffers for it. He has been fearful of letting them go because of the unknown. I understand, this man has shared things with me that he's never told his friends, we've cried over the loss of his dog and healed parts of his psyche he didn't know were affecting us. To say that we have grown together is an understatement.

I have always been a reader and love learning about new subjects, so once I got sober my love of books returned full force. Since then I have spent many day and not much money on discovering treasures in the way of pages and stories. Information is my new drug, knowledge and wisdom my goal, if it is interesting I want to know more about it. That involves crystals, astrology, tarot, anything spiritual, sacred geometry, philosophy, mind/body connection, Native American herbalism, religious texts, etc. A handful of my interests over the last year, not including the documentaries on music, gardening, expanding consciousness and meditation.

Being and focusing on becoming the best version of this human form is my daily goal. I do my best not to judge, everyone has their own "devil" bringing them down internally, I need not add to that energy. So my goal is kindness and compassion, you want it in the world you must first put that energy out! That is my responsibility on this Earth, grow and do better than yesterday. Raise the collective vibration by letting go of the behavioral patterns that lower your vibration, anger, frustration, ridicule, separateness, skepticism, and comparison. Easier said than done sometimes especially when the weight of responsibility lies on the shoulders on the awakened individual.

Sometimes I want to let "old" me out, but then I remember I don't look good in orange. That being said, I have played nice and dealt with these people long enough and have put my foot down. I will not be around those drain my energy, nor will I entertain people who cannot or will not put my recovery before the wants of their so-called friends that see it as a hinderance. Sucks for them because being sober I can fully be my authentic self and not hide from the world. I live in the sun but I cherish my dark side, I accept my flaws and I love the scars, I love my "checkered" past; what I've survived you couldn't imagine, so yeah I will protect my sanity at all costs, even if that means this current relationship. Ah, weddings, did I cry? Yes I did, but not for the reason you're thinking.