The FAT Bitch

You know how us women do when we play; how we play. It's ALWAYS competition. It seems as if we are competitive with eachother by nature even. Especially when two women are in love with the same man.

Sometimes, we are able to shield the tears behind fake smiles and other pleasantries. Other times, we are straight out rude and bitter. Hateful, obsessive and even verbally abusive. In some cases, physically aggressive even. Oh, yes and there's the jealousy. The ole green-eyed monster that gets the very best of us whenever we feel threatened or feel that someone else has a tight clutch on the heart of the man we love.

Here's the thing: I was a 15 year old, gorgeous brown skinned girl. I had the body of a woman! Slim, but curvaceously splendid in all the right places. I learned at an early age that no one hates a black girl who's cute and funny.

And I was virginal. Yes, I was a real virgin (never even been kissed) who still had my hymen in tact.

His name was Rasheed Watson. With Jamaican and Chinese roots, he could have easily been a model. Had this rudeboy giving up the cigars and Hennessy, I could easily see him tearing up the stage on a high fashion runway. And the best part, he was in love with me. Yes, he was truly in love. Pure and non-sexual it was literally something out of a story book romance; kind of like Romeo and Juliet. And this is true.

Almost every night, Rasheed came to my bedroom window with multi-colored roses in hand. Careful to keep quiet to avoid the wrath of my over-protective, strict and aggressive father (in the event we were caught). But to Rasheed, it was all worth it just to have another kiss of my sensual lips. The lips of the girl he loves. Of course, it is teenage stuff, the question arises, you know, the question: "When are you going to let me stroke it?" Translation: When can we have sex?

But even though we didn't actually have sex, Rasheed's affection never changed. He didn't "front" in front of his friends; he held me and kissed me often, letting them know I was his and his only. He was smart enough and strong enough to be a real man.

"I love you!" he said.

"I love you, too," I said. And trust me, I did. I really did. And what I loved most was that Rasheed was that he was willing to wait for me. Sex would happen when and only when I was ready. To him, I was worth the wait. And I loved him for that. He loved me for real, not only for my virginity and/or sexual innocence nor for my coca cola- shaped figure. He loved me for me.

Here's was the problem: every other young, pretty faced, weed-smoking bad boy on the block loved me too. So how can I choose? How can I be sure the grass is not greener in another garden? I mean yeah Rasheed loves me, but so does Mike, Kurt, Devin, Sean, Kevin with the "coolie" looking curly hair, Robbie with The North Face backpack and Chris- the nerdy boy with glasses who sat in the back of the class whispering the answers to the test. They were all mesmerized by me as well. I did not know which one to choose.

Thats when I met Becky; Becky a white girl with the bad hair. She was bubbly; enormously cute and friendly. And she approached me with a message.

"Hi, I'm Becky. Rasheed's friend. You know he is so in love with you, right?" She asked me.

"Hi, what's your name again?" I asked.

"I'm Becky and I wanted to tell you that Rasheed talks about you all the time," she said.

"Really? Well, what is he saying?" I asked.

"Oh, just that he loves you and that you are so pretty. And he's not sure if you love him back," she said.

This bought a rare smile to my face, then I looked at her strangely.

"I'm one of his best friends," she said as if she could read the question in my mind. The question: "How do YOU know all this?"

Jokingly, I asked her, "Well, am I as beautiful as he described?"

She nodded, "Yes."

*******

So what happened? I ended the relationship with Rasheed. He was heart broken but found the strength to go on with his life.

*******

College in Atlanta A.K.A "soul food heaven" kicked my ass in a major way. Actually, all the smothered liver and onions, candied yams, collard greens, fried chicken, and newly introduced freaking patty melts added about 200lbs+ to my ass. I no longer resembled a coca-cola shaped bottle, but more like a trash bag full of garbage.

*******

Fast Foward: 25 years. I'm still big. Okay let me not sugar coat this: I'm still fat, still fat but I still have that "bomb face." But things have certainly changed. Men are not "drooling" over me as they once did. It's harder to buy clothes, I'm always out of breath, I constanly fear getting sick, and to make matters worse, I'm always eating. I cry alot. Don't get me wrong, some days are good. My confidence levels are at a high. But all it takes to bring me back to reality is for someone or something to remind me that I am nothing but a laughing stock. A whale. A hippo, an elephant. And thats what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I'm talking about this one time, I got into a heated argument with a close friend. We always fought as some friends do. But this time it was different. This time her words cut deep. Real deep....she called me, "A fat bitch!" I was devastated. I was so devastated that I am no longer friends with her.

Rasheed popped in my notifications as a friend request. Oh, Rasheed, Rasheed. Of course I accept! Rasheed is now in a relationship with Becky and she just gave birth to their first child. A beautiful baby girl.

I complemented that his baby was beautiful, he thanked me and we both went our seperate ways.

*******

Rasheed and Becky have broken up. She left him... Irreconcilable differences, I bet. After two more failed relationships on his end, Rasheed and I are back together. Yes, he courted me. And things are great between us. And of course this is when Becky realizes she loves and wants him back too. Now that I have him back, there is no way I'm letting him go. And we have had several conversations about it. At the end of the day, its all about the child's best interest we are trying to protect. The three of us had to find a way to get along for the sake of this innocent child.

I understand they have children together and must maintain a relationship; so yeah, I'm pretty much stuck with Becky as long as I'm Rasheed's woman.

"I could have both of you. Even at the same time....," Rasheed jokes. As if he is scheming.

I give him a look of death, "I'm kidding, you're the girl I want. The woman I'm supposed to be with, " he assured me. "I love you."

Yeah, thats right. It was never about anything superficial before with Rasheed so why would it be about "looks" now? Is that what real love is all about? Of course not.

I have personality. Personality keeps. A man can only love you for your virtue. What's in our heart is what matters. I am kind to people for the most part and I love God. I'm a college graduate and successful career woman. I work at CNN as a writer. My job is great. And yes, at 250lbs I'm cute as hell and funny as shit. This is me. It has always been me. I'm more than okay with that. I'm fierce...you see I still have the heart of the man I love. No variable can come between that. Why should it? Right!

"I told you, I'm the one to choose," he said.

"I wish I knew back then," I said.

"It all happens for a reason. I'm grateful for every experience," he said.

"Me too," I said.

"Marry me," he asked.

"Yes," I said.

With this guy by my side, I can move mountains, we can make the blind see, the sick get well.....Hell, Oprah didn't change the world when she was slim and fit did she? She changed the world when she was fat.