The Dark Zone

So here I am again, lost. Have i been lost this whole time? My whole life, with just moments of clarity? It’s become a joke now that I am reevaluating my life on a weekly basis. It no longer feels like growth, it just feels like frustration and exhaustion. I know my impatience plays a part in this, but c’mon! What am i missing, what am I not seeing? Every time I think I get it, shit just gets flipped, turned, eliminated, added to; I feel like I don’t know how to keep up.

Now that the world is shifting, I am afraid I’ll be late or even get into the wrong seat. I am feeling this incredible urgency and I don’t know how to calm myself down because I sometimes feel like I don’t know what I want. How can I move if I don’t know what direction to move towards? I know, just move and the answers will come. But I did that for so long in my life; just let life happened to me, and where have I ended up? An unfulfilling job, a few thousand dollars to my name, living with my mother in a 2-bedroom apartment. I don’t feel like I have anything to call my own.

Damn! I know I should be grateful, and deep down I am. But on the surface, I am unhappy. I am admitting it! I’m not sugar coating it or trying to keep up appearances. For who? No one can change my life but me. The first step is recognizing it, now what? Here is where I keep getting stuck in life. The practicality, the logistics, the SMART goals. The real question is, what do I really want? I keep asking myself that, but I thought I’ve answered it 10 times over. It’s not the material that I am seeking, it’s the deeper. But our environment does play a part in dictating who we are and what we do. I feel like I have been a whiner about my environment; not having my own space, time, things that are expressive of Nicole.

When I do want those things, part of me feels selfish. In some ways, I know I am not of this world, so why want worldly things? That is my ego speaking, not my spirit. My ego wants those things because I don’t want to worry about washing a dish the moment I am done using it. I don’t want to have to announce my whereabouts and give a specific time of when I would be returning home. I simply don’t want to, if I don’t feel like it because someone else wants to in that same moment.

I have yet to become a full individual. This is what I am fighting for. Not having to worry about expectations or being perceived in a certain way. I have not mastered that yet, but at the same time, what opportunities am I being given? I feel like I’m trapped sometimes and the more time passes, I question my ability and capability of freedom. So many times, I’ve wanted to run away, but where would I go? Not that I am actually in this situation but, it’s like I have become so dependent on my abductor, that I don’t have enough faith that I can live on my own.

I want to stand tall and confident in myself, but those around me do not have that same belief that I can do it. They throw their doubts and nays at me trying to keep me safe and unexposed. But that is not living. It has only been through my mistakes and struggles that I have even begun to open my eyes to myself and even partially act as an observer in this human life.

But, am I doing it wrong, am I missing something, am I not as far along as I should be??? The voice of the ultimate worrier. We are not all playing the same “game of life”.

My dream is:

To never have to worry where I will get money from;

Not worry about where or how I will eat;

Not worry about my health;

Play with puppies and babies;

Swim in a pool or lake;

Travel to exotic tropical places;

Use my skills to help others;

Have a sanctuary of my own filled with plants, flowers, sunshine, beautiful scents and a place of healing and rejuvenation;

Have my own love reciprocated

The one thing I remember always saying and wanting when I was a kid was, I just want to be happy. I’ve been trying ever since, like it was a destination. But I don’t know if happiness is a constant or just moments? What happens when I get to go to that place, or meet that person, or do those things? Will I be happy then, or still unsatisfied? Is the true goal happiness or experience?

I keep being shown by the Universe that I need to do things on my own. Not because I am meant to be alone, rather because I need to recognize and stand in my power. My whole life, I have needed and craved a buddy, a partner, a co-, to do things with, so that I am not alone. It’s like the one thing I always wanted has eluded me my whole life. Friends have their own lives, relationships have failed, siblings have moved away, and I can’t be mommy’s little girl my whole life. So I guess, that leaves me, myself and I.

In these moments writing this, I have realized that my personal goals have been misplaced. I haven’t been trying to be a better me for myself, but for acceptance, growth and prosperity in our current society. I am not trying to climb any ladders, be a CEO, or win a prize or accolade, or even gain recognition for whatever it is that I do. Yes, it is important to have money in order to live, but I do not need to be a billionaire, or even a millionaire. Media we are exposed to warps our minds without realizing, even when you do recognize what it is attempting to do.

So what are my personal goals to make me a better me than I was even an hour ago? First off, quit worrying so much.

I’d like to read more, just for the joy of reading; not because it’ll teach me about the “next big thing”;

I’d like to learn to play the piano, because I like the way it sounds;

I’d like to be more active and physical because I have at least another 40-50 years left in this body and I would like to get around on my own.

I’m not throwing the towel in, but I am having my trust that the Universe will show me the rest as long as I am starting somewhere for myself.