Teenage journal

There’s a time in life when we all are young, enjoying the sun and the small features of life that surround us. We didn’t stress, we didn’t have any worries because we were too young to understand those parts of life.

Before I go any further I am going to just say that no one prepares us for the tough times that lie ahead and well I sure wasn’t prepared for those changes as the years went by.

At the start I remember waking up every morning with the light and heat through my window and a big smile knowing I had nothing to worry about. I would plan the days travelling and going out with friends or even just going to school to see friends as we all did.

As days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and months turn into years we step into a different world not only on the outside but on the inside blindfolded like standing in the middle of a tightrope.

Growing up is scary, you’re new to everything and you can’t ask advice from those who are older because no one is ever the same, everyone is different, everyone goes through different and everyone feels different.

At some stage we are going to discover new events, new feelings, we will uncover truth that was unknown to us within ourselves and others and it isn’t easy. It isn’t just smiles and rainbows like we were all told, it isn’t Romeo and Juliet when we learn to love.

You will tremble and fall when you are trying to jump onto a new stepping stone and there will be times when you feel like giving up, where you feel like a disappointment, when you don’t feel good enough and trust me you must not give up.

Going to school you learn useful skills and different pathways into your future jobs which don’t get me wrong is an important part of life,

but you know what they don’t teach you or prepare you for?

They don’t prepare you for the hurt and pain you will go through that comes along such as relationships, feelings and survival.

When you leave school you will walk out into reality as a new born without any warning or knowledge of the real world. The world can be a nasty place, it can be cruel and you have to learn how to get through it otherwise you will not survive.

Time changes, the world changes. Life as a kid was outside with the fluffy grass between our toes and the smell of the nature whilst we were swinging through the air on the wooden planks held up by rope.

Life as a kid now at that age is going out loving someone even though you are clueless of the word love, drinking such poisons in our system like they are the new bottle tops and lighting matches, stealing and hurting others like it is a game of tag.

Sometimes I stop and look at the world around me and I find it hard to see any good at all, that is when I realise I am truly on my own surrounded by a wicked game that I don’t understand why I have to play.

I was sixteen when I had my first proper love.

He felt like he was a spark of good, the spark of good that I struggled to find no matter where I searched. I had discovered so many emotions, I explored so many new adventures and I knew that he was the one.

A year went by I felt that good spark start to fade away from him, that was from him though, not me and I believed in him. I believed in what my heart was telling me because every time I looked into his eyes I could see that those sparks where still in him, I still felt comfort from him.

I tried, I believed but that wasn’t good enough. I lost him, he left me and I felt that half of me that believed there was good in the world exit my soul into the cold. As I once said you will discover new emotions and falls when you enter reality and this is where I discovered how terrified, how lost and how gone I was.

The insides of me still feel empty and I am still yet to find another good spark somewhere.

I’m giving up hope of searching for something because I believe is all lost.

Deep inside I ask myself why me, why do I have to go through this, is there something wrong with me?

So many times I have thought of ending everything but what would that achieve and what would that say about me?

I want to be the good in the world that is so hard to find, if I leave that would disappear and I can’t leave knowing that the evil has won. This world and the life on it might not deserve me from how cruel it is but I don’t deserve to be weak and to give up so easily.

It took me just over year a to actually come out with the truth and speak up to my friends and family about the abuse and the markings that were now visible. I stayed repeatedly hoping for change because I was in love but I didn’t receive the same amount of love back.

Truth be told it took a lot out of me to have that positive mindset after feeling so betrayed and worthless, I was left by myself reminded of the good times that were now memories. I told myself I was a fool for trying and after wasting so many tears on such an event that I wasn’t prepared for that mentally destroyed me when it came to moving on, to trusting, to even feel comfortable with those around me.