Stuck

On September 2, 2021, I turned 35 years old. In my mind, this should be the perfect age where I have it all together--great career, a family of my own and a nice house to share with my husband. Unfortunately, this is not the case. For the last 3 years, I've been struggling with my mental health. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression by my primary doctor and therapist. I'll start at the beginning.

It all started in January of 2018. First, I ended a long-term relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I spent 8 years with him, waiting to see what would happen as far as a future for us. He had no interest in taking it any further than where it was. I was devastated and it was one of the hardest decisions I ever made in my life. I didn't relaize it at first, but this was the start of my mental health struggles.

In February, I got back together with my high-school boyfriend, who is now my husband. Even though we are happy now, I knew I should have waited to get into another relationship so soon after my last breakup. It was a whirlwind romance. We were just so happy to be back together after being broken up for so many years. We were engaged and married within 8 months.

At the beginning of March, my paternal grandmother passed away. This was a big blow for myself and my family, especially for my grandfather. They were married for 53 years and he had no idea what he was going to do without her. At first, I was going to stay in my hometown of Warren, Ohio, to help take care of him (which I still feel guilty about), but I was offered a job in Sandusky, Ohio, where my then-fiance was already living. My grandfather gave me his blessing, telling me that it was time for me to have a life of my own. I was reluctant to leave him because our relationship went beyond grandfather and granddaughter. He was a father to me, as he helped raise me growing up.

October was the month that sent my mental health into a downward spiral. I was very stressed out planning my wedding during this time. I had to change my bridal party 3 times because no one could agree on anything that I wanted. Needless to say, the last and final change to my bridal party was finalized a day before the wedding. One week before the wedding, I got a call around 5:00 in the morning. It was my dad and he told me that my grandfather had passed away. I screamed, cried and was completely hysterical. My heart snapped and broke into a million pieces that day. At my grandfather's funeral, which was a few days later, I spoke about how wonderful he was to me and how close we were. It took everything in me not to lose control while speaking, but somehow I had the strength to hold it together. Even though I was grieving the loss of my grandfather, my husband and I were married on October 27th. I went through with it because I knew that was what he would have wanted. At the wedding, we set some roses in the front row seats for mine and my husband's grandparents who passed away. It was a wonderful way to honor their memories and it felt as if they were there with us.

Now, here we are in the present. I have since been under the care of my primary doctor and my therapist for my mental health. They are both very helpful, but I still struggle everyday. I have a new job as a receptionist, but it's only a temp job and I'm unhappy. I thought it would have been permanent by now. I even applied to get hired in, but I guess it's not meant to be. Everyday, I deal with rude people over the phone and in person because they need assistance with various program my job has, such as rental assistance and utility bills. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep because this is not the way I pictured my life being. I did get back in school online, but I took a couple weeks off because even that was stressing me out. My husband is away at Bible college in Columbus, Ohio, currently. He has classes during the week and comes back to Sandusky on the weekends. So far, the arrangement is working for us, but the loneliness sets in and it worsens the symptoms of my anxiety and depression. I hate feeling stuck like this. I constantly wonder when things will improve and if my mental health struggles will just be something I'm forced to deal with. I try my best to not let my mental health get the best of me. I know that I'm stronger than these feelings and I'll continue to do what I need to do to get better.