Stagnant Relationship

In one of my sessions, I asked the coachee, “Describe your relationship in singular words and also some emotions relating to the same.” His response-“Stagnant, anxious, same old, same old, arguing, irritated, disconnected, confused.” Imagine my surprise at the realization that not a single positive emotion was used. My next question, “what was it like six years ago when you two decided to share your lives with each other?” The look on his face sprang to that of a child who had just received his long desired puppy as a birthday gift. “Oh then, then she was vibrant and happy go lucky, spontaneous, fun to be around. We shared so many hobbies and were constantly exploring new ideas like pottery or theatre.”

So! What changed?

From stimulated to stagnant, content to confused, intimate to irritated---what happened? With a distant look on his face, he replied-“I don’t know”. Does all this sound too familiar to you as well? If you just answered ‘yes’, then the million dollar question for all of you out there is,” what are you doing about it?” Are you looking forward to continue as if this is the norm and “all is well” or do you intend to do something about it, just not very sure as to what? Also, did you consider the fact that maybe you have changed too and she is of a similar opinion about you?

At least you realize!!!

If your answer to my last question is “what can I do, its normal after a certain period to time to grow distant, let it continue as it is”, you might as well discontinue reading further lest you find it a waste of your time. For all others, congratulations!!! You realize that it is ok to drift apart over time ,but you are willing to do something about it. That is part of the “mission accomplished”.

After a particular period of time mostly all relationships are bound to become mundane and luster less. It’s natural. But it does not have to remain that way. That is a choice.

So all those of you who are still reading ----think about this …

Have you considered that there is a possibility that your better half is thinking the same as you are and undergoing the same phase as you are? Irrespective of the fact that she is a working professional or not, the feeling might be mutual and she faces the same dilemmas and hesitations as you do.

Lack of communication is the single most deadly ‘relationship killer’. Not referring to the day to day conversations about general topics. Pointing towards genuine heart felt conversations that were once the prime reason you chose her and she chose you. Remember when your friend asked you, “why her?” and you so confidently said, “because I can talk to her, she understands me. With her I do not have to pretend, I can just be me.” She is still there, maybe waiting for YOU to make the effort to start a conversation again. Maybe she is not starting the same because she does not know how you feel, how you will react, what your next response might be. You seem to have lost touch with her and her emotions. Start there…

In case of arguments too… communicate. Do not let it go unresolved. You might think that by not addressing it you are avoiding an argument or heartache, but the truth is that if left unresolved for longer period of time, it will escalate into something much bigger and will start including in itself other issues that were not even a part of the original argument!!!

What activities did you enjoy earlier? Re-visit them…

You mentioned you had common hobbies---what happened to those hobbies? Concerts, theatre, pottery, cycling, trekking, swimming , exercise –what did you enjoy doing together? Plan a surprise activity around any such hobby to touch base with the bond that you shared. Her reaction to your plans and gestures that you are making will tell you so much about your relationship status.

Make your relationship your priority…

Do not be a weekend spouse or partner or someone who cares only on special occasions or during the festive/holiday season. If the relationship is stagnant because it has lost spark (and not because it has lost love) make it unpredictable. Add small surprises, focus on the smaller things before attempting any major moves. Plan a dinner or a getaway for just the two of you (no kids, no friends, no family allowed).

Don’t overwhelm the relationship…

If you are not quite sure about how to initiate, start with five to ten minutes a day—a morning tea together or breakfast (without your cellphone of course). In the morning you can ask about her plan for the day or at the end of the day show interest in her day was. (Even if she is a housewife). If you think that getting up five to ten minutes earlier will give you that alone time with her, go for it.

Auto-Pilot Mode …

Stop living your life on an auto pilot mode—it is not a constant or long term mode to be in - be more inclusive in your relations, be more forth coming, communicative, honest and open. Just a heartfelt compliment will go a long way to start with. Small steps will help in making your love flourish and in reviving the relationship. Be more hands on----but remember, BABY STEPS.