Speech Fears to Parliament Cheers

Listen to Podcast

Read Transcript

When I was a kid, I used to hate public speaking. In the school system I grew up in, we would have to do a speech every year. I used to be so scared of saying my speech because I wasn’t confident in what I had written — I didn’t believe that I was a good student, that I was smart. I was scared for other students, for my classmates and my teacher to hear my crappy work basically and then also I just didn’t have a lot of friends growing up - I was bullied a lot. I didn’t come from a great home life. So that doesn’t really create a space where you can be confident in yourself and feel good around others. I always felt like people were judging me and, you know, to a point, that was my reality, it was happening with bullying and stuff. I dreaded speech time and my speeches would always be so bad, not creative, not well researched. I just didn’t really understand the point of speeches and the art of writing. When you’re always in like fight or flight, survival mode it’s hard to let your creativity show and know just how to tap into your own mind and world.

It wasn’t until probably around my first year of college, I was asked to speak at Parliament. So if you’re not from Canada, Parliament is like, I think probably the equivalent of the White House? Or, I don’t know, do they call it like, the Capitol Building? Or Congress? Or something. I’m not a politics person but it’s basically the Canadian version of the White House I guess. Except the prime minister doesn’t live there but that’s where everything federal happens I think. So anyways, I was asked to speak there at a Youth Mental Health Roundtable. I’m not sure who runs it but the National Initiative for Eating Disorders was there. There were some other agencies. I was asked by Boys and Girls Clubs’ of Canada though. I have a lot of experience with Boys and Girls Clubs through my hometown. They really helped me when I moved out of home as a teenager and they helped me grow and access the supports I needed. They just were a big big big part of my life and I wouldn’t be alive today without them. I’m not really sure what went on behind the scenes to then be asked to speak at this event by Boys and Girls’ Clubs of Canada But yeah. And I think there were Members of Parliament and media and whatnot.

This event was basically to bring awareness to the issue of rising mental health problems among youth in Canada — or maybe Ontario. To bring awareness in hopes of creating a plan to put systems in place to address this problem. That’s my take or at least from what I can remember. That was back in 2014. It’s kind of hard for me to remember exactly all the ins and outs, especially because I had Electroconvulsive Therapy this year — I feel like a lot of memory, it’s just poof gone. It’s weird for me to say that and think about it and put that into words. But, just everything’s kind of blurry. So I was asked to speak at Parliament. And for some reason I said yes. I was this girl who has low self esteem, is not confident in my abilities to write a speech, let alone say a speech, and then to have it focused around my own experience, where I was. And how Boys and Girls Club helped me to become the person I am today. I was to speak about my story basically and the struggles I went through and how I got through it. So that in itself is this big, big thing to wrap your mind around. And then to, just have the fear of public speaking, and just generalized anxiety on top of that. I don’t know how I did it, but yeah. That event actually was, I think the catalyst for my growth and I think just steering me in the direction of wanting to pursue a career in social services, and also to be on the lookout for volunteer opportunities to share my story more. That experience just boosted my confidence so so much.

I remember standing there in front of a podium, looking out to this big audience of such intimidating people. Like I’m literally nineteen, just graduated from high school, only a month into college. And I’m looking out to this crowd of probably like fifty to a hundred people in business suits. And, they’re just such important people. Like I’m coming from this low income, high school student living on my own, literally at one point stole toilet paper from Tim Hortons’ bathroom because I couldn’t afford toilet paper. And then I’m around all these super important people and they’re at the height of their careers and there’s cameras and microphones. I just remember, trying to focus on where I was in my speech. Staring at the speech and looking out to the audience and saying these words, but I felt so out of body, somehow. I became this other person. In the moment I, became this confident,, tapped into my own experience person where I was able to to convey so much emotion and confidence and just really share my story in a way that — the idealized version I had of the audience just felt so far removed from what my experience was. But somehow, I was able to, capture their attention and capture their their focus. And, at the end of this speech, I just remember looking up, and people crying, and everyone stood up and was clapping for me. And I didn’t believe it.

How could this audience of people who don’t even know me and like — I was just telling just reading off of what I wrote, but I guess I was somehow able to get across my story in a way that made people care and connect as human beings. I’m at a loss for words trying to explain it right now but I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment. I remember almost crying myself, watching other people cry at, just my story. It’s just what I went through. I didn’t understand in the moment, how people could cry over what happened to me and my growth and the fact that I went through all these struggles and made it through. That was probably one of the top ten amazing moments that I have experienced in my life. That opportunity really set the stage for my future career pursuits. And because of this experience, I felt so confident in my ability to speak to others and to inspire others. And also reach people who are struggling with similar things that I did and, plant that seed in their mind of — ‘maybe I can ask for help’ or ‘maybe things will get better for me’. ‘Maybe I can get through this’, and ‘maybe there is a future for myself’. Those are things that I wish I had when I was going through my teenage years I think that was one of my main goals when I started speaking in a volunteer capacity. That was kind of the reason why I pursued more.

I don’t even know how, but I found out about a program called “Talk About Mental Illness” or “TAMI”, t a m i, through Public Health. They had public health nurses who would go around to high schools along with a volunteer speaker with a mental illness. The public health nurse would start a presentation with, sometimes it’s the whole school and sometimes it’s just a drama club; it varied between sizes of audience and whatnot. The public health nurse had a PowerPoint presentation where she would go through what mental health is, versus what mental illness is, and the fact that everyone has mental health just as everyone has physical health. They would talk about stigma, stereotyping, myths, and facts. And they would do just like a summary of the most common categories of mental illness. And then they would talk about resources and where you can go for support. Then it was the time for the volunteer to speak about their struggles that they went through with their mental illness and perhaps are still going through. And how they’ve gotten through it, and how they’re coping with the struggles.

So I started talking at high schools with the program and everywhere I went, there was, always one person in the audience that you’d see crying and end up leaving the room. I remember the last speech I participated in before I left the program, for a drama club. There was one girl, and when I was talking about my eating disorder, I was talking about how being fully consumed with like food noise thoughts — I don’t know how else to describe it — like the deep darkness that anorexia consumes your thoughts in your mind and your whole world, and it just becomes the only part of your world that is, number one killing you. And, the worst thing in your life. But number two, it’s the only thing you have to hold on to. And nothing else matters. Literally nothing else matters. So I was talking about that and she got up and was crying and she left the room. She came up to me after and she thanked me for my speech and she said that she was struggling with an eating disorder as well. And, she was already connected with the school counselor but. That’s the only time I’ve actually talked to, one of the audience members after the speech,, especially one of the audience members who were upset and left the room, and it just felt so powerful. I was so glad to hear that my story was having an impact on someone.

And, you might say that I’m making people cry and face their traumas. I think that’s not really what’s happening, That person is upset because they relate. They relate to me. And I just put myself in their shoes. And if was the person in the audience hearing speeches like this, I would probably cry as well and it would be because I’m hearing this speaker be so vulnerable about an issue that I’m currently dealing with. And maybe I never thought that was possible to make it through struggles like anorexia. Maybe I never thought it was possible that someone else had these very vulnerable,, and like darkness inside them in their minds the way that I do. And maybe…maybe I feel just the tiniest bit less shame around it. And maybe this is something that might inspire me to reach out for help or talk to someone about And therefore, just get more support and feel more supported. So I don’t think talking about these things makes people worse. Talking about eating disorders doesn’t make someone magically have an eating disorder or it doesn’t make someone go kill themselves. I think that’s a big myth when it comes to mental illness but that’s not how that works. If anything, talking about these things make people feel more comfortable reaching out for help, and feeling like maybe they’re not alone.

So I digress, but. I’m so thankful that I had this experience, this opportunity to speak at Parliament and speak at high schools about my story. I feel like I don’t have as low of self esteem anymore. And I still obviously struggle with my health problems, but it’s not the same as it was before. I don’t feel like people are constantly judging me and I don’t think I’m judging myself as much either. I feel this big weight that’s off your shoulders when you’re not always worried about what other people think about you. And you’re just okay being yourself. It’s like you can finally just take a deep breath and relax for a minute. And just, focus on what you’re doing at the time. Focus on getting your story out there and getting your point across.

I would challenge anyone who has a fear of public speaking to get over that fear by doing more of it. Look for volunteer opportunities out there like the one that was in the town I was living in. Look for opportunities to join a debate club. I don’t know. There’s spoken word poetry which is so cool. I would seek out opportunities to practice speaking in public. Even making videos like what I’m doing right now. Just hearing yourself speak and knowing that this is going to the internet where millions of people have the potential to view what you’re saying is a little bit similar, in certain aspects, to actually speaking in person in front of people. And it could be a first step. Even if it’s thirty seconds. Or even if you don’t end up posting it. Just recording and listening to yourself, you can learn and improve so much. And, I think that’s such a valuable experience. And being able to tell your story, — I know I keep saying tell your story. But being able to tell your story and make that connection with even just one other person is very rewarding. I think it’s healing and it’s just part of the human experience that we’re kind of getting away from. We start to lose that sense of community that we once had when we were kids. Seek out opportunities to improve.

Alright. I’m gonna leave that here. My point has gone from a million other points on the map. I think maybe we came full circle, but…yeah. Until next time…

Before you go

Originally posted November 5, 2023 on Medium: https://medium.com/@applicablestickables/speech-fears-to-parliament-cheers-c178ef35132c

Follow me on Medium here

Read more stories on Vocal here

Consider subscribing if you liked this podcast! <3