Specifically Random Thoughts on 2018

Sitting down and looking at my phone screen is weird, since I can barely use my phone to text people back within an appropriate time. But I wanted to take this opportunity to share my feelings about random and specific things and conclude this brief, but important chapter called 2018.

The first thought that comes to me is that I’m happy with the progress I’ve made with myself this year. Sharing music has been one the most frustrating processes that I’ve gone through, but it’s also been one of the most rewarding things that I’ve done. I only have myself to blame on the point of frustration, because I really thought that all a person had to do was drop a track and mind their own business. I wrote "Gimme" in the beginning of the year, during a rush of sexual freedom that ultimately led to a lot of insecurities about my body and my sexuality. The recording process began in the spring and concluded in late August, where I passed through three part-time jobs and moved into an apartment for the first time. I think gaining 20 pounds during the process only made my insecurity-demon stronger and the lonely moments were so much longer, since most of my friends were out of the country.

The second random thought is that the only way to improve and see results is actually doing the work... but between having a job, trying to maintain a respectable GPA in uni, breaking my back to lose weight and avoiding a depressive episode…I struggled to find the time. BUT, I pushed on to find the time and record. Recording this song with Matt was amazing because I was truly lucky to have someone who believed in what I was doing, but more importantly, I’ve made a friend who is pushing me to become a better musician, lyricist, and artist to this day.

Releasing "Gimme" was a reward because I got to share a piece of myself, but honestly speaking, I was expecting a miracle to happen. I wanted to get 10 thousand streams by the grace of the internet and I’m barely at 900 right now; I wanted the people who I saw as inspirations to take me seriously and I wanted to make new friends with the same interests I had. It was a jarring wake up call, but I realised how much work it actually takes to be a fully fleshed person online—not just a 2D face on a screen. Looking at my peers, who have been doing this for much longer than me, has taught me that consistency and integrity is a necessity…and for that I am grateful.

I’ve learned that my anger and disappointment is not something I should be ashamed of—or that being envious of someone else’s accomplishments is what separates the achievers (them) from the spectators (me).

I’ve also realised that I don’t desperately need people to relate to me, and I don’t need to be a lyrical genius and I definitely should not center my goals around being “seen.” This year, I’ve grown fond of my own memories and the eye-opening moments that I’ve experienced, so trying to impress people by singing to their hearts without even feeling my own pulse seems pointless now.

A personal goal of mine is becoming a better human through acts of honesty. I want to make a fool out of myself and find value in the act and I want to say things that are hurtful and then be held accountable for my insensitivity. Basically: I want to value the process more than the outcome of my journey.

I’ve also learned to not take things personally or too seriously, because that is indulgent of self-importance (the biggest time waster)—as opposed to self-worth and respect. My main priority is to live a dignified life. Greatness, for me at this point, is improving my craft, dedicating my life to living, making smart choices about the future and also taking risks that will end with me crying.

Lastly: I don’t have to have an opinion on everything and I definitely don’t have to be the smartest person in the room! It's exhausting always having something to prove to other people, who are going think I’m a dumbass regardless of what books I can reference and how eloquently I can discuss academic topics. Besides, most times, the greatest gift a person can have is being able to listen and learn from others…then we’ll come to find that everyone in the room is a dumbass.

Thank you for reading my TedTalk. I look forward to the coming years of friendship and headaches, and most importantly, I look forward to singing about dicks, money, gender, race, heartbreak, and violence!

I wish good health and open hearts to the friends I have and the friends I have yet to make.