Self Love Is Not For The Faint of Heart

Self love is not a journey for the faint of heart. Many (including myself) falsely believed that it would be smooth sailing after embarking on this journey. Boy, was I wrong. These few years have been difficult to say the least. I’ve been locked in intense battle with my fiercest critic, my biggest bully, my biggest hater — myself. But it isn’t all doom and gloom. I’ve seen so much growth and change in my life that the old version of myself has begun to wither away slowly into the background. Here are some signs that you are on the right path in your journey of self love even if it doesn’t always feel like rainbows and butterflies.

1. Self Care

Self care, self care, self care. I need a loudspeaker for this one. I remember a time in my life when survival was my main goal. All I knew was that I needed to get from point A to point B and make it the day. Self care was the last thing on my mind. It didn’t matter the clothes I wore, my hairdo and makeup…gosh no. It really took a lot of self discovery (and bullying…in adulthood) to begin having some pride in the way I looked. It saddens me when I look back on how poorly I would regard my appearance, but never again. However, my self care doesn’t involve fifty things that I must do to be socially accepted. I’ve been intentional about the simple things that build confidence within myself. I take better care of my hygiene, I dress better, I eat better and I spend time with those who build me. Take a wild guess on how all of that feels. You guessed it, it sure as hell feels great!

2. Healthier Environments

You will never be healthy in an unhealthy environment . Being surrounded by the wrong people my whole life. Even the most neurotypical person will exhibit signs of mental illness in poisonous environments. It’s hard breaking from environments that you’ve known your whole life. It’s beneficial but oftentimes heartbreaking. Think of the matrix. You have two choices:

1. You stay where you are, surrounded by those you know but you’ll never know or love your true self.

2. You choose to know and love your true self at the risk of losing everything you’re familiar with.

It’s easy to put yourself on the back burner because who wants to be alone, right? But the truth is, no matter which choice you make, you’ll still be alone. The moment you begin choosing healthier environments for the sake of your well-being, you are giving yourself the love you deserve.

3. Setting goals

Coming out of survival mode feels the same way as coming out of a dark cave in which you’ve been trapped for months or even years. You see the sun again for the first time and it is almost blinding. You have to learn to see the light again. It’s the same way in which you have to learn to live again after coming out of survival mode. Fight, flight and freeze is slowly replaced by calm, peace and belonging. Apathy is now replaced with a hope for the future. You suddenly have the urge to become adventurous. You now have a vision of what you want life to be like and you start planning ahead to make it happen. But setting goals sometimes requires you to take giant leaps of faith. You set yourself up for the possibility of failure — which is scary. But what if you don’t fail? What if it works out? The truth is, you’ll never know the answer ahead of time. But now, unlike the past, you’re willing to take the risk on yourself. You’re willing to see the possibility of good things happening for you. And if you fail, so be it, there are many ways to try again.

4. Making space for relationships

No more hiding behind walls. No more pushing people away. You now love yourself and slowly you start to believe that others can love you too. I know it’s scary to trust, believe me. I used to think of myself as a porcupine. Whenever anyone would get too close, my defenses would shoot right up. Of course that did a lot of good to keep away untrustworthy people but likewise it robbed me from connecting with a lot of beautiful souls. I’ve come a long way in separating people based on who they are and how they treat me. I no longer place everyone in the same box, thinking everyone has the same intention of coming out to get me. There’s a special beauty in life when you meet new people that go deeper than the surface with you. Make space in your heart for those people.

5. Faith takes its place

This may look different for everyone but as a Christian I’ve had to depend on my faith now more than ever. When I first started coming back to Christ, I thought faith would be easier. But it’s slow and agonizing. I thought it would be easy to love myself just as Christ loves me. Hearing it over and over again didn’t automatically make it feel true to me. And that’s where grace comes in. I’ve had to learn to give myself grace in the moments where I feel unworthy. I’ve had to convince myself that I deserve love even when I don’t feel like it. I had to stop being my own bully. My soul is kind, my soul is beautiful and so is yours. Embrace the amazing person you were designed to be.