Sandra Cole (Taylor's Version)

It was during the pandemic when I discovered Taylor Swift

- no, it really wasn't, but it truly felt like it! -

I heard her notes, her voice, her lyrics of self-care,

My memory brought back images of the slight, blonde singer who'd made tides in the music scene,

then disappeared,

then came back saying Look what you made me do!

And I remembered feeling sad for her,

remembering her talent and her light,

and wondering what had made her turn to anger and revenge.

I remembered thinking that was not her style,

that she was better back when she was bright,

that the darkness was not for her to climb into,

that her shining soul needed a chance to come back to us all...

And then I realised how much misogyny I had internalised!

Let me elaborate:

I'm chronically in the dark,

a by-product of unhinged brain chemistry and bad choices I still don't know if I'll overcome,

And my vision of what a female role model should look like is an ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on us

(Ouch!)

But listening (and crying) to Exile I realised I had been stuck in the New-Age false belief that for someone to be truly good in life they had to be forever happy, love & light, looking like success and shining like a star

- and there's nothing wrong with that, if there's a balance with the dark side, the pain and growth and evolution we must go through -

And then I learned, as she sang me Mirrorball,

that her growth had been of that very kind,

that she needed to go through that darkness to come back shining bright, bejeweled, fierce - and that her dark was just as wonderful as her light -

and I simply understood why I'd looked away that time.

Back then I didn't want to acknowledge that what was done to her was as painful as much of what was done to me

- albeit in an international stage, in the eyes of the whole world watching, not in simpler grounds like me -

and then I understood that I had looked away because how dare another woman be more popular than me?

My petty jealousy wouldn't even touch her or make her squirm, but I was undone by the fact of knowing that a career like hers could indeed be done

(for me not so much in singing but in acting and modelling, but still)

and I couldn't believe that a woman could indeed use her beauty and sexuality without compromising her true self

(and boy, was I jealous that it could be be done!)

So I didn't pay attention when Kan(Ye) did that to her, or his wife supported him every step of the way, or when hordes of fans turned their backs on Taylor then,

But I noticed afterwards, when I savoured every lyric I could find,

and I cherished every song with the bittersweet acknowledgement that I had missed all the release dates of Lover, Rep and maybe half of 1989

(but my memory does not remember 1989, the year, so maybe that's a sign?)

In any case, what happened then was how I reconciled with myself!

I had already come out, accepting that I had not been able to accept my bisexuality because of my tendency to think that no woman could be the focus of my love, simply because I could not love myself

(deep breath)

but oh, how much I learned during the pandemic years!

- about myself, about my wife, about Taylor and about so-called friends -

And Taylor led me gently, through her songs, along a path where I reconnected with myself, made new friends, and strengthened my relationships with those who had stayed,

but most of all, I got to find my truest self,

for that, I shall always be grateful to her!

Though Folklore and Evermore, Midnights and every re-record,

she gave us reason to believe that we could move through the chaos,

that we could regain ourselves and become bigger than we ever were!

She gave so many of us the chance to see ourselves in our own mess, in our potential and our ability to heal regrets.

She spoke so candidly in Miss Americana about her eating disorder and her missing self-esteem,

and the reasons behind it left many watchers flabbergasted, many horrified

(and many still in willful ignorance, go figure!)

but all the fans surrounded her and propped her back her into position in the light!

If she can grow, then so can we!

If she can heal, then so can we!

If she can sing with love and purity after all the pain she felt,

then so can we!

- give or take a few singing lessons, if needs be -

There is still so much that I could write about Taylor Swift,

maybe at some point I will,

maybe I will get the inspiration soon for it,

but at least I want to leave this words of genuine admiration to her who lifted us all up!

And though I don't know if I even still have the chance to get to where I want to be,

if my goals can ever still be reached,

or if I can ever even make the whole room shimmer,

I write my appreciation for the songstress who unbeknownst to her, helped me find my true identity in the arts as well!

Thanks you, Taylor, may you always vibe with Karma just like you do now!