Rising star in the making

I had every reason to start 2021 feeling empty, lonely and most of all, hopeless. I spent Christmas in isolation because of testing positive for Covid, my grandmother passed just before we welcomed the new year and for the first time in my life I lived 2000 kilometers away from my family and friends, all of which lead me to anxiety and inner turmoil. Looks bad, does it not? Well, like Nietzsche said, one must have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star.

Exactly at midnight, 1st of January 2021, I started my shift at a rowdy hostel reception in London, hoping I wouldn't have to deal with too many drunk customers. Luck was on my side and I was able to ponder about the recent year in solitude. I decided to look past the evil persona that 2020 had put on show and see if I could find something to look back at fondly. And so it happened that last year I made my biggest dream come true which is that I moved to London, got my drivers license after months of panicking, and surprised myself by spontaneously getting a tattoo. Even after all the heartbreak and misery I endured, acknowledging my accomplishments made me realize how freaking courageous I am.

You know those people who make resolutions every year to eat better, exercise more, watch less television and read more books, finally wear the style they like seeing on others, take steps to follow their passions and just overall believe that doing these ubiquitous intentions will finally make them fulfilled and successful? Yeah, I am one of them. However, 2020 finally made me realize that if I want to escape this perpetual cycle, I have to transform my mind into accordance of the person I truly long to be. I cannot create new habits if my mind is programmed to follow the old version of me. This is not to say to completely abandon taking action towards my dreams, but I became aware that all this time I had either been doing it for others or I just could not imagine myself succeeding in reality.

That is why this year I promise to look after myself, be grateful for what I have and give up attachments to outcomes, people and most importantly, the past. The truth is, I am never going to be happy if I think that happiness relies on external sources, is a certain body weight or is waiting for me in the future. No, I already have everything within me to enjoy life and only by accepting myself today will I attract more amazing adventures, because discovering my own magic and being comfortable with it will in turn make me a better person to be around. A healthy mind will result in a healthy appearance and in blooming relationships.

So, I am done criticizing my every mistake, I am tired of thinking only a certain body weight is beautiful, and I have had enough of searching for love. I forgive me for putting so much pressure on myself over the years and not appreciating my functioning body, deep loving heart, passion for dance, an amazing best friend, wonderful parents, a roof over my head and everything that has lead me to the present. Letting go of limiting beliefs is going to take some time, I am aware of that, this requires persistence like any other goal, yet for the first time I feel like my intentions are pure and I am starting a new chapter in my life by listening to my instincts, having faith in myself and learning how to nourish my inner child, thus shifting my mindset into harmony with my ideal self-image.

I am going to accept the accrescent storm inside of me and slowly but surely release a dancing star.