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Reset Your Life

*%#@!~`^<!

By Gerard DiLeoPublished about a year ago 3 min read
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Reset Your Life
Photo by Alin Andersen on Unsplash

[RESET YOUR PASSORD]

It had been a bad day. There were only two guys in the 110# weight class on the wrestling team--me and the state champion of that weight division, Joe White. Throughout the afternoon, five times, the coach had pointed to me and to White. "Hit the mat, you two."

Five times I hit the mat instantly. Five times the coach said, "Run a set up the bleachers." Now I'm peeing brown.

[NEW PASSWORD: WhiteCanEatMyBrownP]

It had been a bad day. Mr. Orbis, my English teacher had closed the door on me as I ran for the classroom door, one minute late for the exam. This would make the difference in a whole letter grade, B to A. I considered my GPA and revised my chances for graduate school. And now I need to reset my password just so I can use my cable again.

[NEW PASSWORD: Orbis=Micropenis]

It had been a bad day. I didn't get into the graduate school I had wanted. Looks like I'm going to Shreveport, which sits deceptively in Louisiana but is really in Texas. Great. My counselor told me he had told my first choice that my depth and breadth of knowledge were more in keeping with the expectations of a school like the one in Shreveport. Now I have to change my password just to get into the portal for my first choice, to appeal.

[NEW PASSWORD: F*ckingCounselorF*ckingShreveport] It had required a special character. I put in two because it was that special.

It had been a bad day. I couldn't get the job I wanted because there was no way they'd take someone with a degree from Shreveport. That city will haunt me forever. The recruiter, Ms. O'leary-Sanchez--yea, one of those hyphenated types. One of those tree-hugging, Prius-driving, Democrat-voting, gender-neutralizing, atheist types--looked at me and just said something about my depth and breadth of experience. I said I was ready. She said I wasn't ready, but I'd know it when I was. "I know it now," I said. "No, you don't," she countered. And she also chortled. And now I have to reset my password just to re-enter Call of Duty on the same level I died. I had seen every target as O'Leary-Sanchez.

[NEW PASSWORD: DieScreamingOLeary-Sanchez]

It had been a bad day, topping off a bad year. Long story short: I ended up marrying O'Leary-Sanchez. How sad is that? She found out my password for Call of Duty, and she cried for a week. I had to get rid of Call of Duty. But this wasn't the only issue. I couldn't watch any television which wasn't the evangelical channel. By the way, for the record, she voted Republican, wrecked the Prius, took over my Hummer, and told me I wasn't a man. (And she didn't mean it in a good way.) Now I have to reset my password so I don't have to pay for porn.

[NEW PASSWORD: O'LearyDirtySanchez69]

Another difficult year. I was happily divorced but found out how expensive divorce is. Bankruptcy isn't bad--only lasts for nine years. They weren't allowed to take my house; they weren't allowed to take my car. Just my dignity. One year down and eight to go, but now I have to reset all my passwords to all my bank accounts because the old ones aren't mine anymore.

[NEW PASSWORD: ThievingbastardsTookMyGolfClubs]

It has been a terrible--actually, disastrous--decade:

[NEWPASSWORD: AlwaysReportIncome2IRS]

[NEW PASSWORD: AnkleBraceletsSuck]

[NEW PASSWORD: IKnowImaFelonGoddamit!]

This password worked for me for Capital One, until they fired me without explanation, but everyone knows they have to pay for extra scrutiny for felon customers.

[NEW PASSWORD: My$$JustAintGoodEnough4CapitalOne]

Then...

[NEW PASSWORD: NotGoodNuff4CharlesSchwab],

[NEW PASSWORD: NotGoodNuff4AmEx],

[NEW PASSWORD: NotGoodNuff4MasterCard],

[NEW PASSWORD: NotGoodNuff4Visa],

[NEW PASSWORD: NotGoodNuff4FuckinDinersClub],

[NEW PASSWORD: Retirement$$notWelcomeAnywhere],

[NEW PASSWORD: What?MoneyInMyMattress?], and

[NEW PASSWORD: EveryJobWantsBackgroundCheck!].

Lost my house; lost my car. Still have no golf clubs. Golf clubs--LOL!

[NEW PASSWORD: No$$NoJob,NoFuture=Recidivism],

[NEW PASSWORD: MustSellDrugs2Live], and

[NEW PASSWORD: SeeYallIn10-to-20].

[NEW PASSWORD: UseFingerprintingInsteadOfPW], and finally,

[NEW PASSWORD: MyFingerprintzR-OnEvery1sList],

[NEW PASSWORD: Fuckme].

Then...

[NEW PASSWORD: RehabRocks],

[NEW PASSWORD: 4GivenessRocks], and

[NEW PASSWORD: IKnowImScum&Jobless&Poor&Ne-erDoWellButImNotHopeless], and finally,

[NEW PASSWORD: DoesntMatterImHappyTillIDie].

goalshealinghappiness
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About the Creator

Gerard DiLeo

Retired, not tired. In Life Phase II: Living and writing from a decommissioned Catholic church in Hull, MA. Phase I: was New Orleans (and everything that entails).

https://www.amazon.com/Gerard-DiLeo/e/B00JE6LL2W/

email: [email protected]

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