Relearning You (Pt. 1)
Relearning all the broken, scarred, hurt, missing pieces of you all over again.
When I was in grade five, I changed schools, it was harder than I had thought it would be. I left behind friends I had made since preschool, teachers I had known since grade one, and forfeited my dreams of one day walking down the school hallways as fearlessly as the seniors did.
It was also the first time I realized I was overweight, my school skort was two sizes bigger than all the other girls but it still found a way to expose how thick my thighs were, and the worst thing of all, I couldn't play skipping rope with all the other girls during break intervals. That really was the worst. Or so I thought.
By the time I got to grade six, I realized something I still don't talk about, something not even my parents know. I was being bullied. I think one of the reasons I never spoke about it was because at home I had always been the loud one, the one who displayed a queen bee type personality, and yet I lost all my character the minute I walked into school, I also didn't talk about it because it was something that happened so often it just didn't feel like my case would be serious enough.
I was talked about, slapped, kicked a few times, and made to feel stupid for expressing excitement every Friday when we had a free library period and I took home three to five books. It was pathetic. And lastly, I stopped eating my lunch in front of everyone because they always made a big deal of how much lunch I brought.
In grade seven, I had my first boyfriend, oh the wonders it did. I had lost a ton of weight, at this point, I was literally drowning in my uniform, and I had found a better (albeit not best) group of friend who did find pleasure in standing up for me. The boyfriend thing was like a cherry on top, everyone suddenly saw me as a person, (don't ask me what I was before) and my grade seven year was by far the only good year I had in primary school.
In grade eight, I was one of about five kids from my primary school to get into one of the best high schools in my area, and that was the beginning of a new era for me. The best time of my life.
I will expand on my high-school experience another time, but just wanted to give you the back story to say that most of the students at my primary school do not even remember me as the person who was bullied, and yet that did impact my life and leave scars that I sometimes realize are not completely healed even today still. But that's okay, I became an entirely different person in high school and for a short while, I even became the bully! (Gasp!)
Okay, my point is let life shape you, not break you, those broken pieces are still part of a whole and they're still in the deepest part of your subconscious and it's up to you and you alone whether you acknowledge them and take control of your life.
Until next time,