Perseverance is Key.

Perseverance is Key.

Pain. Suffering. Anguish. Discomfort. All of these I have experienced. We all have pain we will face at some point in our lives. From an early age I experienced pain and suffering too heavy for a child. My mother told me as a child I was born with a rare disease, which caused joint pain and swelling. At five years old my hand closed at the touch of a cold milk container and had to be pried open. I was always given the bed or couch to lay on since I could not get up from the hard floor. I felt shunned by the other children as they huddled together telling ghost stories while lying in their sleeping bags. I avoided sleep overs for this very reason. As a teenager Ben-Gay and Icy Hot were my friends. I smelled like an elderly person but did not care because it helped with the pain in my knees.

When I turned twelve, I began to have chest pains and shortness of breath. The pain was excruciating. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly while someone sat on my chest. This pain and difficulty breathing lasted for a week. Over the course of six years I experienced the pain and breathlessness three to four times a year. When I turned eighteen, I found out I was suffering from Spontaneous Pneumothoraxes' (Collapsed Lungs) on my right side which I had to have a chest tube inserted immediately. After a week of the doctor’s coming in and clasping my chest tube to see if my lung would remain inflated (which it did not, in fact I passed out each time they performed the test). I was then taken into surgery in order to repair my lung. The pain and suffering I felt I would not wish on my worst enemy. Twenty-one times multiple nurses attempted to put in a new IV. Twenty-one times I had to endure the poking and sticking. My arms were so bruised it looked like I was an addict. I made it through the first hospital stay. I was there for three weeks. Five months later my left lung collapsed and once again I had to suffer through another lung surgery.

All this pain and suffering I felt prepared me for the future. I miscarried my first child when I was twelve weeks pregnant. The physical pain paled to the emotional pain. The insensitive comments such as “At least you didn’t have to bury your child” “It wasn’t a baby yet” “You can have other children” hurt me to my core. I know maybe good intentions were being made but to a mother who has lost her child regardless of how long she carried her child statements such as these are harmful. I felt into a depression. My grandfather had just died and a week later I miscarried. For a month I did not cry for my grandfather. Then all at once I could not stop crying. I could not bear the realization that he was gone and so was my baby.

A year later I found out I was pregnant with twins. My husband and I were ecstatic. I made it thirty-eight weeks before I developed toxemia. I had to have an emergency c-section in order to save my life and my twins lives. Our daughters were born healthy and went home with me later that week. Two months later one of my twins was diagnosed with Group B Strep. We were devastated and did not understand why it took so long for the diagnosis. Typically, mother and child are tested prior to birth so the mother can be treated. My little twin suffered through a spinal tap and inability of the nurses to start her IV’s as well. Every time they stuck her, I cried. It hurt me so bad to see her suffer as I did. I blamed myself for giving her bad veins. She made it through.

Three and a half years later I gave birth to my son. At fifteen weeks pregnant my right lung collapsed again. I was only observed this time since going through a major surgery could harm my unborn child. Halfway through my pregnancy my heart became enlarged. I was told I may not survive the pregnancy if my heart failed. I made it through and had another c-section. During my c-section and tubal ligation, I felt like I was suffocating. I could not breathe, and I felt like I was dying. The doctors worked fast to get my son out and stabilized me. I was afraid because I was alone. My mother in law and father in law were made to leave the room. Just the thought causes anxiety. My son was healthy, and I survived.

Over the years more health issues presented. I have had numerous surgeries and multiple hospital stays. I found out I have Lupus when I was 40 years old. For years doctors assumed I had juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. All the health issues I faced came from the one diagnosis.

Pain and suffering can be physical and/or mental. Sometimes the pain and suffering may not be your own but others around you. I watched helplessly as my husband's grandfather passed away from cancer. I made the choice to have him removed from life support. I made this decision without my husband’s consent. Before my grandfather in law went into the hospital, he told me he did not want to be put on life support. I wanted to honor his wishes even though it hurt my husband. All my life I have been the person who gives unconditionally to others. I listen to those who are suffering and thinking about committing suicide. I have helped people choose life over death. I decided to go to school and further my education. I received a master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science with an emphasis in Psychology.

With everything I have dealt with I felt a strong desire to be a beacon for those in need. I want to help those who are suffering. I know I am not perfect, and I have my share of shortcomings. I have embraced my flaws. I am trying hard not to be the cause of anyone's suffering or pain.