Oxygen

My name is Kaylee and my dream is to be happy. I am a fashion designer, an artist, and an aspiring writer and model. To be more precise, I am a struggling designer. I wish I could say that everything was going well and that my brand had finally taken off, but "struggling" is the key word here. College left me with depression, severe anxiety, health issues from stress, and a lot of student debt; $22,031 to be exact. Yeah I know, funny how the amount of debt I am in is approximately the same amount awarded to the first place winner of this prompt, which is why I feel that this is my chance.

I know that there may be others more worthy and there are thousands of others writing about their amazing dreams for this prompt, but I am reaching a dead end in my life. I actually wrote something similar for another prompt, but as I said, I am desperate. At the beginning of writing that prompt, I was in a slump. Because of my depression, I was genuinely wondering what made me happy anymore and near the end, I was able to start finding joy in the things that I once was so passionate about. I have put nearly all of my money into my brand because that is what I am passionate about. And even though I may fall every now and then, I remember that I have big dreams and it helps me to pick myself back up again. I have metaphorically fallen many times in my life, and over these past 5 years, it feels like each fall is further than the last.

I live in a really small Indiana town. One that is economically built for a town of 1,000 but surprisingly 15,000 people reside here. A town where people live but they do not work here or spend their money here. A town filled with many vacant storefronts where businesses tried and failed. I have heard of my hometown being referred to as a "black hole" many times throughout my life, and I truly feel that now more than I ever thought was possible. This town is no place for a person with big dreams; not for fashion designer, nor an artist. As for getting a job here, it is extremely difficult for me. Most of the jobs are food based, and from my own personal experience, they are the worst for my anxiety. I have tried being a dishwasher, an ice cream server, and even a waitress, all of which worsened my anxiety and nearly gave me panic attacks. I was actually working at a factory at the beginning of winter this past year and I was doing well, but it turned out to only last for the busy holiday season. While working there, I had an epiphany after the discovery of a musician that I had never heard of before. That single music video sent me into a manic state of mind in comparison to how depressed I had been. I sat there mesmerized by the music video and within just a few hours, I had planned a whole fashion show video. Everything played out in my mind like a movie. I had planned every detail, from the plot of this fashion show/movie, to the designs and styling and even the camera angles. It was as if a flame had been lit up inside my chest, but it was quickly smothered as reality kicked in. The reality of being a fashion designer with big dreams, stuck in a small town with no connections and no money.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

― Maya Angelou

I used this very same quote for my senior fashion show back in 2019 when I had overcome what I thought were my "lowest lows". It would be great if that were the case but even though my life is difficult, and I have already experienced lower lows than I had thought possible, I remember this quote and keep going.

My brand is Oxygen. Back in 2018 during my senior year of college, we were assigned the task of creating a "brand" for the senior fashion show. I had thought about it for quite some time, how could I find a word that would truly encompass what I wanted to say through my brand? Eventually it came to me. My designs and my art are my source of life and meaning, and due to my mental illness constantly making me feel as if I couldn't breathe, Oxygen was the word that came to mind. It is what we all need in order to survive, and art is my oxygen that helps relieve my pain. Reaching this realization was cathartic to me, as if I had finally found that missing puzzle piece I had been searching for for so long. From then on, my mental health is what inspired my designs. At the end of my senior year of college in 2019, my fashion show was based on mental health, specifically in East Asia. In countries like China and Korea, mental health is not a priority and in Japan, it is often considered weak and taboo to discuss it. This stigma around mental health resulted in the phenomena, "Suicide Forest" at the foot of Mt. Fuji. The stigma also brought on a fashion subculture created by the youths that felt as if they were being silenced. This subculture is called "Yami-Kawaii" (or "Sickly Cute"). In this subculture, they wear clothes and makeup to express the pain of depression, making themselves appear sick or bloody since depression is an invisible illness. It is often displayed by combining the dark reality of mental illness, all while presenting themselves as being cute in order to make mental illness more palatable, since "cuteness" is something that is deeply rooted in Japan's culture. I still use this as an inspiration for my designs albeit more during fall in winter when my depression is at it's worst. Spring and summer are a breath of fresh air when it comes to my mental health, as if the warm sun melts away my sadness. I styled my Oxygen Summer 2021 collection to make others smile, because even though there will always be sadness and shadows, the sun will always rise to bathe you in light.

My main dream is to be happy, and I feel like moving to Seoul, South Korea will help me accomplish that. Living in a large city full of opportunities could help set my brand up for success. Moving to Korea has been my dream since I was sixteen years old, and after visiting twice now, I can feel that it is where I belong. Once I'm there and my stress finally melts away, the possibilities are endless. Who knows, I may be able to finally finish my book, paint, and model like I have been wanting to for so long. If I become successful, another dream of mine is to buy my parents the farm that they have always wanted, but sacrificed in order to raise me and my two older siblings. After that, I would love to help others in any way that I can, because that is what wealthy and successful people should be expected to do. If I can just get a little boost, a little push to lift me out of the darkness that threatens to burn me out, I think I could be a flame that burns brighter than anyone was ever expecting.