Opening The Blinds

How old are you? I ask myself, as I stare in the mirror, in ironic surprise, with my mouth wide open and hand on my cheek. I mutter I can't believe that I lived this long! I can’t believe that my children are as old as they are. Time flies. I laugh at myself as, I find myself calling my older sister who is 11 months my senior and asking her how old she is, and she, in turn, begins to laugh, saying, I truly stopped counting, until someone reminds me. Like you. We calculate and both say, Nooo! that can’t be! It even gets funnier, when My stubbornness to accept reality, leads me to call my mother. Every time, she lovingly scolds me by letting out a shame on you sigh and saying, “ooh”, you should know how old you are. My goodness, you know you are catching up to me." It opens the heavy blinds that were darkening my perception of the blessings of growing older, and it allows me to exhale and tease my mom back, while admiring how she remains ever young. The contagious laughter allows the light to come in. And that’s peace for me. Believe it or not, as I journeyed through my life I have come to realize starting around the age of 40, that I shut out the thought of aging, which began my moments of amnesia. While in all actuality what was going on with me was that I purposefully closed my ears and eyes to the confirmation of my increasing age. Why? What caused me to have certain years of regret or years of denying my birthday to come. Time? Yes, time. Time flies!

Time flies when you are living! When your life is full and your cup runneth over with abundant love, prosperity, and fellowship. And… time flies when your life is filled with the realities of living. The sun shining on your “bad” days and the rain pouring on your most challenging days, and when you are on the outfield of life ready to catch the ball of opportunity, but instead miss it, because you were thrown a curveball. As I look back over my life, I had been thrown many curveballs. Though, I still truly say, my cup runs over.

How does time get away from me? As I pondered the image in the mirror and reflect on my life, I come to realize that years were lost due to various reasons beyond direct faults of my own. Time escapes when I spend my time allowing my tears to compete with the torrential storms of life. Could I really see through the curtains of my tears? probably not. Time also flies when my vision has been compromised by the seeds of discord that have been planted to separate my marriage which goes against values to protect and agree with the laws of the land, and God, only to succumb to divorce, major moves with 4 children, and a couple of grands... Wow! I thought I was too young to be a grandmother. Nevertheless, I laughed through the rough patches and continued to hold onto the rope of hope, while leaning on the love of family. This includes being in the classroom of life learning how to be a single mother and trying to be engaged in a personal life all at the same time. Yes, time flies, when you become a tissue to wipe the tears from the disillusioned eyes of the children, trying to parent alone while seeking resources that fail to hold up to their support. How did I juggle through all of that? Hence, time flies through sacrifices of the heart. Like serving as a covering for the family, while overriding those “normal" goals and expectations to meet life's benchmarks and measures of success.

Truly, Sacrifices of the heart innately consumes your time, and it can also create blind spots that overshadow the events of life, like heavy curtains or closed blinds that block out the sunlight, causing the smile to become less instinctual. Yet, because of that sacrificial heart that has made hope her best friend, she still smiles to bring life to those that share her burden. My burden... The children, family, and life's basic obligations. Time flies when you desire to keep your eyes shut because your child passed away. Oh, death where is your sting?

Yet... Love opens the blinds and lets the sun in. Time flies when you are trying to make up for the lost time and rebuild hope and strengthen the family. As I have done. I no longer think too much of myself, and although true dreams are deferred and have become hidden messages on aged journaled pages, desiring to be shared and to help someone else. I choose to grow up and count it all joy! Love prevails, my cup runneth over, because of the peace I have with reality, and my right now, that is rich, abundant, and filled with peaceful joy!

"Happy Birthday, Mom! What do you want for your 50th birthday? What do you want for your 60th birthday?"

What, How old will I be next year? I have so much to do! So much life ahead of me!

Today, I look in the mirror, and talk LIFE to myself, realizing that despite my missed dates and living to live and being a cover for my family and my heart, I still am grateful for each and every year! I have a purpose and a destiny to fulfill. I have a plethora of books to publish and more messages and songs to sing and share! I am going to be 61 this year and I am Young at heart! You see, I tore open the blinds. Now I truly see that the sun shines on my good days and the rain comes down on my good days. I look at myself in the mirror and see that my smile decided to never leave me. I see! I want to be! Just because that is why I am here! I shall cherish each day and every year! It's a blessing!