One Day At a Time

The task was simple; eat one piece. That’s it. Just one piece of chocolate cake, and then I could go back to my room. While for most, this would be a simple, if not desirable treat... it was anything but that for me. In that moment, it felt as though the entire world was closing in on me; and taking all the breathable air with it.

A hand reached out and touched mine, which was clenched around the plastic fork I was meant to eat with. I raised my eyes to meet the gaze of my nurse, Jamie, who gave me a kind, but stern look.

“I know it’s hard, Amara. But we’re not leaving this room today until we make some progress.”

I said nothing. My eyes dropped back down to the slice of cake in front of me; the painful, twisting knot in my stomach seemingly growing with each breath. It took all my willpower to not cry.

I lifted the fork, and stabbed it into the cake. It sliced through easily, and had a spongy texture that triggered my conditioned gag reflex. After a deep breath, I once again lifted the small forkful, and after only a slight hesitation shoved it into my mouth.

My God it hurt! I’d been avoiding sugar for so long, my taste buds had forgotten what it was like. The taste alone made my head hurt. I chewed once, then automatically grabbed for a non existent glass of water. Jamie shook her head.

“No sweetie; no water. You can have some when you’re done.”

I chewed again, tears now freely running from my eyes. Why did it have to be chocolate? So painfully sweet…

I did not chew a third time. Despite my body’s protests, I swallowed the horrible substance in my mouth. Already, just from that one bite, my stomach slightly swelled, and it felt like I’d swallowed a rock. Jamie saw me looking at my gut, and snapped her fingers, successfully breaking the trance I’d fallen into.

“It looks like that because you have no food in you.” Her voice, while still soft, now had a hardened tone to it. “The stomach swells when you’re starving. You know this.”

Yes, I knew it. Of course I knew it. I knew I was skinny. I knew I was underweight. I knew I had to eat, and that food was not something to fear. Yes, I knew all that. But did I believe it?

No. No, I’d never believed it.

I tried another bite. I really did. This one however, simply could not make it past my throat, and ended up back on the plate. Jamie finally relented, getting me that glass of water.

“It’s okay Amara. You did great. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

While the thought of enduring this again tomorrow filled me with dread, that statement did make me feel better. It was over for now, and she was right; I did do great.

This was the first time I’d actually eaten one full bite of something I was scared of. The first time, since my parents had hospitalized me, that I’d finally managed to take a real, positive step forward. It wasn’t pretty, and it was far from easy, but I knew I could do it again. I would do it again; and eventually, I would get better.

I followed Jamie back to my room, and for once, laid down in my bed feeling good. Despite the sick, guilty feeling I had because of the one bite I’d taken, I felt hopeful. I was proud of my progress. It wasn’t fast, but it was forward. That’s the best I could do.

As the saying goes; “one day at a time.”