New Year, New You?

It's a new year and it's my favorite time of year because that means new beginnings and new opportunities to start over, start fresh, and give yourself a clean slate. Over the last few months, I found myself trying so hard to move on, from pain, from heartache, from missing a certain someone. January couldn't come fast enough.

I spent the New Year's Eve with pharyngitis, tonsillitis, and a 101 fever. After a trip to urgent care, I spent the last hour of the last day of 2017 on my couch. I didn't think I'd turn the TV on to watch the ball drop, as every year before this one I spent it surrounded by friends and family. These past holidays were just so different. But at 11:55 PM, I turned my TV and watched the ball drop. And on my screen, I saw thousands of people flood Times Square, kiss one another, and while I thought about my last New Year's kisses, I felt relieved. I felt relieved because this was the time I have been anticipating for awhile; a new year, a fresh start. It meant I can finally let go and start over.

So while I've been recovering and considering the removal of my tonsils, I've been doing my best to stay grounded, grounded in my work, in my feelings and in my decisions. Many people create resolutions for the new year, but I don't view the plans I sought out for myself as resolutions. I view them as life long goals.

See this year, I decided I would pursue sobriety. Over the last year, I drank alcohol so much that it clouded my judgment to make good and smart decisions. It destroyed some valuable relationships I had, and it made me extremely unhealthy. When I talked to my biological mother (I'm adopted) about it, she told me her alcohol abuse and bad habits began at the same age as me, and that it was great I was recognizing it now. If I could stop now, it would be wise to, as addiction runs through my blood. When I would lean off it, I turned to marijuana and would smoke heavily. But then, I would wallow in my depression and while at times my creative abilities would flourish while I was high, most of the time I found myself crying because I couldn't stop reflecting and connecting the dots on my recent breakup, my childhood trauma, and what that meant for me. It's all part of the healing process, mentally and emotionally. But I knew a few weeks ago that I no longer wanted to lean on any substance.

I have been clean six days. Ninety-five percent of my social circle either drink or smoke or do both. I've already been invited out for drinks and stuff, and people laugh when I say I am practicing sobriety. I think, in general society, doubts that people have can stick to something like this. In fact, I find it insane how heavily dependent our people are on substances. Could you really go a week without it? Can you have fun and dance and have a good time without it? For me, I enjoyed the taste of tequila, whiskey and I LOVED wine and champagne. I also loved marijuana; I've smoked since I was 18. I enjoyed the effects it all had on me. But I realized that it all stood in the way of committing to myself and healthy decisions. I had a hard time controlling my intake, and no matter how much I tried, I always consumed too much for my own good. I think it was time I accepted what is and just gave it all up, because truth be told, I don't need any of it.

What I want in life is to have a clear head at all times so that I can produce the best work I can, so I can make great decisions, and so that I can protect my relationships and myself. As a product of substance abuse with a new baby brother about to be born next month, the last thing I want is to be inebriated around him or in general. It's a waste of money, energy, and time.

So if you're practicing sobriety, I am with you. If you have been hurt by me in the past, I am sorry. I am so happy to realize and take control of my life now. I am grateful to have strength in times where it can be so damn difficult. I am blessed to have an incredible support system that has never given up on me. I am honored to have love in my life and I am emotional as I write this, because I couldn't have been prouder of myself. It is indeed POWERFUL to take life by the horns and navigate how you want to live it.

Whatever your resolution is, I hope you stick to it! Happy New Year!