MY TIME

When I think about my future life I think of my future home. I think of my future car, my future family, my future job. I know what I want for my future, I know what my goals are, what my dreams are, what I want my life to look like. However, what am I doing to get there? I can say I am quite fortunate to know what I want in life but I feel I am not doing anything about it.

During my journey in this life, I have been going through quite a bit. My life has given me ups and downs, but I feel there have been more downs than ups. Everyday I sit and think to myself when will I get to where I want to be in life, when will I finally see my life have more ups than downs.

Everyday except for weekends I work, I have a lot of responsibility at work everyone looks up to me. Also at home I feel I have the most responsibility and my family looks up to me. I'm so focused on everything else and everyone else that I barely focus on me.

When I think deeper within myself I notice that I tend to put all my needs last and put everyone's needs first. I help them with whatever they need. I could be sick and I still will go out of my way for everyone. I care so deeply for the people I love. All I want is for them to be happy, to have an easier life and I will do all that is possible to make that happen.

But if I'm doing this all for them, what am I doing for myself? What are these people doing for me? No one sees my break downs, no one hears my cries for help, no one knows if I am having a bad day or not, no one even tends to ask. And by me focusing on everyone else I can’t even focus on myself.

The problem with focusing on myself is that the people around me are not used to it. I do everything for them but when i decide to take time for me or when I feel emotional or angry or stressed, everyone feels that I no longer care for them like i just decided to drop them and leave them on their own, They see my problems as minor like it will go away in the morning but what they do not know is that i have been dealing with this my whole life.

I also notice that I feel bad for focusing on myself and put my needs and emotions to the side and go back to focusing on the person. But then I complain that I am not going anywhere near my future because I am not focusing on myself.

I hate that I feel guilty, I hate that I care so much for people when they barely care about me. Now when I get time to focus on myself I have no idea how to. I have no idea where to start. I just sit down all day thinking of the things I want to accomplish, however I just watch tv all day.

But now it is time for a change! I am no longer attending to peoples needs if I need to attend to my needs. I am no longer going to try to get people to understand what I am going through when clearly they don't even care. I am no longer listening to people tell me that I do nothing for them when I do everything in my power for them. I know it may take some time for me to get used to it, however I need to do that for myself. I need work for my future for my happiness and if people do not want to accept it they can get out of my life.