My Secret to Overcoming the Painful Trap of Perfectionism

“A meaningful life is not a matter of being rich, popular, or perfect. It is about being real, humble, being able to share with us and touch the lives of others. "~ Unknown

Hi, I'm Kortney, and I'm trying to be perfect.

Like many of us, I have spent most of my life believing that unless something was perfect, it would never be good. It wasn’t really in between. If it wasn't perfect, it was a failure.

One of the problems with perfectionism is that it is often believed that it is a good thing. In our society, people tend to appreciate it. If you are a perfectionist, you have to achieve it. In progress. Wise.

Have you ever felt proud to be called a perfectionist?

I have.

Have you ever wondered why?

Speaking of my own experience, when someone called me a perfectionist, I felt like even though I didn’t believe I was perfect, it meant they saw me as perfect. They saw me as one of the best, or the most talented person. It was a confirmation that I was seen as a talented person.

My great thirst for this kind of assurance has consumed the machine of wanting to complete years.

If you are wondering what it all means to be wrong, here are a few features:

Mistakes are overly concerned about mistakes, even if it is not possible for someone else to pay attention to them.

Their self-confidence depends on perfection.

They think black and white - things are right or wrong. Perfection or failure.

They have unrealistic expectations and high standards for themselves and beat themselves up if they do not meet them.

They insist that everything is perfect, or else, because the thought that someone else sees his imperfections is unbearable.

Despite their quest for perfection, they never feel close to perfection.

They can't accept being second only to the progress of something. That's a failure.

They spend too much time on projects because they are always completing one last thing.

They spend a lot of time seeking external approval.

No matter what they do, they don't feel enough.

At one point in my life, all of those bullet points define me. I spent a lot of time worrying about approval and reassurance to feel like I was amazing. But I have never felt so close to fear. I’ve never felt enough about anything.

Sure, there were times when I felt like I was doing something right, but then I had to raise the bar. Just a certain readiness was not enough. There was always another level to be reached. The bar is constantly rising, which is not a bad thing for people who are striving to make progress in a healthy way, but for a perfectionist who depends on his self-control to reach the bar every time it is raised, it is not good.

It was frustrating.

After much struggle in my life, I knew I needed to explore my ways of wanting perfection and find a way to be compassionate to myself. Perfectionism was holding me back from loving my life. And to be honest, I do not think that I am deliberately trying to erase all perfection. It came as a product of some great personal work.

I began to see that I had a lot of superstitious beliefs that were not in my brain. Beliefs I never thought to question. These beliefs also hindered me from being able to enjoy the life I wanted to live.

We all have belief systems that we don’t really think to question. We grew up with them. We have educated them in the media, culture and society. But if we actually take a step backwards to realize that these thought processes that hinder our ability to grow and progress exist, we can begin to question them.

Some common beliefs that keep people in line with perfectionism are:

People rewarded me for having the highest standards. They were impressed and I gained acceptance.

The only time I get good attention is when I'm striving for great things or accomplishments.

If I make a mistake, I am a failure.

As long as I can do that-and-be proud of my success, you will love me, and I will be happy.

If I fail, I have nothing. Failure is wrong.

If I don't check everything out often, I'll lose something and look stupid.

My achievements are useless if incomplete (e.g. getting a "B" instead of a "A" in class failure),

If others see my mistakes, I will not be accepted. They will not love me.

The good news is that thoughts like these are examples of wrong thinking — erroneous belief systems that keep you from sticking to perfection. By identifying certain thoughts and beliefs that keep you from sticking to perfection, you can begin to develop new, more practical thinking patterns and belief systems.

I also discovered another secret to winning perfection.

The secret is that I'm good at being in the middle. I have worked to accept the measure.

If you are a perfectionist, you know that being called a standard sounds like the end of the world. It's a bad word to hear. My inner critic was not. "How do you think the rating is right?" he shouted.

When I was young, twenty-some, and even thirty-something, my world would be over if I accepted it as a measure.

But sometimes life has a way of making you feel better.

Life has a way of putting things in your marriage and provides opportunities for you to grow. Everyone has these opportunities at one time or another, but you should be aware of them and choose to use them.

There was a time not long ago when I went through a very difficult time and I had to rebuild my life.

Looking back, I can see that this situation was already “turning the tide” —a move for the new side of change. I was not living my best life and I did not intend to stay focused on that path. I had a problem with depression and anxiety, much of which was due to my desire for perfection.