My new Happiness

Everyone has the ability to be happy, I believed for a long time that happiness was not possible due to the effects of being abused and controlled for 35 years of my life and I am only 39!. My parents did not have the maternal skills needed for me to thrive as a child, they nursed their drugs and alcohol instead. I was neglected and brought myself up. During this time I also lost two sisters in a 3 year period and all my grandparents who were my safe people. My happiest childhood memories are due to my grandparents, they showed me love and ensured I was safe. As an adult I had relationships that were toxic and full of domestic voilence, I was stabbed twice and almost lost my life, it was then my thinking process changed.

I had lived my entire life up to that point pleasing and doing what others wanted me to do, I was never allowed to think for myself, dress in clothes I wanted to wear, I was even told I was forbidden to sit in the sun. It is clear to see why I was so pessimistic, how can someone be truly happy if they cant express or do what makes them feel that way. I decided enough was enough I was going to do me for a change. Once the relationship was over I got myself a new house in a different location and I chopped all the toxic people out my life... What a relief to not be told how I should be and how I should think. I must admit, it wasnt't easy once my brain calmed down after all the toxicness I honestly didn't know what to do with myself.

I began to sing again and play my drum box, I have always loved music it has helped me immensley during my healing journey. I studied at university and became a nurse, this was my childhood dream that I was lead to believe I would never achieve, well I did it!! and with straight A's and a distinction, I actually surprised my-self at how well I did. Becoming a nurse did a lot for my self-esteem and confidence. I chose to work with the elderly, I enjoyed listening to their stories and helping them in any way I could, my motto was to treat everyone with dignity and respect and treat everyone the way I like to be treated. I was a good nurse and excelled in my career becoming a charge nurse in a three year period, but due to the abuse I had suffered in the past I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Functional Neurological Disorder. I began taking seizures 4 of them requiring CPR, my mobilty and dexterity is affected all the stuff you need to be a nurse. I was sadly signed off work and registered as having a disabilty.

I was gutted to not be working and felt immence grief over my patients, I miss them so much! That unhappiness feeling I had in the past was back. But the new determined and positive me tried hard to keep focused and find something else that would fulfill the void I was feeling. I began writing a book something I had wanted to do since I was 17 but never really knew how to start it. Attending University and writing essay's gave me skills to have the confidence to finally sit down and put pen to paper, I am on chapter 7 and I have a publisher waiting once it is finished. Another thing ticked off...

Sometimes I would get writers block and would have to have a rest from writing the book, it was emotionally draining at times. I enjoyed writing and decided it was something I wanted to do but like the book I didn't have a clue where to start. I began to research on how I could get a platform to start writing and that is when I discovered Vocal, I clicked on the website and subscribed straight away and within a short time I had 19 articles published, I must admit when I got my first email to say that my article had been accepted and published I was elated it really did do wonders for my mental health. I felt I had a purpose and a focus again not only that just being able to write about different aspects of my life allowed me to off load in a way. I am thankful to Vocal for giving me the opportunity to write, read others and join a community of like minded people. I have something to do now!! not working and being limited on what I can do is frustrating and gives you a lot of thinking time. I can't do that I prefer to be productive and creative in any way I can and thanks to Vocal I can sit down with a coffee in my garden that has the best scenery (Falkland Hill) a scene from Braveheart featering Mel Gibson was filmed there. I sit with my mac book, coffee and write whilst listening to the birds. Vocal thank you for helping me through my healing journey, with lockdown and COVID 19 things have been a bit crazy! so having something to look forward to has given me a new drive to be a good writer. That is my happiness.