My little inspiration

A tear ran down my cheek that night as the clouds began to form for an upcoming storm. The amazing memories which I had experienced thanks to the beauty of this country had found a special place in my heart; especially with my little revelation beside me for the first time. Yet despite the feeling of melancholy, a smile grew upon my face as I held my little inspiration for what I knew would be the last time for years.

Growing up, expectations were the only signs I could see as I walked the narrow path life had given me. Intelligence and talent had assured my path from a young age and with it, the assumption of greatness waiting at the end of the road. The confidence of my family, and the boasting that followed only increased the predictions of my future being filled with palpable success. Yet nothing could have prepared me for the unexpected hurdle that would confront me.

By the time I was barely a teenager an unexpected darkness had grown within me. There were no major circumstances which invited this destructive force yet I was unable to fight it off! Confused I lay awake night after night, trying to find a reason and a way to defeat the demons that surrounded me, while still trying to keep the charade that I was still the marvel I had once been.

I could feel the horrifying endless war within my mind as the good battled with the demons which were constantly trying to break in! The good and intelligence I had tried desperately to defend itself, like an outnumbered diminishing army trying to defend its crumbling castle walls. Yet despite the bravery, the demons of uncontrollable depression seemed to grow in numbers until finally the day came; my defences had fallen and the good I had disappeared within dark forests in my mind.

Years followed filled with sadness and insomnia as I tried desperately to find a solution without feeling the shame of asking for help. To cry for help would mean having to admit that I had fallen far from the road I should have been on, and I lacked the courage to do that. Depression had become the only source that my shivering soul desired.

That is until I found myself in the Philippines, looking with amazement at the massive mall which I had travelled to. Although I was excited by the news which had brought me to this exquisite nation, the fear I’d lived with for so long caused me to doubt that it would change anything within me. Without the ability to control myself I had fallen so far from grace over the years. All that changed instantly when I heard the word; daddy.

In a flash the good within me, which I had thought was lost, appeared from darkness and prepared for war! I had travelled hundreds of miles to meet my 3 year old daughter for the first time, and as she held my hand and looked up at me, a shy yet excited smile on her face, I knew right away. The good within had never died, it had only been in hiding, and now I’d found the inspiration I needed to battle the demons which had unexplainably controlled my life for so long.

Despite the excitement, it was a sad day as I knew it would be the last time I’d see her or my older future step daughters for several years. Having been controlled by darkness for so long I knew there was a lot of work to do to return to normality, yet I was determined to win. I had failed my own desires yet I refused to fail my daughters. As I stepped onto the plane on the return trip home I took a deep breath, excited yet afraid of the battle that awaited me once I arrived home.

They say that time flies by when you’re busy and I realised how true that was when I returned to the Philippines 4 years later. It had been a difficult time filled with so much physical and emotional work that, although I had defeated my demons, I was exhausted. Yet a tear of absolute joy rolled down my cheek, 4 years after that first day, when I saw my daughters’ little smiles of joy as I stepped out of the airport. As she and her older sisters gave me a hug I knew right then; the good within had won.