My Aspirations

When I heard, ‘It’s time for 2024’. Personally, it can be frightening. Always frightening, every year. It‘s a new chapter and ready for the new adventure(again). I am nervous and exhausted. The goals can be still overwhelming and confusing at the same time every year and even after Christmas. I get that all the time. Some people I know who felt that way too. Every new year, I usually cleaned up, declutterred, and reorganized the closets, organizer draws, and even shelves when the new year day has started. Top to bottom. It’s always like refreshing a new start.

As an aspiring writer, I have been started this for almost 3 years. I’m not sure how much I often to write. I know I haven’t done anything successfully yet. It’s been so hard that I couldn’t succeed well with others and telling stories because of my major flaws—language disorder, intense emotions, complex grammar, and ‘oversharing’ with others. I came from the failed school systems due from my learning struggles. You might know what I wrote about from ‘writers challenge’ five months ago—

Like I said, I have been struggled with this flaw since my youth. Back in 2021, I have been started to conquering one of my insecurities and fears. It’s also hard to say that I am quite a slow writer because of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts, knowing all the brainstorming, and making sure it’s perfect. I brainstormed with many things if I can do it better. I always love making stories, being creative, imaginative, and storytelling. Sadly, one of my least favorite subject was English— why? Because of all essays(including critical thinking and open responses) and then I get lot of criticism by all teachers. Same issue from the Reading classes. Dealing with mixed language disorder has never been so easy, especially being criticized and ridiculed in school all the time. At least I made it and graduated. However, I still get some comments or been judged from others too even when I’m older. For example, someone asked me is English is my second language. I was so embarrassed.

My goals, unfortunately, were quite more problematic, confusing, and plausible because of rejections, reality check, personal issues, and chaotic but stressful situations. I don’t know if I ever did reached some of my goals due from my intrusive thoughts. My future dream goals can be very tricky. One of them is that I do wish that I can collaborate with some people I like someday.

I know the society is still broken and bitter for everyone, including me.

About Vocal challenges, no matter how many times I’ve had been participated. It was fun, mostly the poems, inclduing the ones that I never done it before. It literally did shaped my creative journey, even though it was challenging from the judges. It’s okay if my writings are not perfect. It’s okay if I haven’t won any contest as long as I have worked so hard and conquering it. At least I did my very best and keep writing. That‘s okay.

I have learned that I made like 37 total writings on 2023 and one of my writings went up to the top stories on September 2023. It was a big step, well, a little bit. I almost made it to 90 total. I hope I can reach it much more than I had done it last year or two. I’m trying to be more confident and more self compassion as best as I can. I know things are still not easy and exhausting every day. I hope someday that I can do more better this year.