Little Bit o' Peace In My Life

Well, thank God that’s over. Am I right? 2020 gave birth to a global pandemic, countless instances of hate, an economic depression, social and racial injustice, and a total upheaval of life as we knew it. Dramatic much? The Oscar for most dramatic performance goes to...

Last year was one of personal lows for me from January on, starting with a completely broken leg. That one event in and of itself managed to begin my stint in isolation much earlier than everyone else, thwarted my attempts at losing weight and being more active, and brought forth a whole new depth of my already present anxiety and depression.

None of which I was ready for.

However, at the risk of sounding cliche, I decided that this year was going to be the start of the rest of my life. Sometimes, when you realize that what you’ve been doing for years to survive hasn’t been working, you decide to take the risk and change. This year, I am doing my best to lay the groundwork for the rest of my life and the person that I want to be going forward. I am going to do those things that mold me into a person that I’d love to be and to help heal the damage that I was forced to face while in the throws of lockdown.

Welcome to my Learn Love list for 2021:

1. Travel.

This year, I’ve already traveled a couple of times, which is more than I can say than I’ve done since my daughter was an infant. Once my leg was healed, and I felt comfortable walking, I set out for Chicago to participate in a photography session that I had been fortunate enough to win while I was recovering. This was in late 2020, when people were starting to mill about more frequently, and this was my first solo trip to a city of this magnitude where I was not immediately going to rendezvous with family. It really let me put myself in perspective to see how small and really insignificant I am in the scope of the world. Walking through the city, or watching out the window of my Uber drivers, the past few times I’ve gone is always a humbling experience and it makes me reflect on how truly small my problems are in comparison to how they could be.

2. Re-embrace Creativity.

This has been on a list of things that I’ve deemed crucial since my eldest, who is 5, was born. Being a mom made me forget so much about who I was as a person before I had children, and while I was in recovery, I really felt the sting. I couldn’t remember anything that I used to do that brought me joy that didn’t involve the kids, and it made me miserable because I felt like I’d forgotten all about myself. There was no more writing, no more reading, no creation at all aside from this beautiful little life that I’d become fixated on.

So far, during this year, I developed a love of painting. I searched how-to websites, watched YouTube tutorials, and taught myself how to paint with acrylics. And, you know what? I was so happy! I made two of the same painting, hoping I might vary them a bit, and my boyfriend keeps one in his office while my dad keeps the other at his house. Something about seeing something I’ve created, hanging in someone’s house, creates a warmth in my heart that just can’t be duplicated and I intend to create more.

3. Mindful Eating.

Yes, mindful eating. I know that’s everyone’s New Year’s resolution, but hear me out. I was raised in a family where food was policed, and diets were implemented at a young age. Where “fat” might as well have been a four letter word because that was the worst fate for a girl. I remember being on a diet in middle school because I felt so awful about my body, and the comments from others had started far before then. Prom time was a disaster as I was too developed for the stunning dresses I wanted, and I was forced to get bigger sizes, and much plainer dresses. When I first got engaged, someone immediately told me that I should diet because I didn’t want to be a fat bride, did I? My relationship with food is strained at best.

So far, I have brought about some changes to my normal food intake in the form of fruit and vitamin packed smoothies in the morning, with greens and hearty yogurt to give my system a boost. I know how to eat healthily, and I can cook well, but I need to remember that if my kids want to have pizza that it’s okay to do every once in a while. It’s alright to indulge a little, but there is a line that ought not be crossed. Plus, thinking about what I eat, has been working well in helping me guide my kids to healthier choices too. That there is wonderful, because I don’t want them to repeat my feelings about food.

4. Be Kinder.

Now, this is not to say that I am not a kind person. I am! But, sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I will speak out of sheer spite and malice and aim to inflict pain so that I get a moment’s reprieve. This is not limited to just one area of life either, it bleeds like the way I imagine my words could. My children do not deserve my baseless lashing out verbally, and my significant other has mostly taken the brunt. He has a horrible habit of vomiting words when he’s not sure what to say, and sometimes it results in things being said that have hurt me, such as, when asked why he didn’t defend our relationship to his friends, he blurted that he wasn’t physically attracted to me.

Awful as it was for me to hear it, and as awful as he felt once it escaped, it was nothing compared to how my anxiety took it. Every moment I could, I would dig that wound a little deeper in myself and him too. I’d growl that he should just leave me already, I’d take my hand away from him in the store so that pretty girls wouldn’t think we were together. I felt like I was doing something, but I wasn’t sure what exactly.

So far, this year, this behavior has been the hardest to cull. I’ve tried just shutting my mouth, I’ve tried exhaling all the bad thoughts away, and shoving it internally so that it didn’t hurt anyone, but the ‘a ha’ moment came when I returned home after a weekend away in which I had spent the ENTIRE weekend angry at outside circumstances of which I had no control. It hit me. Feeling this way wasn’t doing anything positive for me. Dwelling, stewing, and being upset does nothing at all positive for the situation at hand and I need to sit down and breathe before I let my brain push everyone away from me.

2021 has scarcely begun, but I have already begun to live it as if it is the GPS plotting my trip to some greater self acceptance, love, and patience.I certainly know that taking on 34 years of mess in one year is not something that’s possible, but, I know where I can start. The hardest part is over and now, I’m taking those first steps. There is no where left to go from here, but up.