Life is messy

There's never a dull moment in my life and that's not always a good thing, sometimes it can be overwhelming and quite annoying to say the least. There has been some fantastic moments in my life but majority just seems to be one disaster after another and I can't seem to catch even the smallest of breaks. I know life is what you make of it but my God a tiny breather here and there wouldn't hurt.

I just need a moment to catch my breath and gather my thoughts. Just when I think I've figured things out, here comes life to knock my ass right back on down to the ground. When did life become such a fucking bully? And when did I become such a bitch that I can't fight back anymore, that I just give up and accept that this is how my life is supposed to be?

I've never been one for giving up. I enjoy challenges and look forward to concurring the impossible. I've always seen myself as a fighter and one who doesn't take any crap but these last couple of years have destroyed my confidence. I haven't been this down in years and it's taking a huge toll on me. Everytime I pull myself together and attempt to dig myself out of this hole, it seems like 10 people come running by kicking piles of dirt right back on top of me. For every one step I take forward, I have life grabbing me from behind pulling me right back in.

When life gets hard you're supposed to fight back even harder but I just feel defeated. Life is like Goliath and I'm David without the rock. Everywhere I look there's no help just me and my empty slingshot. I'm defenseless with no armor, not even a small shield to help soften the giant blows life constantly throws my way. I'm one blow away from accepting a knockout and just laying in my misery.

I'm not looking for a lavish life or tons of money. All I want is a little strength to pull myself out of this mud pit I've sunk myself into. Throw your girl a rope, I'll pull myself out. I don't need anything extravagant, just a small pebble to distract the beast of life. Hell even some damn encouraging words would help at this point. I just need to find that silver lining that's always there in every situation. You know the one that can turn any bad situation into a good one, yeah I'm looking for one of those.

That saying "when it rains it pours" is too accurate in my life. It's never just one bad moment or one small setback. It's an entire year of bad moments and massive downpour of misfortune. Like I'm in a boxing ring with Mike Tyson and theres no let up, the round never ends and he has endless amounts of stamina. Never taking a moment to breath or relax his arms. Its just one blow after another and I'm no boxer, I'm weak, powerless and wide open to every punch he throws. You would think at some point it just becomes difficult to watch so somebody would want to step in and stop the beating.

I don't want to be feeble to life, I want to be able to withstand the storm and push through the tough times. It just seems everytime I make a comeback I've lost a massive piece of my being. Each time I get knocked down I don't come back stronger I come back weaker. Life has knocked me down plenty of times and I've always come back but lately I haven't even been able to make the smallest of steps forward. I'm so far at the bottom that it's almost enjoyable. Like fuck it, its warm down here and the stars are quite bright from this dark grave I've been shoved in. Fuck it life won this round but I got a beautiful view from it. Like Oscar Wilde said "we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars" that is I. Life might've knocked the lights out of me but you can't see the beauty of the stars with the lights on. Sometimes you have to let things go dark in order to find your light again.