I've hated life since I could possibly remember, mostly because I had shitty parents as a child but also because I've realized this world is full of hateful people. I come from a real crappy upbringing and I know that's no excuse to act the way I do but you try living with abuse and craziness every day. They say you can't use your childhood as a crutch but there's no way around it. Your childhood is what shapes you. It's what makes you who you are. I had to learn at a young age to not cry, to walk on eggshells around my bipolar mother. I had to give up my childhood and become an adult fast. At the age of 10, I was cooking and cleaning and doing everything humanly possible to avoid pissing my mother off so I wouldn't get beat.
I never got to put my school work first. I never got to play after-school sports or join any kind of extracurricular activities because we couldn't afford it and my mother would never approve of it. I wasn't allowed to have friends over because my mom was a complete embarrassment and so was our living situation. I wasn't allowed to go to sleep overs or birthday parties because my mom didn't want to pay for a gift and I'd have to bring my younger brother along and nobody wanted that.
I found my escape as a child through my writing. I mostly wrote songs and poetry but it was some damn good therapy. I wrote a lot about flying away like a bird. I always said the moment I'm an adult I'm just gonna run away and travel the world. I played a lot of sports as well but only on the school teams since we couldn't afford city league sports. I hated going home every day. I knew I had an ass whooping waiting for me. At least it only lasted a few minutes and then I was allowed to run off to my room and hide in my closet and just write my little heart out.
As I got older, life changed a lot but my mother's craziness never slowed down. High school came along and so did boys and that just made me hate life even more. My writing was always there but it changed into stories—no more poetry and songs. I was a cutter for a while and anorexic most of high school. We couldn't afford high school sports so I turned to working out and running. I never slowed down. I tried to get out of the house as much as I possibly could. I worked, I went to every school function I could get to, and I worked out and ran every day just to avoid being home.
Everything in my life was always miserable, but I managed to finally leave my mom's house and ran off with my boyfriend at the time. I ran right into my first abusive relationship, the marriage that brought my three children into this world. After a good 9 years of abuse, I finally left him. For the first time in my life I was happy. I had my own place, I had two amazing jobs, I had my beautiful babies all to myself, and I finally had my mother, the mother I had always dreamed of having. This only lasted two years and then my life was turned upside down. I lost everything, my kids, my mom, my place, my jobs, everything!
Life keeps knocking me down, one event after another, and it never seems to get better. Life is the most complicated thing I've ever had to face. I wasn't asked to be born but I sure do have so many people telling me to keep living and to keep pushing. But I keep wondering why, what for, what could this life possibly bring that is going to make me smile? Life has always been a disappointment for me. I hate every second of it. I blame no one but myself. I just wish people would let me go. I'm so tired of this awful life.
So I finally made the decision to focus on what it is I want and that's to leave. I'm finally packing up all my crap and I'm hopping on a train and I'm leaving. I'm going to go travel the world, one town at a time. I'm gonna do what I've always wanted to do and that's write and fly like a bird. I'm just gonna pray to God my writing becomes something. I hope that my stories can help others. I'm hoping my books will become these guidelines to how hard lives can be turned into adventures and amazing moments.
I want to do what makes me happy. I want to travel and see the world and put all my thoughts on paper. I just want to be happy and enjoy life for once. The fact that I've hated life since I was a child is uncalled for. I'm an adult now and I get to make my own path so I'm finally doing it. I'm not going to worry about other people's feelings. I'm just gonna focus on myself. I'm doing what I want, and if I end up hating life still then it's all on me this time and not on anyone else. These are my own decisions and I'm doing this for me. Here's to new beginnings!